Ah 900 episodes, even if WWE hasn't done 900, hell they've might be over 900s, it's still a feat. Get ready to hear Cole say "record breaking", and "longest running weekly episodic television show in history" like 900 times. I'll note every time he says one of the phrases with a "[x]". Anywho, enough of this..and I quote, let's lay down the Raw.
[1] Wow we start off the promos with one. God help us all. [2] King busts his nut over the mian event later tonight, and Bret Hart's music hits. I'd be excited if it were January..alas it isn't. [3] He talks about how 17 years ago RAW debuts, and he wondered if it would be a hit. He says it's cause of us it's still going terrible...I mean good. He says himself and HBK..er Undertaker were the only two left on the roster was on the first RAW. Kanes, the World Heavyweight Champion, music hits and maybe we'll hear a live debate on who the devil likes more. Kane says that there is no more Undertaker, and he's no longer a "Phenom". Kane says all he is now is broken down old pussy. Haha I wish, he just called him a man. Kane then compares the Hitman to 'Taker as weak, feeble, over the hill, and a pussy. Haha, again I wish. He said that the last time he was any good, was when he sent Shawn Michaels into retirement. bret says that he can't wait for Kane to get beat by Undertaker, as usual. Kane says all he's ever wanted to do is be out of Undertakers penis shadow. Is this catching on? Kane says he's gonna take out Bret like 'Taker did Shawn. The Hart Dynasty comes out to save Bret, but do nothing. The lights go out and the crowd goes nuts. Undertaker is in the ring and him and Kane have a lovers stare down. Kane leaves, as the GM IMs "The Great Dumbass" Cole. AND I QUOTE @8:11 CDT! He/she/it/they inform us that tonight they're will be an historic match for the historic RAW. Undertaker vs Bret "The Hitman" Hart. I'll bet anyone $500 it ends in a DQ.
We get clips from episodes of RAW. The debut, and the great Austin Zamboni attack.
The Miz (Mr. Money in the Bank/United States Champion)/Alex Riley beat Kaval/Daniel Bryan and Kofi Kingston/Joe Hennig Jr. in a triple threat tag team match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stas
OMFG I'm have a great f***ing wrestler tagging in a match-gasm. Too bad they won't win. Haha Cole's bitching, it's the best part of RAW and NXT tbh. Cause God knows he doesn't call moves right and sucks on the shtick. Haha Miz can't tag himself in, but good try. End match Migilcutty (the hell if I know how to spell his stupid ring-name) rolls up Kaval for a two. Kaval kicks Migilcutty and then hits The Warrior's Way. Miz then comes in and hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pinfall.
Afterward, Bryan throws Riley out of the ring, while Cole busts a nut, and Miz hits Bryan with the Money in the Bank briefcase. [4]
We have recap of Melina beating Jillian and ay-Cool telling them they have something FLAWLESS planned for tonight.
Team Lay-Cool (The Co-Womens Champions) vs Melina (Divas Champion)/Eve Torres in a divas tag team match: 0.1/10 or PoS/5 Stars
Cole thing Lay-Cool calling Melina "Lady Wawa", oh s***t the match is over...in to minutes...off a roll-up..and everyone didn't get tagged it. I hate RAW.
REAL TALK though! They challenge Melina, this is shocking really, to a unification match. Melina says she's prepared, God this is brutal. Melina says it'll be a Lumberjack match. Lumberjill you dumb whore. Lay-Cool accepts. And then the divas roster comes out. The Bellas, Jillian, Rosa, and Fox all blow. Literally, in the back whoever they can find. REAL TALK, I don't give a f***. God I'm flawless.
They show another flashback of when Nexus was awesome and they first took out Cena and Bryan got kicked out for chocking someone with tie. Ahh good ranting times. They then cut to Nexus and Tarver says people are calling them weak cause Young is gone and Skip broke is ankle. Barrett says that tonight they'll do something we'll never forget. [6]
They flashback to when Barker hosted RAW and called Jericho "Mr. happy Boy". It was a good RAW. "Let's do it!" is one of the best quotes ever.
Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews is in the back with the best in the world at what he does, Chris Jericho. He's sick of all us and says that if he doesn't win the WWE title at Night of Champions in three weeks. Josh says he thinks he joke, but he calls him a liar, us all hypocrites, and says he has something planned for Nexus later.
The Good and the Bad (John Morrison/"Mr. Narcissistic" R-Truth) and "Dashing" Cody Rhodes/"The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre were both DQ'd in a tag team match to be the No.1 Contenders for the WWE Tag Team Championships: NR
[7] I'm loving Cole ragging on R-Truth's theme, cause frankly I agree with him..it sucks bung.
I feel sorry for Boston having to listen to Truth's theme for 5 minutes. OH OH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Yeah whata surprise, maybe some grooming tips tonight. Nice even Drew's abbreviated theme is awesome. PUPPIES @8:50 CDT! Whata gip, this is why I hate RAW, the ref threw the match out in less than a minute. They brawl and I don't care. Whata waste.
Another flashback...to earlier this year..when Bret and HBK made up. It was a great moment. But how about older clips?
The "Phenom is in Vegetative State" Undertaker vs Bret "The Hitman" Hart in a singes match: Never Started
If Triple H was here we could have the ultimate triple threat match. Seeing who takes the longest getting to the ring out of Triple H, Undertaker, and Randy Orton. I do love King and Cole listing off shows that 70% of the audience don't even know about. [8] YES! Wade Barrett has saved the day! Thank God almighty! VINTAGE UNDERTAKER @9:02 CDT! Cause only Undertaker uses the big boot as a move. The lights go out. Kane comes out and a slugs it out with Undertaker. The lights go out again and Nexus comes out. Undertaker fights them off and Undertaker goes for a chokeslam on Barrett. The lights go out again, and Undertaker is on Barrett's shoulder and he hits the Barret Bomb on Undertaker, the Gabriel hit's the 450 Splash. Undertaker is trying to sit up, Kane is laughing his ass off, and I'm banging my head against the wall. Least Nexus is still going over, but we all know it's over in a month and a half.
