La de da de da nothing clever to say except SummerSlam is looking quite lackluster to me, at least on paper. Maybe a promo where Cena yells at us can get me excited. Got a pm telling me WWE said that JR is the GM. He's not, Stone Cold isn't, Piper isn't, it Abe Washington. Get over it. Anywho on that sour note by me, let's lay down the Raw.
We start out with Cena cutting a basic face promo about how The Super Friends will win at Summerfest and how he has a photoshopped picture of The Great Kalhi in the Wonder Woman costume. He would. Jericho comes out and calls us "paracitic hypocrites" and says this is his name. John Cena gives the team to Jericho and says it's not about them, it's about the business. Quite a leap, I guess it's still real to him, dammit! Jericho them says after Summerfest, he's gonna turn to the other thing killing the WWE, The Great Kalhi in the Wonder Woman outfit...err I mean John Cena. They get in each others face on que we have an IM from the GM. AND I QUOTE @ 8:15 CDT! The The Super Friends vs The Legion of Doom at Summerfest will be an elimination style match, and that Cena/Jericho will be in a tag match later tonight against opponents of his choosing. And if your not down that, we've got two words for ya. OMG IT MUST BE DX AS THE GM GfeghrehrehfhtwrHFrehfEs!
Randy Orton vs Jay Uso in a singles match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
"The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus, comes out to scout and do commentary. Before he can even get there, the voices told Orton to come out and make glare at him. I QUOTE @8:23 CDT! Haha The Usos are already jobbing. End match Jay covers Orton for a two. He puts him in a head lock and Orton fights up. They trade blows, and Orton delivers two clothelines and a SNAP POWERSLAM (Cole is mentally ill). He takes out Jimmy on the apron and DDTs Jay off the ropes. Randy the beats the mat and then delivers the RKO for the win. Afterward Jimmy Uso beats down Orton. Orton throws Jimmy out and RKO's Sheamus outta nowhere. The Miz comes running down with a ref looking to cash in his Money in the Bank contract. As Sheamus was getting up, before the bell rang, Orton RKO'd The Miz and yet again Miz can't cash in. I like how they're doing MitB with Miz, it keeps me excited that he could cash in at any time.
Edge can't wait for Summerslam, and wishes Teddy was on the team instead of Kalhi, cause he's clumsy, uncoordinated and stupid. Maryse is looking pretty and is yet again wearing a very non-PG dress. Ted says he's gonna beat Morrison later tonight, and Edge says if Cena doesn't see the error in his way he'll have to take out Kalhi himself.
The Miz and Sheamus are arguing in the ring, when the email sends a GM..oh wait that's how Cole screws it up. Anywho, AND I QUOTE (for a third time!!!) @8:36 CDT!, and The Miz/Sheamus will face Cena/Jericho later tonight.
Edge is on the phone when "Wonder Kalhi" storms in like a rat out of India, saying blah de blah blah blah and that Edge is a ninconpoop. He challenges Edge to a match and Edge accepts saying that if Kalhi loses (God forbid, he the future of the WWE) he;s out of The Super Friends.
Edge vs The Great Kalhi "Jobberwalkie #2" in a singles match: NR
Cole is alone on commentary? My God it's like letting a mentally challenged drive a car down the LA Expressway. Cole stop calling them Team WWE, that's lamer than you babbling on commentary. End of what the Raw Writing Team calls a match, Kalhi missed a leg drop and The Nexus storms the ring. Edge high tails it, and they surround Kalhi in the ring. But they let him leave, God I wish they'd take Cole out already. I mean hell, this time he was alone!
Nexus stays in the ring as their 7 man tag is next against Team Raw. They are; Lawler, Goldust, Mark Henry, Yoshi Tatsu, Bourne, The Hart Dynasty w/Natalya's Boobs. My Lord it's like they shipped straight from the Island of Misfit Toys.
Team Raw vs The Nexus in a 7-on-7 Elimination Tag Team match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Screw trying to do a play by play, so Imma be different and just list out the eliminations as they happen. God I'm lazy.
1. Yoshi Tatsu eliminated by Michael Tarver after a Inverted Snap Powerslam
Vintage @8:55 CDT!
2. Jerry "The King" Lawler eliminated by Heath Slater after The Zig Zag
3. David Hart Smith eliminated by Heath Slater after The Zig Zag (Man Dolf might be getting a push)
4. Goldust eliminated by David Otunga after his spine buster
5. Mark Henry eliminated by Skip "To My Lou" Sheffield after his running clothesline
6. Tyson Kidd eliminated by Darren Young after the full Nelson into a flapjack
7. Evan Bourne eliminated by Wade Barret after the fireman's carrying into the dump over the front
Afterward they took out Bourne with Sheffield's clothesline and Gabriel's cool 450 Splash. Wade says afterward that Cenas...err Jericho's team isn't unified and that the cracks already showing in the team. Skip then says that The Super Friends are only looking out for themselves, while The Legion of Doom is willing to sacrifice for each other. Tarver closes by saying they are going to tear into the meat that is Team WWE. I'd much rather say that the WWE team is meat and that Nexus is gonna beat it. Hehe, I went there.
