Nicki Minaj- Pink Friday [A Fat Jesus Album Review]

3.5? He's gone mad! Nicki? The Barbie bitch? Young Money? A worthwhile pop-rap album?

All these questions and more....ahh fuck it. Nicki is not only crazy but spastic, and I'm just talking about her flow. Like everyone on Young Money, we start out with "I'm the Best" about, surprise, how she's the best. How's it possible? Does everyone there get a trophy like in little leagues? I'm going off track again.* Jump right into "Romans Revenge", arguably the best song on the album where Nicki and Eminem spaz the fuck out as their alter egos Slim Shady and Flight Attendant Barb-errr Roman Zolanski. Dungeons and Dragons, peeing on hookers with big fake tits all wrapped up in crazy raps by the two over a melodic old school NES or SNES beat. Mad props. Did I mention Lil Kim thinks it's a diss track towards her? Who's Lil Kim? Exactly. Next noteworthy track is one of her singles, "Right Thru Me", she keeps it mild and shows she actually can sing, that's a plus. "Fly" featuring Rihanna is another good one with good verses by Nicki and a well sung chorus. "Moment 4 Life" has a nice beat and a crazy fast flow from Nicki, and I would've liked it until, DUN DUN DUN, Drake came on. Not that he didn't have a good verse but dick riding Lil Wanye after you've already put out your first solo album is unnecessary at this point IMO. I'm ranting again, I digress. "Check It Out" with will.i.am is the best track...haha God no, this is my least favorite and probably worst track. And I liked "The E.N.D." *Someone boos* I know, I hang my head in shame. Then we hit "Blazin" featuring Kanye West. The guy who just revolutionized a hip-hop album's style and production with album of the year candidate "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy". I gave it 5/5 and it's my album of the year as an FYI. Gotta love cheap plugs. *Smiles into the camera, grins, and holds two thumbs up* And boy "Blazin" is on point. Nicki's on fire (no pun intended) and Kanye goes off with a long crazy ass verse much like Nicki did on Kanye's "Monster". Probably my favorite track and I'd say best track on the album. There's a mediocre track before "Dear Old Nicki". It's the last track I'm touching on, soulful lyrics, good sounding voice where Nicki writes a letter to her old self. There's a couple more mediocre songs to close out, not horrible, but forgetful.

*Now unless I single a track out it's average....I'm not saying bad, AVERAGE.

Back to the questions from the beginning. *Crickets chirp* Fine fine, I'll move on. Overall I liked the album. Hadn't given much, if any listens to her before this. "Monster", "Roman's Revenge", and "Right Thru Me" got me a little hopeful that this wouldn't be a complete train wreck and it wasn't. I like 6 and a half ("Moment 4 Life" is good BUT THAT DRAKE VERSE) out of 13 songs. While all the other songs are mostly filler, they provided good back ground beats for me Twittering or Facebooking or whatever I was doing and hour ago while listening. Production was good, the beats were good for the most part. Love Swizz Beatz beat on "Roman's Revenge" and wanna give props to production on "Fly", "Blazin", and "Dear Old Nicki". Rapping was good, crazy good, but and other times sloppy and not fun to listen to. Production on a lot of the songs were mediocre, so if they had good verses or choruses by Nicki, and the beats were meh, I probably didn't care for it. The bad guests were obviously wil.i.am., and to an extent Drake (THAT VERSE ARGHHH). I'm surprised there were only 6 guests, compared to Drake's 50 on "Thank Me Later" (Cheap shot) and the normal, I'd say 10 or so, on a normal rap album. And only two of them rapping so it was Nickie the whole way through, and I'm surprised Lil Wanye didn't make a track as well. BUT Nicki on point is a great listen. As mentioned in the go over, Eminem, Kanye, and Rihanna shine as the best features. Can I hate on Drake for that verse a little more? ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS LEAVE ONE LINE OUT! Overall a fun pop-rap listen and surprisingly one of my favorites of the year.

