As I sit here watching Parks and Recreation waiting for The Office, the last four days have been hell for me. Between thoughts about my dad, thoughts about not being able to be with a person, and failing at life in general, it's spurred terrible thoughts in my head. I miss my dad, I can't be with one the person I want to be with (probably will never reach them, yeah I'm still on this) and I feel like I'm failing them. And even though it's not true, that no one wants anything to do with me. I've been crying, depressed and ultimately more than a bit suicidal (admittedly for the first time). I've talked with people and opened up more than ever apologized yet again for the stupid stuff I do. Last night I went out for a late drive and went around to all the houses and apartments I've been living in since coming to Texas. Fully intent to do something stupid once I got done. It ends up that I got call and a text at the same time, I don't know why but it stopped me. The downward spiral continues in my mind, no matter how much comedy I watch or video games I play, and I don't know where it's going to lead me. But even with everyone talking to me and telling me they're going be there, the fact that they can't be here is what scares me. That even though they want to be no one can save me if they're not here. I'm sorry if I'm worrying anyone,but I think I needed this.
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