Sheamus and Miz are in the back and Sheamus tells Miz that now he's tried to cash in twice now. But it didn't happen and he tells Miz to name the time and place. Miz says maybe he'll cash in after he wins their tag match. After he throws Sheamus back in and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on him and Jericho slaps on the Walls. And Sheamus is yelling how he wants to quit. Fella x2 @9:12 CDT!! Sheamus hits the briefcase out of Miz's hand and they get in each others face as we go to commercial.
Alica Fox (Divas Champion) beat Brie "Whore #1" Bella w/Nikki "Whore #2" Bella in a singles match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
Haha they haven't been on Raw in like weeks so now they get thrown into a match with the champ to make her look stronger. WWE can't fire them (The Bellas) either cause the Raw will be lacking Divas. The Bella try to pull a switcheroo but Jillan (WTF?) stops them from doing it. Brie trys to roll Alica up, but only get's a two. Alica them hits the scissors kick to Brie (on the back again...) for the 1-2-3. Then Jillian wants to sing for her, but Alica gets the scissors kick (for a third time in a row) to the back. Good job, give her a move she can to right.
Ted DiBise w/Maryse beat John Morrison in a singles match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
R-Truth comes out and does his terrible rapping and yelling "What's Up." He's on commentary. This match was set up after Morrison came out and saved the ref after the blown call during the Maryse/Eve match last week. Shut up please! It's like 3 toddlers arguing about finger paints in kindergarten. End match Morrison hits a back heel kick, and the a Pele kick in the corner on DiBiase. Maryse distracts Morrison, Truth distracts Ted, who drop toe holds Morrison into Truth. Then DiBiase rolls him up for the three count. Afterward I think we might have a heel turn by Morrison and they're both arguing all the way up the ramp. Cena is watching in the back and he's melting like the Wicked Witch of the East after water is thrown on her. Haha.
Recap of the recap they showed earlier on what happened when The Super Friends were formed last week. God we know, why waste time with these f***ing things when Ted/Morrison (great workers) get a 3 minute match. You baffle and piss me off Raw Writing Team.
Cole and King put on their concerned voices at how The Super Friends were busting at the seams. LMFAO Josh "Goofy Smile Matthews' "very special guest" is 'The Viper' Randy Orton. God Cole it's an interview not a Goddamn Red Carpet at the Oscars. Orton says that his message was that whoever he faced at Summerslam would lose to the RKO.
Sheamus (WWE Champion)/The Miz (Money in the Bank/United States Champion) beat John Cena/Chris Jericho in a tag team match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Really Raw and Summerslam are sponsored by 7-11, God I never would've guessed. The Miz out first, and next out is his partner Sheamus. Third out is the best in the world at what he does and the emperor of the WWE, Chris Jericho himself. Of course Cena is out last. Never mind he's not MitB winner or a current champion, he sells a lot of t-shirts and gets a good pop. Miz starts with Cena, too bad his cheap shot didn't work. A third "Y2J" chant erupts from the crowd after he's tagged in. Jericho sends Sheamus over the top rope and chases Miz off the apron as we cut to yet another freaking commercial. There has been waaayyy to many tonight. AND I QUOTE @9:56 CDT! A 4th time in one night, I'm over loading! End match Jericho fights out of a submission by Sheamus but gets The Blarney Stone instead. It only gets Sheamus a two. Shemaus and Jericho start dropping bombs, but Sheamus makes the tag to Miz. Miz works over Jericho. Jericho kicks Miz in the chin and this hit a missile dropkick on Miz. Y2J doesn't make it to Cena due to Sheamus coming in off the tag. Sheamus puts him in a submission, but Jericho fights up, but Sheamus drags him to his corner and tags Miz in. Miz stomps and punches Jericho in the corner and misses his clothesline into the corner. Y2J tags in Cena and miz tags on Sheamus. Cena with the shoulder blocks and the back suplex into the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Vintage Cena @10:01 CDT! Sheamus distracts the ref afterward and the outta nowhere Jericho give Cena a Codebreaker and Miz covers him for the 1-2-3!
Afterward Jericho slaps the Wall of Jericho on Cena. Cena reverses it into the STF onto Jericho. Kalhi comes out to mediate but gets speared by Edge. Morrison and Truth come out now. Kalhi then axe handles Truth and Morrison to close out Raw.
Raw rating: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Last week: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
I'll keep this short. I liked Nexus dominating, I liked Orton cause he's on fire, I like all the Miz/Sheamus interactions, Jericho as always, and the crowd was hot. Everything else was crap! Coles more retarded than ever, there was like 20 commercial breaks, the matches were all short, bad, or unentertaining. And bah God after Cena takes the Codebreaker, loses the match and has the Wall of Jericho slapped on him he still has to Superman up (he doesn't tap at all) and reverse it into the STF and Jericho taps within seconds. Maye it just me being pissy but this Raw was on par with last week, some good that was really good, but the rest was bad. Not the worst ever, but far far from the best.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples
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