Hey everyone I took last week off from writing about the shows so I could do my HBK piece, and finally getting around to Layin' Down the Raw today. Busy week, and Raw wasn't half bad. So live from, Lordy, where ever they were, haha, let's lay down the raw!
If you didn't know, "Mr Lisp #2" Jack Swagger, successfully cashed in his Money in the Bank opportunity Friday Night on a very agitated and sore ribbed Chris Jericho. Can I call him "Mr. Lisp Champion" Jack Swagger now? It doesn't matter, I am. Swagger says he's going to Thmackdown cause he thought he taw a putty tat, I mean there's no worthy opponents for him on Raw. Here's where Cena comes out, all decked in that God-awful orange merch, and begs to differ. He says someone in the ring is wearing orange and he begs to differ. Cena wants a farewell match with Swagger and he'll even put his WWE Championship on the line. At this point the voices in Randy Orton's head tell him to come out to the ring, and rather than suppress them, he obliges them. That can't be healthy. Orton says his last match should be with him, because he pinned him last week and it's only fair he sends him off properly. Cue Raws best talker and his human giant destroyer aka ShowMiz and they have something to say, although I don't quite know why. Miz tells Cena and Orton they're trying to take the spotlight to start out Raw, as usual, and that the focus should be on the Unified Tag Team Champions. Cue the NXT Rookie, "Mr. Google Me" himself, David Otunga, and he already wielding power and making matches cause he's the Guest Host this week. He sets up Swagger v Orton, and also ShowMiz vs Cena/Batista for the UTTCs. After he's done Orton tried to RKO Cena, Cena pushes him off and hits Swagger with it instead.
"The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus beat "Identity Confused" Kofi Kingston in a singles match via pinfall: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Solid, short, typical three minute Raw match. We even get Cole busting out with a "Controlled Frenzy" reference. End match though Sheamus hits two Blarney Boots and a his nameless crucifix powerbomb on Kofi in what's sure to turn out as a Hate Crime. Oh yeah he get's the pinfall too. Remember when Kofi was getting that big push? Neither do I. Afterward Sheamus addresses the fact he took out the pathetic Triple H last week. He also said that HBK was smart to get outta of the WWE before he got destroyed by him, and that Triple H would be wise to do the same. Out comes Triple H, and grabs a Sledgehammer. He uses it to block another steel pipe shot, and then destroys a monitor instead of Sheamus' face.
Eve Torres-Day won the Dress to Impress Divas Battle Royal to become No.1 Contender for the Divas Championship: 3/10 of 1.5/5 Stars
Maryse, the champ, was on commentary as Eve, The Bellas, Kim, Fox, Mendez, Kelly, Lea, and Jillian battled it out in the match. Jillian and Alicia were the last to left with Eve so naturally they worked together, only to be thwarted by Eve and she wins by eliminating Jillian last. Yeah, my favorite Diva for the past couple years gets an actual No.1 contenders match this time around. What happened to both The Bellas getting title shot? I guess it didn't pan out. Fine by me and the top two Raw divas should have a solid title match.
ShowMiz (Unified Tag Team Champions) beat John Cena/Batista in a tag team match for the Unified Tag Team Championship via count-out: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Batista doesn't wanna be there and about three minutes in we see why. Cena was going it alone against the tandem of Miz and Big Show. He counters Miz' clothesline in the corner and goes to tag in Batista, but he leaves. Cena follows him up the ramp and beats on him (no homo) to try and get him back to the ring to no avail. And as all this is going on the ref counts Cena out and ShowMiz retains. Mr. Google Me s and announces that the match is not going to end like that. So later tonight ShowMiz is defending the titles again but this time it'll be against Cena and the guest host himself David Otunga. Shocker.
Ted DiBiase (Million Dollar Champion) beat Christian in a singles match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
They got five-six minutes, and it felt longer to me. They had a very fast pace though and could've been a nice ten minute match but I'm sure RAW said "Have it over in 5." End match Christian goes for Killswitch, Ted counters and goes for Dream Street, Christian counters it but gets thrown into the ring-post, which finally lets Ted hit Dream Street for the win. I assume the rubber match will be next week or at Extreme Rules. I like them in-ring, they just more time to get me into the match.
Randy Orton beat "Mr. Champion Lisp" Jack Swagger (World Heavyweight Champion) in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
I really liked this match, and it think since coming to Raw, ironically, this was his best match. Orton is massive over with the crowd. I'm glad some other than Cena, you know someone that wrestle, can get a massive pop like he gets. Swagger get's a lot of offense in including two of those nice running splashes. End match Swagger goes for his Gut-wrench powerbomb, Orton slips out the back and hits an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE and gets the 1-2-3.
ShowMiz (Unified Tag Team Champions) beat John Cena/David "Google Me" Otunga in a tag team match for the Unified Tag Team Championship: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
We have a pretty much identical predicament as earlier. Cena get's worked over by Miz and Show as usual. Miz hits the clothesline in the corner this time. I like that move for some reason. Anywho end match, Cena is crawling to tag in Otunga, but as he gets there he gets double-crossed and Otunga leaves ringside. :O Cena turns around and gets KNOCKED THE F*** OUT and ShowMiz wins twice in one night. Awesome.
Batista, Phil (his nose-ring), and his spotlight hit the ring and give Cena some more punishment with a Batista Bomb. And we end the show with Batista standing over Cena after we learn that Batista is invoking his rematch clause at Extreme Rules and it'll be in a Last Man Standing match. Brutal, especially considering no more chair shots to the head or blood in the WWE.
Raw: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
Last week: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars (Unofficial FJ Rating)
I liked it this week, not too many skits, Otunga is a great talker, Cena lost twice, ShowMiz won twice, Eve Torres-Day is the No.1 Contender for the Divas title, Christian and Teddy had a nice little match and I enjoyed Swagger/Orton a lot. Now if we can cut out non-needed talking and give the 5-10 extra minutes to matches throughout the night we'll have good Raw each week. Too bad the Raw Writing Team will never allow that.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples!
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