Best Track(s):
Roman's Revenge
Blazin

Worst Track:
Check It Out

Best line, Kanye West from "Blazin":
Ugh, yea, ugh this is the moment grab your Kodak
While I’m flying with a flow that is the greatest throwback since that Nolan Ryan
And the days been crazy and the nights even wilder
And the lights even brighter, baby stand next to my fire
Only higher is Messiah or notes from Mariah
‘rari six hundred horses, that’s my chariot of fire?
Where we flying, they can’t find us all them broke days behind us
I just took your whole life and redesigned it
I think I’m Marc Jacobs, I think I’m Lagerfeld
I think without makeup, you still bad as hell
Imma grab your waist then, imma grab your face and
Then imma taste it, then imma blaze it
Hello all my bad girls, this just in Yeezy hurt the beat
Like he fucked her best friend and she let him back in
And he just did it again, He crazy, he blazin, he off the deep end
I’m blazin’ I’m flagrant, Im crazy I’m saying
Too much for the World so they Abbreviate him
His past is a phase, his stats is amaze
Her dress is just per’ uhh
Prada coloured babes
It obvi’ we the ishh and I’m rolling with my bricks
So real you so trill. baby everything legit
How you feel, they say we crazed cause our styles so diff’
They be jail when we in the mag looking magnif’
As if I aint used Magnums on your favorite bad bitch
Fuck these background niggas I was tryna adlib
Add this, we blazin’
Nicki what you think, I got two White Russians but we also need some drinks
Ah hahahaha

Fat Jesus Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars

The Chill Song

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

Yeah, I keep it chill twenty four seven
Like 7-11, you can thank the heavens
Or just grab a Slurpee
Avoid prostitutes cause they got herpes
A wealth of common sense is what I am
Like Sam I Am, I'd like green eggs and ham
Reverse this, Shlomi Vince is Wowsham
The first shot to the hooker sounded like BAM!
Oh hitting women if off limits
It's ok, Eminem already did it
In a song people, too laid back to diss
Sit on toilets cause I'm too lazy to stand n piss
Hopefully you get this jist
But no need to get pissed
Act like you just got kissed, no homo
Need a replay of that in super slow-mo

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

Verse 2, in case you lost track
Of what's been going on on this track
I try to never talk smack
Cause my talking smack usually lacks
But I do keep my facts
Straight, like a man in a room full of racks
Like schools are full of back packs
Or a mom's purse is filled with snacks
My lines and flow never relax
I never make errors, don't call me syntax
I don't have a gun, so I don't shoot up
And I don't shoot up, cause I'm not on crack
Means if I had a gun I'd shoot up crack
Most of ya'll thinking these lines is whack
I'd be lyin if I said "I'm countin' them stacks"
But this is the chill song so just chillax

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

One more verse for the ladies slow dancing
And all the people out there romancing
Even if you hot I'll never be glancing
Cause every other time they said stop harassing
That's a joke so I hope you're all laughing
Hopefully you'll never catch me bragging
Or catch me drunk and staggering
And in the tabloid magazine
Cause I was causing a scene
But I digress, I'm calming down
So upside down you can turn that frown
This song is for ridin' around in town
But don't pack yourselves in one car like a clown
Uncovered in the flat, watch me score that touchdown
The crowd cheering for me like ya'll cheerin' for me now
Imma end this last verse by just saying ciao

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

The Smackdown Lowdown 10/22/10

It's time, it's time, IT'S FAT JESUS TIME! And the Smackdown Lowdown is back after a month hiatus. Smackdown has gone from MyNettwork TV to SyFy, we've lost Christan to injury, and Matt Hardy to schizophrenia. But all is well as Smackdown is heading into Bragging Rights with a huge head of steam after RAW Monday. Will Smackdown keep the momentum, with Cole be a dick, will Vickie take her top off? All the questions will be answered and more on Smackdown, and I'll be there to recap it below. Now let's get the lowdown on Smackdown!

We start Smackdown with Team RAW, Team Smackdown, and "Buckle Up" Teddy in the ring. He informs us that Teddy won't be making the matches, but the superstars will. The Miz says that team RAW is giving Smackdown a rating boost just by being there. Miz goes onto say it will be The Miz, "The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus, and my man Ezekiel Jackson on a six man tag match against Big Show, "Mr. Identity Confused" Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio. Edge then says he wants onoe one one match with CM Punk. Morrison then grabs the mic and says he wants the former Menuto member, Alberto Del Rio. Finally Jack Swagger says he wants the uni-brow toting him self Santino. Why is Tyler Reks not in a match? Oh yeah, R-Truth is banned from Canada.