"Lispy" Jack Swagger beat Evan Bourne in a singles match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Swagger says that he's a returning countertenor and that Boston sucks. I'll bet this doesn't go three minutes. Oh look two minutes in Alberto Del Rio, "Truthman" himself comes out in his fancy car, and does the Mexican JBL gimmick. Cole busted a huge nut over him too. I do like him, but I want wresting. Wow about 4 minutes in, the match kept going, and Swagger won with the Ankle Lock.
Alberto Del Rio says that he's sorry the RAW viewers couldn't see him take out Rey Mysterio on Smackdown, yeah cause the people at RAW only watch RAW, so he'll take Evan Bourne. He slaps on the cross arm breaker on Bourne and tries to do what he did to Rey Friday. Outta nowhere we get out thirst's quenched as The Kool-Aid Man bum rushed ringside and punches a chair. Riveting.
As Cole cleans up by changing pants, they show a package of the Superstars thoughts on preforming for the first time in China. I'll give them props, it is a pretty cool achievement.
We have another flashback, and finally it's not one from the past year. It's a great promo too, Mankind doing The Rock's "It's Your Life".
CM Punk, Joseph, Luke, and Serena come out for a 900th episode straight edge talk. Wait what Sernea got fired? Haha whoops. Too soon? CM Punk says that he's better than The Rock and his stupid Toothfairy movie. He asked Boston if they wanted to see The Rock. They cheered as usual. YES, PUNK WITH A KATIE VICK REFERENCE! He shows clips of people destroying property, throwing people in bodies of water, trespassing, and excessive use of beer. Actually all pretty good flashback clips. CM Punk said he'd never throw someone in a body of water, it's unsportsmanlike haha. Punk said it's just like us to cheer for someone like Stone Cold and would love for him to come down and give a beer bath. Stone Cold's music hits and the crowd goes nuts. CM Punk is laughing in the ring and mocks Boston for falling for it. He shows the clip of Lesnar superplexing Big Show and breaking the ring. Punk says he forgot who was superplexing him haha. Big Show comes out and Punk asked why he always gets interrupted. Big Show asks why Punk with a fat joke. Big Shows says that those aren't embarrassing, embarrassing is when Eddie gave him a tainted burrito. And Eddie chant erupts. Big Show takes a shot at Hogan and TNA, and CM Punk says "no one likes him and he's not funny". Big Show got pissed and hit Punk and took out Gallows as we got to commercial. God I love Punk, and him and Show made this worth watching.
As we come back we get another flashback of Triple H coming back to an amazing ovation on the 450th episode of RAW.
Matthews in on the stage and has a very special guest, the WWE Champion. Sheamus, The Pale White Yonder, says that he's sorry Triple H isn't here and it's not fair that he has to defend his title and team with the rest of the people in his six-pack challenge. Edge comes out. FELLA @9:46 CDT! Edge says that ever since his debut on the 236th episode. He tells Sheamus that he's gonna take his title and add it to all the accolades he acrewed on RAW over the years. He makes a Beaker joke mememememememeemememe and runs to the ring for the main event next.
The Nexus, Wade Barret/David Otunga/Heath Slater/Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater beat Sheamus (WWE Champion)/Edge/Chris Jericho/Randy Orton/John Cena in a 5-on-5 elimination tag team match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Yay a rematch from Summerfest. Too bad it won't go 40 minutes and will suck. As the 900th episode draws to a close, the voices told Orton to come out, and of course he obliges them. Ya know Cena started acting like a Marine when he was doing that movie. Maybe he since he's starring in a wrestling movie he could actually wrestle. NEXT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's 56 after in the second hour, God this show is S***fest 2010. I'll just put down the how all the eliminations happen, cause I'm lazy and I don't care. [9]
Elimination #1. Well Jericho eliminates himself by walking out. Haha
Elimination #2. Well Edge eliminates himself too by getting DQ'd by pushing the ref. Hahaha
Elimination #3. Heath Slater eliminates the WWE Champion Sheamus off the Zig Zag (Thanks for posting Ziggler)
Elimination #4. John Cena eliminates Heat Slater off the Attitude Adjustment
VINTAGE Nexus @10:09 CDT!
Elimination #5. John Cena eliminates David Otunga via the STF
Elimination #6. Justin Gabriel eliminates John Cena off the 405 Splash
Elinination #7. Randy Orton eliminates Justin Gabriel off the RKO
Elimination #8. Randy Orton eliminates Michael Tarver off the RKO
Elimination #9. Wade Barrett eliminates Randy Orton off The Wasteland
RAW Rating: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Last Week: 6.5/10 or 3.25/5 Stars
One star for CM Punk and one star for Wade Barrett. Wade Barret getting over everyone is nice and Punk's promo was godly. But the rest of this show was garbage. Ok promos by Edge and Y2J. Terrible matches. The flashbacks were lame. The announcing was terrible. The storylines right now are all lame. The show went 15 minutes over. Etc, etc. Need I say more? This is the first time since HBK left that I've wanted him to come back. I hate Raw. BTW, I didn't care to edit this much, cause WWE didn't care to put on much of a show.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples
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