It's time, it's time, IT'S FAT JESUS TIME! And the Smackdown Lowdown is back after a month hiatus. Smackdown has gone from MyNettwork TV to SyFy, we've lost Christan to injury, and Matt Hardy to schizophrenia. But all is well as Smackdown is heading into Bragging Rights with a huge head of steam after RAW Monday. Will Smackdown keep the momentum, with Cole be a dick, will Vickie take her top off? All the questions will be answered and more on Smackdown, and I'll be there to recap it below. Now let's get the lowdown on Smackdown!
We start Smackdown with Team RAW, Team Smackdown, and "Buckle Up" Teddy in the ring. He informs us that Teddy won't be making the matches, but the superstars will. The Miz says that team RAW is giving Smackdown a rating boost just by being there. Miz goes onto say it will be The Miz, "The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus, and my man Ezekiel Jackson on a six man tag match against Big Show, "Mr. Identity Confused" Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio. Edge then says he wants onoe one one match with CM Punk. Morrison then grabs the mic and says he wants the former Menuto member, Alberto Del Rio. Finally Jack Swagger says he wants the uni-brow toting him self Santino. Why is Tyler Reks not in a match? Oh yeah, R-Truth is banned from Canada.
Big Show/Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterio beat The Miz/Sheamus/Ezekiel Jackson in a 3-on-3 tag team match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Before the match Cole is pissed about not being introduced, I'm pissed Cole was ever born. I love how Kofi Kingston is wearing all red...I thought he was on Team Smackdown. I'm thinking again. In our first obligated, "out to the floor let's have a commercial break," Rey gives Sheamus a seated senton. Do the announcers call it? Naw they're bickering about Fantasy Football. Haha a "Vickie Guerrero ate my sign" sign. End match Kofi gets the hot tag to Big Show. He takes out Miz and Sheamus with backbody drops. Big Zeke tries to take out Rey, but Big Show stops him with a big boot. Miz rushes Big Show and gets a chokeslam for his troubles. Rey gets tagged in and he lets Rey do a splash of his shoulders onto Miz for the 1-2-3. After the match Cole bitches, we get a "Controlled Frenzy" from Cole @7:17 CDT and Smackdown rejoices.
They plug the Champion vs Champion match later tonight between Randy Orton and Kane. Should be a technical free for all.
Did I know? Cena was the first to join Michael Jordan at the top of Make a Wish? No, but nor do I care either.
They give us a flashback package to Hell in a Cell where Husky/Miglicutty (The hell if I know how to spell his name) cost Cena the match and Cole has a brain aneurysm at Cena joining Nexus. And I quote @7:25 CDT! They then show flashbacks of the last couple RAW were Barrett has been yelling at Cena, taunting him, and making him do his bidding, etc. They cut to last week where Orton/Cena won and afterward Barrett ordered Cena out of the ring and Nexus gave a beat down to poor old Orton. I cried...no I didn't.
"Goofy Smile" Josh Matthews is in the back with special guests, but there's no need to label them special, the Intercontinental Champ Dolph Ziggler and "The Emo Whale" Vickie Guerrero. They show what happened on RAW where Daniel Bryan, the United States Champion, challenged Dolph to the IC champ vs US champ match, aka The LeBelle Lock vs The Sleeper. Then Ziggler has some bad sports analogy saying he's gonna crush Bryan at the end.
Jack Swagger "The First Ever Lisp World Champ" w/The Swagger Soaring Eagle beat Santino in a singles match via tapout: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Oh baby! We got a show now, cause The All American American American American American Jack Swagger and the Swagger Soaring Eagle are here! Hey look Teddy Longs reffing this match, double duty tonight I see. Santino badly goes for a waist-lock takedown and Swagger owns him with a belly to belly take down. Hornswoggle comes out and hinders his own team from cheating...there's logic again. The Cobra hits the Eagle, then a tadpole splash! End match in the ring Santino hits a series of punches and a hip toss and hits Swagger with The People's Headbutt for a two count. Santino gets drop toe held into the Swagger Lock and Santino taps out. Afterward Hornswoggle scares Cole and Swagger makes sure the Swagger Soaring Eagle ok.
OH OHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Grooming tips time with "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. This week he's sick of dry, cracked lips. Cody shows us how to put lip balm on and even goes as far to put lip gloss on over night to help the process. This man is a prodigy.
Alberto Del Rio beat John Morrison in a singles match via tapout: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
The personal ring announcer, exquisite cars, the fireworks, the smile, and the in-ring talent. Alberto Delllllll Rio is one helluva pick up by WWE. I love this guy. And Morrison is no slouch either, but his move over to RAW killed every ounce of awesomeness of his 2009 JoMo run on Smackdown. End match Cole calls a back heel kick a flash kick that Morrison hits on Del Rio for a two. Cole's a dumbass. Del Rio gets a quick two on Morrison. Del Rio then misses a step-up insiguri in the corner and Morrison goes for Starship pain. Del Rio get's his knees up and Morrison landed on his arm. Del Rio get's up and slaps on the corkscrew into the arm bar, and Morrison taps out. Decent match, wish Morrison was on Smackdown still so we could have more of this.
WWE Rewind is Big Show and Edge winning the impromptu battle royal Monday on RAW.