Big Show/Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterio beat The Miz/Sheamus/Ezekiel Jackson in a 3-on-3 tag team match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Before the match Cole is pissed about not being introduced, I'm pissed Cole was ever born. I love how Kofi Kingston is wearing all red...I thought he was on Team Smackdown. I'm thinking again. In our first obligated, "out to the floor let's have a commercial break," Rey gives Sheamus a seated senton. Do the announcers call it? Naw they're bickering about Fantasy Football. Haha a "Vickie Guerrero ate my sign" sign. End match Kofi gets the hot tag to Big Show. He takes out Miz and Sheamus with backbody drops. Big Zeke tries to take out Rey, but Big Show stops him with a big boot. Miz rushes Big Show and gets a chokeslam for his troubles. Rey gets tagged in and he lets Rey do a splash of his shoulders onto Miz for the 1-2-3. After the match Cole bitches, we get a "Controlled Frenzy" from Cole @7:17 CDT and Smackdown rejoices.

They plug the Champion vs Champion match later tonight between Randy Orton and Kane. Should be a technical free for all.

Did I know? Cena was the first to join Michael Jordan at the top of Make a Wish? No, but nor do I care either.

They give us a flashback package to Hell in a Cell where Husky/Miglicutty (The hell if I know how to spell his name) cost Cena the match and Cole has a brain aneurysm at Cena joining Nexus. And I quote @7:25 CDT! They then show flashbacks of the last couple RAW were Barrett has been yelling at Cena, taunting him, and making him do his bidding, etc. They cut to last week where Orton/Cena won and afterward Barrett ordered Cena out of the ring and Nexus gave a beat down to poor old Orton. I cried...no I didn't.

"Goofy Smile" Josh Matthews is in the back with special guests, but there's no need to label them special, the Intercontinental Champ Dolph Ziggler and "The Emo Whale" Vickie Guerrero. They show what happened on RAW where Daniel Bryan, the United States Champion, challenged Dolph to the IC champ vs US champ match, aka The LeBelle Lock vs The Sleeper. Then Ziggler has some bad sports analogy saying he's gonna crush Bryan at the end.

Jack Swagger "The First Ever Lisp World Champ" w/The Swagger Soaring Eagle beat Santino in a singles match via tapout: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Oh baby! We got a show now, cause The All American American American American American Jack Swagger and the Swagger Soaring Eagle are here! Hey look Teddy Longs reffing this match, double duty tonight I see. Santino badly goes for a waist-lock takedown and Swagger owns him with a belly to belly take down. Hornswoggle comes out and hinders his own team from cheating...there's logic again. The Cobra hits the Eagle, then a tadpole splash! End match in the ring Santino hits a series of punches and a hip toss and hits Swagger with The People's Headbutt for a two count. Santino gets drop toe held into the Swagger Lock and Santino taps out. Afterward Hornswoggle scares Cole and Swagger makes sure the Swagger Soaring Eagle ok.

OH OHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Grooming tips time with "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. This week he's sick of dry, cracked lips. Cody shows us how to put lip balm on and even goes as far to put lip gloss on over night to help the process. This man is a prodigy.

Alberto Del Rio beat John Morrison in a singles match via tapout: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
The personal ring announcer, exquisite cars, the fireworks, the smile, and the in-ring talent. Alberto Delllllll Rio is one helluva pick up by WWE. I love this guy. And Morrison is no slouch either, but his move over to RAW killed every ounce of awesomeness of his 2009 JoMo run on Smackdown. End match Cole calls a back heel kick a flash kick that Morrison hits on Del Rio for a two. Cole's a dumbass. Del Rio gets a quick two on Morrison. Del Rio then misses a step-up insiguri in the corner and Morrison goes for Starship pain. Del Rio get's his knees up and Morrison landed on his arm. Del Rio get's up and slaps on the corkscrew into the arm bar, and Morrison taps out. Decent match, wish Morrison was on Smackdown still so we could have more of this.

WWE Rewind is Big Show and Edge winning the impromptu battle royal Monday on RAW.

