No intro this week. Cause just like Batista does in the opening segment, it gave up on me this week. Let's lay down some mortar, and make a Raw brick wall.
We start with a recap of the "I Quit" between Super-Cena and Bothchtistariod last night where Cena Supermaned up after almost getting hit by car and then made Crippledtista say "I Quit." He says he's gonna sue Cena, WWE, and all the Cena-fans. Epic. Vintage Jonn Lena reference! CURVE BALL! Bret is the new GM of Raw! Canada is going nuts right now! He tells Batista has a match against Orton for a spot in the Fatal Four Way match. Batista refuses and Bret declares the injured Orton is the winner. Batista then flips out, quits, and more Vintage PG-WWE Censorship hits as Batista yells kiss his ass as he's wheeled up the ramp.
Sheamus vs Mark Henry in a WWE Championship Match Qualifier for the Fatal Four Way PPV: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
We have the Kool-Aid Man vs The Pale White Yonder in whats sure to be a contender for match of the year. End match sheamus runs into a wall. Mark Henry then splashes him for a two. Sheamus sidesteps a Stinger Splash and climbs to the top rope. Mark Henry looks like he's gonna press slam him, but he shoulder gives out. But Sheamus hits a Blarney Boot @ 8:26 CDT for the win! My Lord Sheamus made it, who would've though it after the end of last night.
We have Jon Lovitz in the back trying to get 10% of the company from Vince when Maryse "This Cleveage Shouldn't Be Happening in PG-WWE" and they have a little banter. Lovitz is teaching Santino 'The Fast Freak Fiber Twitch Jugular Pinch.' They go on for a bit more and we cut to Bret and Edge. Edge says he should get a 1-on-1 match cause he deserves it. Jericho comes in and says the same thing. Bret makes a triple threat between Edge/Y2J/Cena. If one of the two wins their in, but if Cena wins their both out. Edge says he's a better Canadian and champ than the two. Y2J then tells Bret not to get on his bad side as GM.
Maryse/Alicia "The Black One" Fox vs Eve Torres-Day/Gail Kim in a divas tag team match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
End match Eve hit/misses two dropkicks, and hits that nice standing moonsault. A. Fox breaks it up at two, and then gives Eve a huge boot, and Maryse hits the French Kiss DDT for the 1-2-3. All the while Gail standing on her side of the ring. So much for the divas being "Sexy. SMART. And Powerful."
One half of the infamous team Jiz, The Miz is in a match with the master of US Cities, "Mr. Narcissistic", R-Truth are in a singles match for the United States Championship? Really? Truth? Why not DiBiase? Oh wait WWE fears heel v heel no matter how good the match could be. How about Evan Bourne/Miz. No that can't happen cause he's still a Raw jobber.
R-Truth beat The Miz in a singles match for the vacant United States Championship: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
We're in Toledo, Ohio tonight, thanks for telling me Truth. The Miz comes out and tells R-Truth his version of the Truth. After a roll-up for a two by Truth, Miz rolls out to ringside as we cut to commercial. Haha Truth botched a plancha over the top rope during the commercial. End match Truth hits an inverted Russian leg sweep in Miz for a two. Truth goes for a flying cross-body but rolls through and Miz gets a two. Miz hits a neck breaker and Truth puts on a backslide for a two. Another rolls up that Miz kicks out of. Then Truth goes for a Scissors Kick, Miz pushes off, and Truth hits the Lie Detector (OUTTA NOWHERE), and we have a new, new United States Champion.
We have a promo, which is chalk full of "What?" and a gradual normal talking to yelling, where Cena tells his "C-Nation" (Yay you got a Twitter, we know) that he will take out anyone that even looks like a threat. ARGHHHH!
We have Jon Loviz come out with King making bad jokes, and a Bella Whoe on each arm. My Lord what would we do without the Bella Twins. Haha their judges now? Now they're superstars, whores, body guards, and now judges. We have Kaluber and Rujin-w/e sang something horrid out first. Cue a bad Rosie O'Donnell joke. Jillian gets the "Meg" treatment. Oh look it's Random Joe, and he can mutilate his body....I guess this is Jackass errr Jackbutt. Lame fake eye thing from the dude, and DiBiase and Virgil come out and stop the madness/want to buy the eye. Santino comes out and says Vigill and DiBisake need to stop. He takes out Virigl with the Jugular Pinch, but it didn't work on DiBisake as he gives him the Dream Street as we go to commercial.
The Hart Dynasty w/Natalya's Breasts (Unified Tag Team Champions) vs William Regal/Vladimir Kozlof in a tag team match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
You typical 2-minute special on Raw. THD got the pin on Regal after the Heart Attack a bit into the match. But two dudes and a gal came out, blasted THD, and then gave a triple frog splash to the champs. For once I don't know what the f***s going on.
We have Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews is with the NXT rookies and they pick whose going to go. They all pick Heath Slater and I gotta concur. They cut to Cole who already looks pissy, and King shows us the Bryan/Cole interaction for last week. It's still epic. Cole is even more pissy when they go live. He says he's suffered physical and mental trauma (HAHA), and that he and his attorneys have been meeting. So tomorrow night, he'll call Daniel Bryan out to publicly apologize to him. If he refuses, then Cole will sue him for all he's worth. They are keeping me interested in the waining weeks of NXT. Cut to Edge/Y2J in the back and Edge says he might not even pin Cena, he might just go for Y2J!
Edge beat Chris Jericho/John Cena (WWE Champion) in a triple Threat match for the last spot in the WWE Championship Fatal Four Way Match: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
No big surprise that Cenas not even selling the fact that he was in that grueling "I Quit" match last night. Edge comes out to a decent pop, and Y2J gets his great heel heat as usual. Cena throws both of them out of the ring within two minutes at we go to commercial with Cena looking fresh as a daisy. SELL MOVES AND MATCHES MY GOD! VINTAGE Cena @9:58 CDT! End match we have Cena with an STF on Edge while the Walls are on Cena. Edge gets out, and the gets the wall on him. Cena breaks it up and tried for an Attitude Adjustment on Y2J, but got speared by Edge the Codebreaker'd by Y2J. Then Edge speared Y2J to take the last spot. Sheamus came out and everyone stared gayly at each other. Viper at @10:02 CDT! Then the voice wanted to stare into the fray and told Orton to go out. As usual Randy obliges them and they all have a starefest to close out Raw.
Raw: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
Last Week: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars (Unofficial Fat Jesus Rating)
Not a bad, Raw. Not a great one like last week, but I didn't feel bored or dragged down. Even with the hit and miss Lovitz segment. Cena/Edge/Y2J to close the show was actually given time and was good. Truth/Miz was about 10 minutes and didn't even include Truth's cartwheel and had nice back and forth action. Cole is still annoying a hell on the mic, but his segment tomorrow on NXT should be gold. The rest of you matches was whats on a normal Raw. Not great, not terrible, good promos, and enjoyment of The B-Show as of late by me. Oh yeah, DUCT TAPE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Farewell 2010 heel Batista, you were GREAT on the mic.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples
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