Edge beat CM Punk in singles match via DQ: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
These two are probably my two favorite stars in the WWE now, now that Shawn is retired, and Jericho is on hiatus. It could be a great match if they get 10 minutes. Cole you moron, you don't even know that that's a waist-lock takedown *rubs eyes* Mid-way through Edge hits a jawbreaker on Punk. Then Edge follows up with a big boot and calls for the spear. Punk ducks it and Edge bounces of the ropes, and Punk gets a two count off it. Both men take their time, and Punk throws a shoulder block. He then stomps on Edges hand and covers him for another two. Edge countered another shoulder block into a swinging neckbreaker. Punk takes control by hanging Edge up on the top rope. Edge falls to the floor, and low and behold we fall to commercial. We're back and Punk has Edge in a waist lock. Edge fights out with elbows, but takes two hard kicks from Punk. Punk hits a gutbuster on Edge for a two count. Punk goes for a springboard clotheslines and Edge counters it into a powerslam! Both men up and they're throwing bombs. Punk starts throwing kicks, Edge then hits a modified bulldog for a long two. Edge goes for Edgecution, Punk counters into the GTS, and Edge counters the counter into the Edge-O-Matic for a two. Punk takes down Edge for a two. Punk then with the running knee lift in the corner, Punk goes for the bulldog but it's countered by Edge into the Edgecution for a long two. Edge goes to the top rope, but Punk cuts him off and Edge landed on his stomach. Punk throws chops and tries a superplex and Edge counters into a facebuster. Edge is sick of this match and sets up for the spear. But Alex Riley and Miz pull Edge out and throws him into the barricade for the DQ
Afterward it's Finisher-fest. Kofi takes out CM Punk with Trouble in Paradise. Miz hits Kofi with the Skull Crushing Finale. Tyler Reks takes out Miz with a torture rack into a DDT. Morrison took out Reks with an around the world DDT. Del Rio takes out Morrison with a step up insiguri in the corner. Big Zeke takes out Del Rio with his spinebuster. Swagger takes out Santino and Big Zeke. Sheamus hits Swagger with the Blarney boot. Big Show takes out Big Zeke with a chokeslam, and Sheamus takes out Big Show with the Blarney Boot. Rey takes out Sheamus with the 619. CM Punk takes out Rey with the GTS and finally Edge wins the Finisher-fest for Smackdown with a spear on CM Punk.
Natalya/Kelly Kelly beat Natalya/Britta Hart in a Divas tag match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
We come back and Lay-Cool is dressed up as Natayla/Jim and Bret Hart. Striker says McCool looks like Otto from the Simpsons haha. Oh no, Kelly Kelly, the fear is now in the hearts of Lay-Cool. End match Natalya hits a one woman STO on Natalya and then hits a double underhook suplex on Natalya for a two. Natalya then takes out Natalya and slaps on the sharpshooter and Natalya taps out. Kelly Kelly did nothing but stand there and wear her semen covered clothes.
Did I know again! ...I don't care this time to even say something witty.
I'm not standing up for WWE. I'll be more than happy to stage a sit-in for those of us in the WWE Universe that don't want to stand up. Also 78% of us are over 18, only 22%, nowhere near majority are under 18. They side with the way smaller 22% and make it PG. Logic abounds!
Randy Orton (WWE Champion) beat Kane (World Heavyweight Champion) w/Paul Bearer in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Cole wants to thank all the men and woman in the armed forces. 6 million women, according to WWE, watch a week. And all of the armed forces only has one woman watching. Amazing. It's not the eve of Bragging Rights either you shit Cole, Saturday is the eve, today is just the Friday before Bragging Rights..oh God. Orton never hits the RKO after he beats his hands on the mat, and the proofs in the tape. Look Kane's playing Pong with Orton's body as we go into commercial! We come back and Orton's in a bear hug from Kane. Orton fights out, but gets blasted by Kane for a long two. Kane throws Orton in the corner and wails on him. Kane ends the onslaught with a hard Irish Whip into the corner. Orton fights back but Kane takes him down again. Kane the drags Orton to the outside and throws Orton into the steel steps. Kane the kicks Orton as he lays over the ring apron. All that gets a two count as Orton kicks out. Kane goes back to the bear hug and Orton fights out again. But after an Irish Whip Orton takes a huge backbreaker from Kane. Kane flys off the top rope and hit the clothesline on Orton for another long two count. And Kane's sick of this match, Orton fights outta the chokeslam and hits Kane with a back elbow in the corner. Orton then hit Kane with two clotheslines and a snap powerslam. Orton then hits a VINTAGE (@8:56 CDT) second rope DDT. Orton calls for the RKO again, but takes a big boot. Kane is about to hit Orton with the chokeslam when the bell tolls and the lights go out. When they come back on, Orton is stalking him and hits the RKO for the win.
After the match Kane stalks ring side looking for Undertaker. The lights go out and the bells tolls. Suddenly outta nowhere Undertaker pops out from hell and drags a struggling Kane down with him! We end Smackdown with Kane and Undertaker down in the black pits of hell!
Smackdown Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: N/R
I really liked Smackdown this week. A lot of in-ring action. I know it's a lot to ask for on a wrestling show, but somehow Smackdown manages to do it. They kept the promos limited, but with the Finisher-fest and the flashbacks to RAW and promos for the buried alive match kept us in tune with what's going on on Sunday. Edge and Punk had a GREAT match, Finisher-fest was awesome, Morrison and Del Rio was decent as was Orton and Kane to end the show. The ending though with Undertaker dragging Kane under the ring, I presume to hell was lame and funny as hell. So all in all good Smackdown and good show leading in the PPV, Bragging Rights, this Sunday.
That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day, thanks for reading Fat Jesus disciples
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