Edge beat CM Punk in singles match via DQ: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
These two are probably my two favorite stars in the WWE now, now that Shawn is retired, and Jericho is on hiatus. It could be a great match if they get 10 minutes. Cole you moron, you don't even know that that's a waist-lock takedown *rubs eyes* Mid-way through Edge hits a jawbreaker on Punk. Then Edge follows up with a big boot and calls for the spear. Punk ducks it and Edge bounces of the ropes, and Punk gets a two count off it. Both men take their time, and Punk throws a shoulder block. He then stomps on Edges hand and covers him for another two. Edge countered another shoulder block into a swinging neckbreaker. Punk takes control by hanging Edge up on the top rope. Edge falls to the floor, and low and behold we fall to commercial. We're back and Punk has Edge in a waist lock. Edge fights out with elbows, but takes two hard kicks from Punk. Punk hits a gutbuster on Edge for a two count. Punk goes for a springboard clotheslines and Edge counters it into a powerslam! Both men up and they're throwing bombs. Punk starts throwing kicks, Edge then hits a modified bulldog for a long two. Edge goes for Edgecution, Punk counters into the GTS, and Edge counters the counter into the Edge-O-Matic for a two. Punk takes down Edge for a two. Punk then with the running knee lift in the corner, Punk goes for the bulldog but it's countered by Edge into the Edgecution for a long two. Edge goes to the top rope, but Punk cuts him off and Edge landed on his stomach. Punk throws chops and tries a superplex and Edge counters into a facebuster. Edge is sick of this match and sets up for the spear. But Alex Riley and Miz pull Edge out and throws him into the barricade for the DQ

Afterward it's Finisher-fest. Kofi takes out CM Punk with Trouble in Paradise. Miz hits Kofi with the Skull Crushing Finale. Tyler Reks takes out Miz with a torture rack into a DDT. Morrison took out Reks with an around the world DDT. Del Rio takes out Morrison with a step up insiguri in the corner. Big Zeke takes out Del Rio with his spinebuster. Swagger takes out Santino and Big Zeke. Sheamus hits Swagger with the Blarney boot. Big Show takes out Big Zeke with a chokeslam, and Sheamus takes out Big Show with the Blarney Boot. Rey takes out Sheamus with the 619. CM Punk takes out Rey with the GTS and finally Edge wins the Finisher-fest for Smackdown with a spear on CM Punk.

Natalya/Kelly Kelly beat Natalya/Britta Hart in a Divas tag match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
We come back and Lay-Cool is dressed up as Natayla/Jim and Bret Hart. Striker says McCool looks like Otto from the Simpsons haha. Oh no, Kelly Kelly, the fear is now in the hearts of Lay-Cool. End match Natalya hits a one woman STO on Natalya and then hits a double underhook suplex on Natalya for a two. Natalya then takes out Natalya and slaps on the sharpshooter and Natalya taps out. Kelly Kelly did nothing but stand there and wear her semen covered clothes.

Did I know again! ...I don't care this time to even say something witty.

I'm not standing up for WWE. I'll be more than happy to stage a sit-in for those of us in the WWE Universe that don't want to stand up. Also 78% of us are over 18, only 22%, nowhere near majority are under 18. They side with the way smaller 22% and make it PG. Logic abounds!

Randy Orton (WWE Champion) beat Kane (World Heavyweight Champion) w/Paul Bearer in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Cole wants to thank all the men and woman in the armed forces. 6 million women, according to WWE, watch a week. And all of the armed forces only has one woman watching. Amazing. It's not the eve of Bragging Rights either you shit Cole, Saturday is the eve, today is just the Friday before Bragging Rights..oh God. Orton never hits the RKO after he beats his hands on the mat, and the proofs in the tape. Look Kane's playing Pong with Orton's body as we go into commercial! We come back and Orton's in a bear hug from Kane. Orton fights out, but gets blasted by Kane for a long two. Kane throws Orton in the corner and wails on him. Kane ends the onslaught with a hard Irish Whip into the corner. Orton fights back but Kane takes him down again. Kane the drags Orton to the outside and throws Orton into the steel steps. Kane the kicks Orton as he lays over the ring apron. All that gets a two count as Orton kicks out. Kane goes back to the bear hug and Orton fights out again. But after an Irish Whip Orton takes a huge backbreaker from Kane. Kane flys off the top rope and hit the clothesline on Orton for another long two count. And Kane's sick of this match, Orton fights outta the chokeslam and hits Kane with a back elbow in the corner. Orton then hit Kane with two clotheslines and a snap powerslam. Orton then hits a VINTAGE (@8:56 CDT) second rope DDT. Orton calls for the RKO again, but takes a big boot. Kane is about to hit Orton with the chokeslam when the bell tolls and the lights go out. When they come back on, Orton is stalking him and hits the RKO for the win.

