So I like Pokemon, who doesn't. We've all been playing the games for like 50 years now, so last year I decided to do a walkthrough when I played through my Red version. It got really popular over on RateYourMusic.com and I thought I'd post it over here in my blog. It's got quite a lot of cursing, crudeness, and just all around foulness, yet it's funny as hell if I do say so myself. So anywho, here's parts 6-10.
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Rock Tunnel
Charmeleon, Lvl26
Clefairy, Lvl23
Pikachu, Lvl23
Butterfree, Lvl21
Nidorino, Lvl21
Kadabra, Lvl21
On Hold, teaching it Fly when the time comes.
Pidgeotto, Lvl21
Ahh, the Rock Tunnel, the old nickname of my penis and the pitch blackness that any pedophile or rapist would dream of doing their thing in. Well as I fell around the damn walls all the super humn f***s challenge me cause they can see in the dark, that or they sold their should to the devil for nightvison eyes. Dumb f***s could have sold it for unlimited powers and used the power to take over the f***ing world, get rich and have night vision. D***-s***s. Any amidst the hiker and their dumb-a** suicidal Gravlers and Geodudes, and those f***ing smart a** nerd with their Slowpokes and Cubes I blow through them like that same nerd entering a woman's vagina for the first time. Oh yeah did I mention that those god forsaken Zubats are back, I pull out my sawed off shot-gun I "claimed" at the Pokemon center and blew off a few of their head and used them as torch-tops to light my way through the rest of the cave. And as I emerge from the tunnel I see a policeman fly by me chasing after a pedophile and thought to myself, "See I knew it was a haven for little boy and girl lovers."
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Game Corner Basement, Team Rocket (In Celadon City)
Charmeleon, Lvl28
Kadabra, Lvl27
Clefairy, Lvl25
Pikachu, Lvl25
Butterfree, Lvl24
Nidorino, Lvl24
Ah gambling, we're always guaranteed to win, but never in excess or to make back what we wasted away. Damn those Indians and their reservations, what the f*** did we ever do to those feather wearing tan bastards? Nothing I tell you and as I walk around picking up coins off the floor and swiping them from old peoples cup I notice a Team Rocket F*** in front of a Celine Dion poster so I decide to f*** with him on his musical tastes. After verbally raping him he runs off and I rip the poster in half to find a secret switch. Not even in a safe or locked by a key pad. Dumb-f***-nuts. So I walk downstairs and kick rocket a**, all while that b***h Celine Dion is playing over the speakers F***ing A** C***s! Then I get to pads that make me spin worse than a f***ed up merry-go-round, just to get an elevator key to take me down to the bottom floor. F*** modern spinning technology. I finally get to the bottom floor and meet the menacing Giovannia aka The Situation. Yeah he's that same douche-f*** from The Veal World. So I beat his a** very easily, no homo, get the Silph Scope so I can f*** up some ghosts when I hit Lavender town for Gothic prostitutes and to visit the Pokemon Tower where the f***-tard who can't keep their Pokemon alive bury them.
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Gym 4: Erika (In Celadon City)
Charmeleon, Lvl31
Kadabra, Lvl28
Clefairy, Lvl26
Pikachu, Lvl25
Nidorino, Lvl24
Butterfree, Lvl24
Pidgeotto, Lvl21
As I walk up the the gym, in which I have to use Cut to get to, f***ing c***, I see an old man peeping in at the all girls in the gym. As I think "WTF?" I notice a little blue pill in his hands and think to myself some more, "Holy f***, he's going to rape the little girls in the gym. Better hurry as not to be accused of being and accomplice." So I stroll in and kick some b***h a** cause I f***ing have a Charmeleon, dumb whores thinking they can beat me, I laugh in their faces! Finally after I utterly destroy and burn every little underling trainer I set my sights on the "Hot Hippie I'd Like To F***" Gym Leader Ericka! I placed a little a wager with her tired a** before the battle. It said that if I win I get the TM/Badge as normal, but I also get to video tape us having sex so I can sell it online. If she wins I have to deliver a 18-wheeler load of weed to Vermillion City. So the battle starts and I let Charmeleon make a warm salad out of her three s***ty grass Pokemon as I unzip my pants and pull out my camcorder. This will be the best gym ever as I f***ed Erika for 15 minutes, got it on tape, and got the TM and badge. I told her I'd call her, but it's never gonna happen. Aren't I just the worst?
As I leave to head back to Gothicville aka Lavander Town I tell the old man, "All yours", and the horny old freak rushed the gym. I'll be hearing about this soon enough.
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Pokemon Tower, Team Rocket (In Lavender Town)
As the good old ghost filled, Saw-like, Amityville Poketower. My Lord it's filled with nut witches and year round trick or treaters. It's a Medium or pedophiles dream tower. Anywho (already has the Silph Scope) I encounter Ghastlys, Haunters and the occasional Cubebones and tear through them all as always. I also go Sam Rami on all the f***ing trainer asses, and even Gary, who came out from behind a Tombstone with one of the male trainers. I kicked his a**, and even his tiny boner stayed at attention...granted it was a quick battle. I continue to the top, I help a Marowack to the after life (+1 Jesus Point) and then save an old man from the dreaded, I use the term loosely, Team Rocket, as I f*** all their s****y teams up. I put the old man on his Rascal, and help him back to his house. He gave me a Pokeflute, now I can move to fat f***ing Snorlaxes outta my way, and relax all my sexual partners before the deed. Did I just say that?
Charmeleon, Lvl32
Kadabra, Lvl29
Clefairy, Lvl26
Pikachu, Lvl26
Nidorino, Lvl26
Pidgeotto, Lvl25
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Fighting Dojo (In Saffron City)
Charmeleon, Lvl33
Kadabra, Lvl30
Clefairy, Lvl26
Pikachu, Lvl26
Nidorino, Lvl26
Pidgeotto, Lvl25
Dear Lord it's like Ralph Machio and Jackie Chan projectile vomited onto the inside of this half-a**ed excuse for a gym. And since they're not giving out badges, shouldn't the Pokemon League take legal action for trying to convince me this is a real gym? Whatever the matter, me leading with Kadbra was more than enough to mind-f*** everyone in the gym and their steroid riddled husbands and adopted babies at home. Then the leader, who is f***ing terrible, gives me the run around and says I can only take one Pokemon? Of course I'm choosing Hitmonlee. Cause Bruce Lee > Jackie Chan any day of the week. Especially with terrible blockbusters like The Spy Next Door being bombarded as a rip roaring good time by some no name film critic from Nebraska. It's not a "rip roaring good time", it's a "make me wanna rip my a**hole open and pull out my colon" s***ty time. Thanks for making me relive The Forbidden Kingdom and Shanghai Knights you f***ers. Time to go kick a** at a real gym.
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Well there's parts 6-10, I hope you all enjoyed the funny, terrible, foul things I had to say. There's another whopping 13 parts in this horrible journey, so stay tuned for more of me cursing too much cause I can.
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook. Cause the more friends/followers I get the bigger my e-penis grows.
http://www.facebook.com/matthewmday
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples
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