We're across the pond and not live this week for Raw. We have two matches announced for tonight and the guy whose old car is more popular than him, David Hasslehof, is hosting. So taped from our mother country, let's lay down the Raw!
We start off with David Hasselhoff, and we hear about 50 "Hoff" puns. But the real news is Hasselhoff setting up Orton vs Jack Swagger for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules. Yes, I smell Fatal Four-Way as I been skeptical about the last two weeks. Or possibly it just stays single and Orton moves to Smackdown. Either way I'm fine with it, good opening. Cue the Divas Championship match!
Eve Torres beat Maryse (Divas Champion) in a singles match for the Divas Championship via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
And we have an new Divas Champion and it's my main girl Eve Torres-Day! Eve looks good as usual, and Maryse is cleavage-tastic. Eve is getting much better in-ring and hopefully she'll get better with more ring time as champ. End match Eve sets up Maryse in the corner and misses a nice looking moonsault. Maryse slaps around Eve and Eve blocks the French Kiss DDT and rolls-through into a bridged pin for the 1-2-3! I'm truly happy as I've always though she was good in-ring and it's been a constant improvement in my eyes.
ShowMiz comes out and they have an earth-shattering announcement. No the Big Show isn't gonna start jumping up and down. The Miz is astonished that Big Show doesn't have a bigger ego and declares ShowMiz the greatest tag team in WWE History. And Bret Hart begs to differ. I smell The Hart Dynasty coming out in a bit. Bret wants a Kit-Kat and names The Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs as better than ShowMiz. Miz hurls insults at the British crowd and Show tells Bret, for the last time, to leave. Oh look, my nose was right, here comes the Hart Dynasty. "Bulldog" chants start as David Hart Smith challenges Miz to a 1-on-1 match. If he wins we have THD vs ShowMiz at Extreme Rules. On one condition, if D.H. Smith loses then next week Bret will have to declare that ShowMiz is the greatest of all time.
The Miz (United States/Unified Tag Team Champion) w/Big Show (Unified Tag Team Champion) beat David Hart Smith w/Tyson Kidd/Natyala in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Like I said above the stipulations are still in effect. D.H. Smith hits a truly vintage British Bulldog delayed vertical suplex. Very nice. (Thanks for posting Borat) End match DH counters a bulldog and hits three clotheslines. DH Smith then hits a POWERSLAM for a two. Miz rolls him and DH kicks out at two. DH with a belly to belly suplex which gets a two. Miz hits the cool clothesline in the corner. Miz goes off the top rope and takes a boot. DH slaps on the Sharpshooter but Big Show gets involved. Which ends up with DH getting his kidney KNOCKED THE F*** OUT and is plastered with the Skull Crushing Finale. Bret has to eat his words, to bad the Mr. McMahon character is retired now, or he'd relish in this. Solid match and good ring action for RAW so far, I like, I like a lot.
Video package, made by Andy of course, of last Mondays Raw. Cut to the back where Mr. Google Me himself Otunga is sucking up to Batista. He decides to go get them coffee when he runs into The Hoff. Another bad Hoff pun and the Bella whores are back as arm candy, they were missed. He informs Otunga that Cena and him with be in a match. Hoff asks Kit (the aforementioned car) how long it'll take Cena to put him away. Kit says 22 seconds. Hopefully we get a decent match, but it Raw, and even though we know Cena is "Superman" they'll book Cena to win fast and clean.
Evan Bourne beat Carltio in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
My God two jobbers in a match? What? Who is going to win and climb the jobber ladder? Me and my dad want a WWE Jobbers Championship. Oh the match is still going, my Lord Raw is different. End match Bourne hit Carltio with a massive running knee which gets a two. Carltio throws Evan into the corner with a hit-toss which garners a two. Carltio then sets Bourne up on the top ropes and misses a Backstabber which lets Evan Bourne hit the very, very pretty shooting star press. They got a longer than normal 6ish minutes and did well with it, I liked the match. Raw is doing good tonight.
John "Superman" Cena beat David "Google Me" Otunga in a singles match via tapout: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Oh look, as Cena is in the ring Cole reminds us this is the longest running show on television. Really? I mean it's not like we don't know, even though it been this way and you've been saying it for two years know. I get it, its for the new watchers, and even they don't care. Good God in heaven Cena is actually doing wrestling moves not in his repertoire in the early-going. The end matches come quick and sudden, as Cena hits a massive clothesline as he calls for Batista to come down to the ring. He then slaps the STF on Otunga and he taps out. I actually liked as Cena actually shows he knows wrestling moves rather than his same old 5 move set. It wasn't 22 seconds, but it wasn't a 10 minute clinic. Just a solid short squash.
It's the good ol' Pale Blue Yonder and he dress to compete yet he's only talking to us, strange hunh? And this is why us pro wrestling fans gets harped on. While normal "sports" talks with clothes on, we have a ghost that ate a bag of Cheetos talking in his tights. Sheamuns informs us that Triple H has shown his hand and the fact that he is scared of Sheamus. AND that at Extreme Rules Triple H and him will be in a Street Fight. Cue the Identity Confused Kofi Kingston. And we have a match, outta nowhere, between Kofi and Sheamus.