After the match Kane stalks ring side looking for Undertaker. The lights go out and the bells tolls. Suddenly outta nowhere Undertaker pops out from hell and drags a struggling Kane down with him! We end Smackdown with Kane and Undertaker down in the black pits of hell!

Smackdown Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: N/R
I really liked Smackdown this week. A lot of in-ring action. I know it's a lot to ask for on a wrestling show, but somehow Smackdown manages to do it. They kept the promos limited, but with the Finisher-fest and the flashbacks to RAW and promos for the buried alive match kept us in tune with what's going on on Sunday. Edge and Punk had a GREAT match, Finisher-fest was awesome, Morrison and Del Rio was decent as was Orton and Kane to end the show. The ending though with Undertaker dragging Kane under the ring, I presume to hell was lame and funny as hell. So all in all good Smackdown and good show leading in the PPV, Bragging Rights, this Sunday.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day, thanks for reading Fat Jesus disciples

Cyhi Da Prynce- Royal Flush (Official Mixtape) [A Fat Jesus Album Review]

Cyhi Da Prynce is new on the 2010 scene, but has been around for awhile. He signed with Kanye West's GOOD Music label and caught my attention from Kanye's GOOD Friday track "So Appalled", and since last Friday, "Take One For the Team." So when I got confirmation that Royal Flush was official I had to get it.

To start off Cyhi's got good flow, good lines/choruses, almost has a KiD CuDi vibe going, and has a good enough singing voice for choruses and such. First track, "Ring Bellz", he samples MLK and then goes into a 3ish minute bar-fest which is good. This is easily the best on the mixtape. The problem throughout the rest of the mixtape is nothing really stands out. It's not bad, like I said he has good lines and choruses, just jumps out at my ears. He goes from slow jam beats, to club beats, to southern beats, etc. He needs to stick to one style IMO. Sure it's a mixtape and he's experimenting with what works best, but this is also why mixtapes can't be rated high and such, or considered masterpieces. It's a good listen regardless, even though a lot of the early going to the middle tracks run together.

Best Tracks:
Ring Bellz
Sideways
So Original
Hero
Chance to Explain
Top of the World
So Appalled (Kanye West ft. Cyhi Da Prynce, Jay-Z, RZA, Pusha T, and Swizz Beatz)

Line of the album, from "Ring Bellz":
"Haters wanna ride on me like Yoshi, cause I got their girl running routes like Stokely"

Runner up, from "Hero":
"9 times outta 10 we die by assassination, so catch a bullet like Patrick Crayton"

Cyhi Da Prynce, under the tutelage now of Kanye, Common, and Pusha T will undoubtedly improve from now onward, and hopefully his first album release will be more cohesive and focused. Also as an FYI I don't rate mixtapes over 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars, so this is one of the mixtapes I really like.

Fat Jesus' Rating for Cyhi Da Prynce- Royal Flush: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars

Commentfest 10/19/10

RIP The Grand Festival of Comments 2009-2010. A moment of silence to an old friend...........how long's it been? (Not yet my friend!)

We all know at the end both teams are gonna come out and beat the crap out of each other...very predictable (He got the beginning right)

Commentfest has been released from TheJohnReport.net. We wish it the best of luck in it's future endeavors. (Insert Matt Hardy joke)

Does that make Fozzie the Vince Russo of Commentfest? (Yes it does)

With apologies to Bill Goldberg, YOU DA MAN, MFJD!!! (Flattery always works on Fat Jesus)

No more commentfest? This makes me as sad as when Cena lost to Barret. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! (Then cut to them crying on screen please)

AND I QUOTE @8:02 CDT!

Michael Cole-1 Commentfest-0 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (More like Commentfest- 857,976|Cole- 1)

Shouldn't Teddy just throw out that piece of paper?

No Swagger Soaring Eagle? This is pure BULLSHIT. (It's the reason we all watch Smackdown)

TEDDY AUTO STAR OF THE NIGHT SHUTTING OFF THE GM

MIZ gets a star for naming all the smurfs

Sweet Son of Shit. Did Cole just warn viewers that the following video would be "disturbing"? God, I want to toss him into a vat of acid. (Creative Cole killing is always amazing)

Are we forgetting that Cole's supposed to be able to get GM emails on his phone? Just checking. (Yes sir.)

