As most all of Raw is stuck in Europe due to the volcanic eruption, we have Smackdown invading Raw, unfortunately Cole and King made it back, to host Raw from the iZod center in, ewww, New Jersey. Anywho time to lay down the Raw, Smackdown style.
Triple H informs us, with hit0and0miss jokes that Raw was stuck in Europe and that him and Frank the audio guy will have 2-hour Iron Man match. Just kidding, he plugs his match at EC with Sheamus. He'll be him any other color than white. Hehe. Cue our a savior, CM Punk and in tow is Serena and Gallows. But not even he can save this train wreck of an opener. It leading to Triple H making a gay joke and showing us Lilian is here for one night only. CM Punk tells Triple H he wasn't asking him to join and SES jumps Triple H. Rey comes out to save him as Punk and his clippers...I mean razor (Cole's a dumb-f***). Then Rey shaves a piece of Punks hair of and SES gets outta dodge. All the while Cole and King are laughing too hard for no reason what-so-ever.
Drew McIntyre (Intercontinental Champion) beat Matt Hardy in a singles match via pinfall: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Look The Lone Jobberwalkie is squaring off with The Chosen One. A "Let's go Drew/Hardy sucks" chant erupts as Matt hits a side effect for a two. Drew goes for the Future Shock DDT and Hardy back dropped him out and go for a Twist of Fate, which is also countered. They knock heads and Hardy is up first. He goes for his elbow for the second rope and Drew sweeps the legs and Hardy lands on his head. Drew gets the pin fall off this. Well a decent match on Smackdown is neutered by Raw down to three minutes...crap.
We go live to Cena is Belfast for LIve Taped Taxi Cab Confession Pt.1! But Cole f'ed the timing up and made it even more obvious that this was taped. Another good job by Cole. Cena tells us that all the WWE Stars are ok and that he'd be at Extreme Rules for his Last Man Standing match between him and Batista. Even if it meant him swimming across the Atlantic Ocean. Haha really, that line, Raw is very poor so far. Sadly the champ will still be here next Monday at the 2010 WWE Draft.
When we come back Vladmir Kozlof is in the ring. He has Jerry read a statement that he sick of the ways guest hosts treat them. Blah blah. MacGruber comes out and says some of the best people are from New Jersey, such as Paul Blart Mall Cop. Vlad tells him to stop saying bad stuff about him and such. He then asks how do you say "You're a big pile of suck" in Russian. MacGruber comes back with a Yo Mamma joke. "Based on your appearance, that the most cold, cobweb filled place isn't New Jersey, but his mom's uterus." A 'You can't say that' even erupted (bad choice of words?) from the crowd. Awesome. MacGruber informs him that he'll be facing R-Truth and if he tries to leave the place is rigged to blow up. It end up blowing r-Truth up, F***ING YES! Will he miss, tv time? I doubt it, but if he does I'm not complaining. Vlad remakes him versus MacGruber later tonight joy.
We come back to MacGruber trying to run. Triple H comes on and asks why he pissed in his pants. He says he such a good friend, switched his pants with someone else who pissed their pants. Kane walks up and MacGruber says he's the guy who he switched pants with and then split. Turns out peeing wasn't the only thing he did in the pants. And it's not what all you pervs are thinking....although it might be, ya never know.
Cue our Live Taped Taxi Cab Confessions with Randy Orton. Short and sweet as he says he's going to end up where ever the World Heavyweight Championship is. Nice. Long entrance, short interviews. He must not have kick started the voices tonight...or whenever they taped that.
Lillian introduces the one and only Mr. Lisp Champion, Jack Swagger, and I assume he has a match or he's gonna talk to us. That cause there's no cage with a canary in the ring. He says words are cheap when you 3000 miles away. He also asked for a ref and challenges anyone who is in the back to come out and beat him. Cue the Deadman and he's working Monday's again, probably for a nice bonus. All the while Cole and King bust their nuts and suck 'Takers **** to get their cut of the bonus (Sorry for the vulgarity...well those of you that aren't chuckling). I'd rather just watch the the crowd noise.