Kofi Kingston beat Sheamus in a singles match via DQ: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
End match, Sheamus hits a flipping running powerslam on Kofi which gets a two. They battle on the apron and they both get back in the ring. Kofi Kingston continues his Kickfest and hits a second pretty dropkick. The Boom Drop connects and he also hits the Trouble in Paradise after Sheamus misses the Blarney Boot. But Sheamus grabs the bottom rope at two. They brawl on the outside and Sheamus hits Kofi with a monitor and the beat down begins. He throws Kofi back-first into the ring post and ends with a Nameless Razors Edge into said ring-post telling us all this is what he's gonna do to Triple H at Extreme Rules. I liked this match good action, I like both guys in the ring and they were given the chance to do good on a good Raw and they delivered. Raw has really impressed me tonight.
A weird segment with Carlito wanting to be listened to more and if he doesn't go to Smackdown he'll quit. And that next week if Vladimir Kozlof is ignored he'll take it out this MacGruber.
Run-down of the Extreme Rules card and head into an interview with Orton by Josh Matthews. Orton informs us that extreme rules = no rules. Thanks, I didn't know. Orton tells us that he's taken out everyone including Vince McMahon, and that extreme rules with Swagger it's business, but with Batista later tonight, it's personal.
The Bella Twins (Nikki/Brie) beat Kelly Kelly/Gail Kim & Rosa Mendez/Jillian in a Baywatch Babe (Oh God am I really typing this) triple threat tag team match via pinfall: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
David Hasselhoff is the Lifeguard..for some reason for this match. I'll give him props this Raw has been mighty good by my taste. Oh snap Kelly Kelly and Gail stealing JoMo's slow-mo as they run down to the ring Baywatch opening style. I chuckled, but not as much as "Old Perv" Jerry Lawler or "Vintage Nerd" Michael Cole. We come back as The Bella Whores as running to the ring. Hahaha Santino is the guest ref and he ran in slow motion too! We get a "Santino" chant to start the match. Kelly Kelly with a nice whirlie bird head scissors, and the Jillian with the nice Samoan drop on one of the Bellas. Haha at Santino being shocked at Kelly back-flip too. Jillan and Gail Kim come in for some reason. The Bellas switch out and then the other one gets Rosa in an inside cradle for the pin. I do like The Bellas, but more as eye relief than wrestlers. Jillian pushes a whistle down Santino's throat which lead to the smallest, most annoying Raw superstar is called to tadpole splash it out. It was alright till Hornswoggle, but one little bad part out of and hour and forty-five minutes doesn't ruin this show for me.
The cast of MacGruber is hosting next week. It's one of the current SNL that makes me laugh every time the do it. Hope its fun and wrestling oriented, rather than a big bad skit show. We see a video package of WWE European tour, looks fun, WWE stars a truly lucky to get to travel around the world and entertain us.
Randy Orton beat Batista in a singles match via DQ: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
The voices reminded Randy is back in the main event, and it's not with Cena or Triple H, so he gladly comes out. Batista's music hits as he and Phil (his nose ring) call for the spotlight. I love the ego-heel Batista has going, wish he wasn't leaving over the summer cause he's on fire. We have an Evolution match too, and I'm glad Cole/King acknowledged it. And this match started at about 9:48 so it should be a nice, longer than normal, main event for whats been a pleasurable Raw. Vintage and Viper in the same sentence off the inverted backbreaker from Orton @9:52 CDT! I'm flustered now. They go to commercial, but it's not an out to the floor spot. It's all good I just got Vintage and Viper'd, I'm overloaded with consistency. About seven minutes in now and Batista looks like he sick of this match. Batista cleans off the table, but it backfires as Orton counters. I guess not, as he looks for a Edge-like spear on Orton. Orton counters with a kick and throws Dave into the ring-post as an "RKO" chant erupts. Good crowd, adds to the show. Orton hits three clotheslines and then a POWERSLAM (God someone tell Cole he's stupid and wrong!) and sets up for the RKO, and shifts into a punt which Batista gets ot of the way of. But Batista is caught getting in the ring he takes a second rope DDT which garners a two. And not Orton wants an RKO. But Batista counters it into a spinebuster! Batista sets up for the Batista Bomb and Orton counters and hits a RKO on Batista OUTTA NOWHERE @10:02 CDT! But, Swagger comes in to hit the Gut-wrench Powerbomb on Randy, and Cena then comes an slaps the STF on Batista. And we close the show with Cena counting the 10 to a sprawled out Batista.
Raw: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
Raw has been good the last three weeks, and was actually a very good watch tonight. Minus the end of the Baywatch match. New Divas Champ in Eve Torres-Day *squeals*, Miz/DH Smith was good, Evan/Carltio had a solid match, Cena shows that he has something than his standard 5 move-set, Sheamus/Kofi was good, and Orton/Batista was great. Couple that with good storyline movement by Batista, Orton, and Sheamus, and it was a great watch. Now if only Raw were in England every week. Also still hard to believe HBK is gone, maybe they're stepping up their game in tribute to him, I dunno, I just want it to keep going.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples!
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