So, A-RY replaced R-Truth? (Nope Truth wasn't allowed in Canada, literally...I'm not kidding)

King called Long a "waste of skin." Apparently Michael Hayes has some influence on RAW's announce team as well. (Vintage racism)

I'd trim Natalya's beard...heh heh heh. (Sexual innuendos always make it)

Was that Big Show/Miz promo a commercial for the Cena/Nexus promo? (Shameless pandering at Fat Jesus from Fat Jesus)

John Cena got that water fast than when Chris Benoit took a pee and drank some coffee (Who is this Chris Benoit?)

Ouch.. Hulk Cena you don't wanna fuck with him. I heard one time he kicked out of a 3 count and the person on top fell on the Spanish announcers table. fact or fiction?

Fact, it was at small show down in Tijuana. No one has pictures, but a whole crowd saw it.

"Bret screwed Bret" sign in Calgary. Nice. (We needs a "Vince screwed Linda" sign in Hartford now, works of multiple levels)

Vintage @ 8:58 CDT!

If I was Wade Barret, I'd make Cena do the hokey-pokey in the middle of the ring. Just for lulz. And to prove that that would get more ratings than anything TNA did.

We know why Cena can't help him. But why can't anyone else? Sorry, I've been thinking again. (You are forgiven)

Wendy Slater just gave Orton the "Baconator"!

I thought Cole liked Vickie...wait there he goes. From face to heel in the span of three seconds. Dumb fuck.

LANCE STORM catchphrase FTW!!!

Wow it looks like a hooker convention in the ring (Only thing missing was Ron Jeremy)

Oh no! Watch out, Natalya! You have to face the undefined Diva's champion!

VINTAGE @9:30 CDT!

VINTAGE

DUDEBUSTERS.....FTW......chris master WTF

Wasn't Vince suppose to be out here tonight? (Bret was supposed to be there too. Oh WWE.com you silly goose)

The Flame sighting! LET'S HEAR IT FOR FRIENDSHIP!

I miss Bra and panties matches. There, I said it.

"20 WWE books have reached the NY Times best-seller list" ...with 17 of those being written by Mick Foley.

Cena would no sell that driving off the grand canyon like Junior Seau no sold that driving off a cliff earlier today (Haha)

I thought Gary Coleman died?? (He sells better than Cena in the ring)

PRIMO SIGHTING 10:47 EASTERN

Is Mark Henry still a huge threat even though he's not there? What am I saying? Of course he is.

Is Hornswoggle trying to kiss Cantonia's ass? Cause it's working!

Hornswoggle is better than Mike Tenay

There goes Fesuts...wonder when Matt Hardy's gonna come out to save the da...oh.

Damn.. WWE over.. now to delete 300 emails of fb updates. (We end Commentfest like we started it, saying "Damn"...thanks for posting Ron Simmons)
_____________________________________

It would help if there were more than 4 people posting and we get about 1000 comments like normal. Haha. We only got 400ish tonight, so it was slim pickens for good stuff. So Commentfest lives! Post every one, and I'll get it to John for The Raw Deal Tuesday's.

That's it for this Commentfest. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. I'm trying to get back in the habit of doing Smackdown on Friday and RAW on Monday if you wanna stay at my blog and read those. I do movie, tv, and music reviews occasionally as well. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt "Fat Jesus" Day, and thanks for reading Cantonites and my disciples!

Fat Jesus Books TNAs Main Event Scene

Fat Jesus is about to drop a booking bomb for TNA in regards with Jeff being heel, "They", Anderson and Angle. This is how it should've gone down IMO.

