So I like Pokemon, who doesn't. We've all been playing the games for like 50 years now, so last year I decided to do a walkthrough when I played through my Red version. It got really popular over on RateYourMusic.com and I thought I'd post it over here in my blog. It's got quite a lot of cursing, crudeness, and just all around foulness, yet's it's funny as hell if I do say so myself. So anywho, here's parts 1-5.
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Gym 1: Brock (In Pewter City)
Charmander, Lvl13
Pidgey, Lvl13
Nidoran (Male), Lvl12
Metapod, Lvl7
Kakuna, Lvl6
Pikachu, Lvl3
So I say f*** writing about my home town so I'll start here. I was glad to get out of that s***-hole and on my way. Anywho I picked Charmander cause the other two are clearly b***h Pokemon. Beat my f'ing rival Gary and stormed to Viridan city where I become a delivery boy. Oh well the old man gave me an iPod PokeDex app for free so cool. Nothing to do in Viridan, but have an old man teach me how to catch a Pokemon, old f***-nuts. Killed Gary again, swiftly and quietly with my wrath. Still raging I f'ing tear down everyone in the Forest and catch a damn Pikachu, can't wait to f*** Misty in her ass with him. Finally I get to Pewter City and destroy Brock. Yeah with a Pidgey and Charmander..lol he's a joke.
Off to Mt. Moon next, I hate climbing and the inevitable rabies shots I'll have to get due to Zubat bites.
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Mt. Moon, Team Rocket
Charmeleon, Lvl16
Pidgey, Lvl14
Pikachu, Lvl14
Nidoran (Male), Lvl13
Metapod, Lvl9
Jigglypuff, Lvl5
Why the hell do they build so many damn roads through mountains, and multiple levels through caves and s***. Holy hell a channel around Seafoam would make the builder a fortune, especially with a $1 toll to go through, or a road over the mountain instead of through it where I hear at least 50 works have died due to f***ing collapses. Anywho, f*** this cave and all the damn Zubats that Leech Life my Pokemon. Good thing Pikachu take out those little s***-f***s without batting an eyelash and the hot chicks I copped a feel from near the entrance. Yeah their real. ;)
So this is the first big Team Rocket meeting, and they were all sucking each other off till I walked in. Then they're on high alert all of the sudden cause of fossils? WTF? I can go to a creek bed and find better fossils than the ones Team "Red" Rocket were after. Anywho Charmeleon took out the Ratatatatatatata-s*** I can't stop, and Raticates, while my whole team ripped the nerdy selfish-f*** a new a**-hole. Then I leave, I hate f***ing caves.
Off to get my camera phone ready for Misty. I hear during battles, her tits pop out of her bikini top sometimes. I'm so masturbating to those pics the rest of my trip.
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Gym 2: Misty (In Cerulean City)
Charmeleon, Lvl18
Pikachu, Lvl18
Butterfree, Lvl18
Nidorino, Lvl16
Pidgey, Lvl14
Clefairy, Lvl9
Mt. Moon and Team Rocket grunt-f***s are behind me. So I enter Cerulean City. The home of the Denver Nugget Bridge, a Harley-Davidson bike shop, Bill Gates, and hot Pokemon battles in skimpy bikini's filmed by Joe Francis. Anywho, I go kick the wannabe's a**es on nugget bridge and claim my $5000 for the hunk of gold awesome-ness. Then I go see Bill who-HOLY F***, HE'S A DAMN RYHORN! I help he get out of his predicament by pushing a button, yeah I'm the man. I return he gives a cruise ticket. F*** yeah! *plays "I'm On A Boat"*
Now that my Pokemon are nice and strong I got to meet Misty and Joe at the gy-err..umm..renamed to Ultimate Bikini Sex Gym. Anywho amidst Joe yelling at Pikachu to hit Misty's bikini with the thundershock, and Misty using X Attacks on the Patrick Star Bros. I beat her and hum, "do dodododo dodo do" as I take the bag and pay for my GGW subscription.
Now off to party with some b****es on a party cruise!
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SS Anne
Charmeleon, Lvl21
Pikachu, Lvl21
Butterfree, Lvl19
Nidorino, Lvl18
Pidgeotto, Lvl18
Clefairy, Lvl18
I finally make it to the ship, and yelled "PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" as I boarded. Needless to say I was prepared for any woman with my 25-pack of condoms holstered to my belt alongside my Pokeballs. As I barg from room to room I find people don't like it when you bust into the rooms without knocking. Also the hot girls don't like it when you assume they want to give you a BJ after each victory. Anywho I beat the hell outta everyone on the boat who owned a Pokemon. Then out strolls Gary from the captains room, so I make a homosexual joke and then beat his a**. Upon walking in to see the captain I see he's puking and crying on the floor. "Holy Gay Pride Parade on a stick, they really did DO it!" As I rub the captains back I swipe the HM and tell him it'll all be ok. It won't, last I heard Gary had raging episodes of herpies.
Then I get off the ship to smoke a cig, and the f***er leaves. Whata a gip! I'm going to get a refund of Bills ticket price and keep the money. HAHAHAHA!
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Gym 3: Lt. Surge (In Vermilion City)
Charmeleon, Lvl23
Pikachu, Lvl21
Butterfree, Lvl19
Clefairy, Lvl19
Nidorino, Lvl18
Pidgeotto, Lvl18
So I go arm my Oddish, you know that little weed-like piece of f*** Pokemon, hahaha, with Cut so I can go demolish and give the gym a power surge. See what I did thar? Anywho, this f***-tard has me digging through his garbage littered with tampons, condom wrappers, Burger King bags, and body parts. That's right, I didn't know I was holding a finger till I saw bone and a ring. S*** was nasty. Not to mention on the speaker playing in the gym was s***. I mean it was Lt. Surge talking about his old war days in Vietnam or some f***ed up post-pardom s*** like that. So I finally find both switches under a used Trojan and then under a prostitute's receipt. So I walk in and he asks me if I've known any Koreans. I said no. In response he said if I had, he would've shot me. Dude is f***in' looney. And not the good Bugs Bunny looney either.
Moving on I beat his a** fairly easily. Actually all I did was bring out Charmeleon and as I did a car backfired outside, and he threw the badge at me, and told me to get the f*** outta there cause Kim Jong Eil was finally striking back.
I look on my map as I walk out...f*** me, another goddamn tunnel is next.
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Well there's parts 1-5, I hope you all enjoyed the funny, terrible, foul things I had to say. There's another whopping 18 parts in this horrible journey, so stay tuned for more of me cursing too much cause I can.
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook. Cause the more friends/followers I get the bigger my e-penis grows.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples
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