The Undertaker vs Jack Swagger (World Heavyweight Champion) in a singles match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
ITS NOT A ****ING SCOOP-SLAM COLE YOU TERRIBLE MORON ANNOUNCER! ITS A DAMN POWERSLAM! Undertaker hits the leg drop on the apron for a VINTAGE Undertaker @9:06 CDT! He hits a suplex on Swagger for a two. He throws a dreaded rear-chinlock on Swagger and covers him for a two as we go into commercial. No out to the floor spot, bad Raw. Decent match so far though. End match Swagger wraps 'Taker knee around the post which garners a two count. They have a slug-fest in the middle of the ring. Swagger kicks the knee though. Then he Irish Whips the Undertaker only to get hit with a DTT resulting in a two count. Undertaker hits Snake-Eyes the big boot and the leg drop for a two. Undertaker calls for his classic chokeslam but it wasn't to be as Swagger hits a DDT of his own for a two. He then sets Undertaker up for his double jump splash. But Undertaker catches him OUTTA NOWHERE and hit a chokeslam, then the Tombstone for the 1-2-3. And lol at Cole for botching his Jimmy Hoffa joke. Idiot. Viper @ 9:18 CDT too!
We come back to Jericho telling SES to do as he says cause he's beaten Rey, Triple H, and Edge more times than he can count. He then runs into MacGruber and Vicky in the back. He says he's getting early Best Man nominations for his role and that he's in line to star in his own sequel "Jer-I-Co", I'd see it. MacGruber asks for advice in his match with Kozlof next. Jericho says to extend his hand, can then he can even turn his tongue into Jell-O, amazing.
McaGruber/Kahluberw/Vicky St. Elmo/Ryan Phillipe beat Vladimir Kozlof in a handicap match via countout: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
King botched Jericho's awesome joke and Kozlof goes for The Iron Curtain, as Ryan Phillipe comes out and MacGruber is now in a handicap match and his partner is MacGrugbers half brother, Kahluber. Idgaf what you all think, epic. Kahluber chases Kozlof off giving Macgrubers team the win. He then plus Shrek 4 instead of his own movie, I chuckled.
Triple H/Rey Mysterio/Edge beat Chris Jericho/CM Punk/Luke Gallows w/Serena in a 3-on-3 tag team match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Look our third Live Taped Taxi Cab Confession from the Pale White Yonder. He hits a BLARNEY BOOT on a tech guy @9:47 CDT and stomps on him. Boy that sure showed him. Did King just call Rey one of the best young stars in the WWE? HAHA I think the writing teams need to actually be told who is and isn't young talent. Lmao. And about a minute in the heel team got taken out by a launched Rey to take us to commercial. 1/2 for the night isn't bad, you tired Raw. End match Edge and Gallows come in and Edge gives Gallows the boot. Then Edge sets up for a spear, but Serena/Y2J gets involved and kicks him in the heel. In comes Cm Punk and does some damage, and Y2J back in. He works the crowd before stomping on his ankle again. unk back in and works Edges whole leg now as he grapevines it. Gallows is and he even works the leg, but Edge hits a flying clothesline. Triple H gets the tag with CM Punk. He hits the high knee, the facebuster and a clotheline on Punk for a two ocunt. Vintage Triple H @10:05 CDT off the spinebuster. Gallows comes in but gets taken out by Rey, Y2J get's tossed outside. Edge drop toe holds Punk into the ropes. Rey hits the 619 and then Triple H hits the Pedigree for the 1-2-3. Solid match to end a corny joke-filled Raw.
Raw: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Last Week: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
I know people though last week was crap, and those people are stupid. They had 5 matches, none of which were under five minutes, and Hasselhoff did an ok job Hosting. Not to mention Swagger/Orton was great. This week is bleh. I like MacGruber on SNL (The guys a friggin' genius) and the skits were alright. But the limited in-ring action and the misuse of the awesome Smackdown crew by Raw made it only a so-so show. Swagger yet again had another great match and I'm astonished Raw misused him so badly and the main event was good too. Watch if you like SNL and all their corny jokes and skits and catch the two matches I listed. Not terrible, just lacking. And someone please get Cole/King in check they're terrible at announcing, hell split them at the draft next week. It's just a bad pairing week in and week out now. From and 8/10 SD to a 5/10 Raw. I might be cause the roster was missing so I'll give them a freebie, but they could've done way better with the A-Shows Superstars.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
http://www.facebook.com/matthewmday
http://www.twitter.com/matthewmday
I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples!
No comments:
Post a Comment