Should've had Jeff win underhandedly without "They" interfering at BFG. Kept "They" secret during Jeff's title run, what two maybe three months, ending with Angle winning it. All the while "They" is on Jeff's side. We know "They" is there, we just don't know who they are. Next Impact they have a No.1 Contenders match between Jeff/Anderson. Anderson will lose to Jeff due to interference. Leading to an immediate rematch, maybe the next Impact, better at the PPV. Angle retains. "They" reveal themselves and turn on Jeff. Anderson helps cause he's sick of playing third fiddle to Hardy/Angle. Anderson's heel. And BAM, Jeff's face again. "They" go on and tag Angle/Jeff in matches with heels sent out by "They", handicap matches, 3 on 1 matches, etc. Anderson beats jobbers and such, and wins a BS tourney or over the top rope battle royal, not even involving Jeff cause someone took him out beforehand. Of course it was Anderson and "They". Jeff still comes out, but is the last to be eliminated by Anderson. Now Anderson gets title match against Angle at the next PPV. He wins, probably in a heel way, and the Asshole Army rejoices.

That's it for this random blog. Been awhile, but who cares no one reads it haha. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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The Smackdown Lowdown 9/3/10

Coming off a terrible, truly horrible 900th RAW we have the best WWE show, Smackdown! In on month it's going to SyFy. For now it's still on networks and killing RAW in every aspect, even with the crappy Undertaker/Kane feud starting. Anywho let's get on with the lowdown on Smackdown.

We open with the recap of the story so far..aka the The Undertaker/Kane fued. They had a formal debate last week on if the Devil likes either of them more.

We start out with Alberto Delllllllllllllllllllllllllll Rio and a huge party is going on in the ring. It's probably to celebrate that he took out Rey last week. Oh look! A nifty recap of last week. He says he proved that Mysterio is weak and a bad model of all Mexicans. He said to him, Rey is like an animal, like a donkey pinata. Del Rio then hits the pinata and a bunch of poor Mexican kids bum rush the ring. Del Rio then demands a glass of champagne and flaunts his riches. Cue Christian to interrupt. He says he wants to introduce himself. He calls him Juan Charles Layfield (I CALLED HIM THIS!) and compared him to Enrique Iglesias. Christian says he didn't come out to eat his s***ty food and marvel his cars. He says he's pissed that he took out Rey, and that he can hit all the pinata's he wants, but it's not the same as taking out Rey. Juan says that Christan wants to end up like Rey. Christian says that he thinks he challenging him to a fight. They circle each other, and then Del Rio backs down. He says they'll be another time and place and that Christian will pay for this. As Del Rio is going up the ramps Drew McIntyre hits Christian from behind and throws him outta the ring, to be taunted by Del Rio.

Christian beat "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre in a singles match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
We see that Drew took out Christian during the break. The ref is asking him if he wants to still fights. He says yes, gets in the ring, and the match starts. End match Drew comes off the top rope and gets to boots from Christian. Christian throws bombs, and kicks. But nice from Drew to catch Drew with one arm and still give him the backbreaker for a long two. On the outside Drew gets leg swept onto the announce table. Christan goes for the Killswitch, but Drew counters it with a nice gut buster. Finally Drew get's taken down into a jack-knife cover for the pinfall!

Michelle McCool (Co-Womens Champion) w/Layla (Co-Womens Champion) beat Kelly Kelly in a singles match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
Aw God...literally I said that when her music hit. Nice to see she got the sperm out of her hair. All I know is Layla sounds so cute on the mic and McCool got the 1-2-3 off the Styles Cla-err Faith Breaker on Kelly Kelly.

We get the same goddamn video package of them going to China, idgaf. Haha they showed Eve monkey-flipping Alicia Fox. So racist..and hilarious.

Jesus God, the divas match into the stupid video package, into that goddamn 24-year old midget acting like a retarded monkey having sex with a tree. This is f**king brutal. Electroshock therapy, then a black man with a midget running from a crime scene where an old man is being killed. Vintage stupidity.

Dolf Ziggler (Intercontinental Champion) w/Vickie Guerrero beat Chris Masters in a singles match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
We come back to the Titty Dancer himself, Chris Masters, in the ring and we even get some heel heat from Vickie Guerrero towards your Intercontinental Champion, Dolf Ziggler. Vince would be busting a nut over that press slam by Masters...if he were awake. End match Masters keeps himself from locking in The Masterlock. It looked very cheeseball Dolf pushes off the top rope and lands on Masters. Ziggler then hits the Zig Zag on Masters for the win.

The Big Show beat CM Punk/Luke Gallows w/Joseph Mercury in a 2-on-1 handicap match via submission: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Big Show comes out, the Straight Edge Society comes out blah blah. Wonder where that Serena chick went? The recap of the great Punk promo, oh wait they showed none of the good parts. They showed Big Show Hulking up...and rofl that Grisham and Striker can't say Hogan's name. Props to Striker for calling that The Vulcan Nerve Pinch! Basically it's a big game of cat and mouse on the outside. End match Show clotheslines Gallows three times. Then splashes him in the corner and steamrolls him with a shoulder knock down. He hits CM Punk off the apron and the hits an inverted powerbomb on Gallows. Then Show slaps on the Colossal Clutch and Gallows taps out. Afterward CM Punk gives Gallows the GTS and walks out. Solid match, sad they're breaking up SES though.

We have The VIP Lounge with Jack Swagger and his old, screwed up father. Really still in a neckbreak and wheelchair from a chokeslam from like 2 months ago? Really? The Jack Swagger Senior Invitational is a brilliant name btw. "The current Perry, Ok. senior citizen arm wrestling champion", hahahahaha. Swagger introduces his dad and tells him before he's interrupted this is his moment. Swagger senior says he's been proud of Swagger ever since he was 9 and broke the Oklahoma consecutive push-up record. Swagger Sr. starts counting while Swagger does push ups, riveting television. MVP comes out and says that he's turned The VIP Lounge into a lame kiss-ass-fest. Haha at Swagger using his dad in a wheelchair as a shield. Swagger launches his dad into MVP. Swagger then charges MVP and goes over the top rope. MVP plays to the crowd and hits the Ballin' Elbow on Swagger Sr. while Swagger escapes up the ramp.

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes beat Matt Hardy in a singles match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
If the steel step thing happened to Cena he'd be sprinting to the ring the next night. OH OHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! "Dashing" walks down to the ring and calls Matt Hardy face ugly, full of facial hair crop circles and that he carries around two spare tires when he's traveling. He tell us that Matt Hardy isn't version 1 anymore, he's version done. Great, great promo. ROFLMFAO WWE so totally spoiled that it'll be Randy Orton v Sheamus in a Hell in a Cell match at Hell in a Cell in Dallas next month. Haha. End match Cody moves out of the way from Matt's elbow drop from the ropes. Then Cody drops a knee from the second rope on Matts injured ankle and the hits Cross Rhodes for the win.

Kanes comes out...err on the tron and he has a huge announcement. Maybe we'll get the second part of his and 'Takers debate from last week. Then'll we'll vote in November on who really is The Devil's right hand man. He says that the Apocalypse is upon us is The Undertaker finally being crushed at Night of Champions. This is so dumb. Kane has wanted Undertakers powers, more than he'll ever know. I guess that mean he wants McCool in an SnM bondage position in the middle of a pentagram? The druids wheel a casket out to the ring (FREAKING SLOWLY) as Kane heckles on the tron. My screen has a seizure and Kane popped out of the casket...still heckling. Kane says he wishes he could see his brothers face when he realizes that he now walks in Kane's shadow. No longer, he says, that he is the number two brother. Now all he sees when he looks at Undertaker is weakness. Kane then shows when Barret hits the Wasteland and Gabriel hits the 450 Splash on Undertaker on RAW. He says he knew the whole time that Undertaker is a little bitch and that Kane took all his powers. And then when this long boring saga is over the phenom will be no more. Kane then starts scream that there is nothing Undertaker can do to stop him. The bell tolls and the lights go out, cuing the Undertaker to walk out to the ring...again FREAKING SLOWLY! And he looks kind-of pissed. Probably about the SnM fantasy Kane has towards Michelle. As 'Taker storms the ring the lights go out and Kane is gone. Undertaker slows approaches the casket, ready to attack Kane. But he's not in there. Kane then comes on the tron and says that they used to be called The Brothers of Destruction. But after Night of Champions he'll only be knows as the brother he destroyed.

Smackdown Rating: 6.5/10 or 3.25/5 Stars
Last Week: N/R
It was a very solid Smackdown. The matches were all pretty good, and all the promos were done well. Especially Christian/Del Rio, Swagger/Swagger Sr. (before MVP came out) and "Dashing" Cody's promo on Hardy. Even the Kane/Undertaker is alright, albeit BORING. I was gonna give it 7/10, but the stretch from the Divas match till the damned Hornswoggle/"Buckle Up" Teddy s*** was...well s***. Still a fairly good show and about a million times better than RAWs 900th-ish episode on Monday.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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