Nicki Minaj- Pink Friday [A Fat Jesus Album Review]

3.5? He's gone mad! Nicki? The Barbie bitch? Young Money? A worthwhile pop-rap album?

All these questions and more....ahh fuck it. Nicki is not only crazy but spastic, and I'm just talking about her flow. Like everyone on Young Money, we start out with "I'm the Best" about, surprise, how she's the best. How's it possible? Does everyone there get a trophy like in little leagues? I'm going off track again.* Jump right into "Romans Revenge", arguably the best song on the album where Nicki and Eminem spaz the fuck out as their alter egos Slim Shady and Flight Attendant Barb-errr Roman Zolanski. Dungeons and Dragons, peeing on hookers with big fake tits all wrapped up in crazy raps by the two over a melodic old school NES or SNES beat. Mad props. Did I mention Lil Kim thinks it's a diss track towards her? Who's Lil Kim? Exactly. Next noteworthy track is one of her singles, "Right Thru Me", she keeps it mild and shows she actually can sing, that's a plus. "Fly" featuring Rihanna is another good one with good verses by Nicki and a well sung chorus. "Moment 4 Life" has a nice beat and a crazy fast flow from Nicki, and I would've liked it until, DUN DUN DUN, Drake came on. Not that he didn't have a good verse but dick riding Lil Wanye after you've already put out your first solo album is unnecessary at this point IMO. I'm ranting again, I digress. "Check It Out" with will.i.am is the best track...haha God no, this is my least favorite and probably worst track. And I liked "The E.N.D." *Someone boos* I know, I hang my head in shame. Then we hit "Blazin" featuring Kanye West. The guy who just revolutionized a hip-hop album's style and production with album of the year candidate "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy". I gave it 5/5 and it's my album of the year as an FYI. Gotta love cheap plugs. *Smiles into the camera, grins, and holds two thumbs up* And boy "Blazin" is on point. Nicki's on fire (no pun intended) and Kanye goes off with a long crazy ass verse much like Nicki did on Kanye's "Monster". Probably my favorite track and I'd say best track on the album. There's a mediocre track before "Dear Old Nicki". It's the last track I'm touching on, soulful lyrics, good sounding voice where Nicki writes a letter to her old self. There's a couple more mediocre songs to close out, not horrible, but forgetful.

*Now unless I single a track out it's average....I'm not saying bad, AVERAGE.

Back to the questions from the beginning. *Crickets chirp* Fine fine, I'll move on. Overall I liked the album. Hadn't given much, if any listens to her before this. "Monster", "Roman's Revenge", and "Right Thru Me" got me a little hopeful that this wouldn't be a complete train wreck and it wasn't. I like 6 and a half ("Moment 4 Life" is good BUT THAT DRAKE VERSE) out of 13 songs. While all the other songs are mostly filler, they provided good back ground beats for me Twittering or Facebooking or whatever I was doing and hour ago while listening. Production was good, the beats were good for the most part. Love Swizz Beatz beat on "Roman's Revenge" and wanna give props to production on "Fly", "Blazin", and "Dear Old Nicki". Rapping was good, crazy good, but and other times sloppy and not fun to listen to. Production on a lot of the songs were mediocre, so if they had good verses or choruses by Nicki, and the beats were meh, I probably didn't care for it. The bad guests were obviously wil.i.am., and to an extent Drake (THAT VERSE ARGHHH). I'm surprised there were only 6 guests, compared to Drake's 50 on "Thank Me Later" (Cheap shot) and the normal, I'd say 10 or so, on a normal rap album. And only two of them rapping so it was Nickie the whole way through, and I'm surprised Lil Wanye didn't make a track as well. BUT Nicki on point is a great listen. As mentioned in the go over, Eminem, Kanye, and Rihanna shine as the best features. Can I hate on Drake for that verse a little more? ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS LEAVE ONE LINE OUT! Overall a fun pop-rap listen and surprisingly one of my favorites of the year.

Best Track(s):
Roman's Revenge
Blazin

Worst Track:
Check It Out

Best line, Kanye West from "Blazin":
Ugh, yea, ugh this is the moment grab your Kodak
While I’m flying with a flow that is the greatest throwback since that Nolan Ryan
And the days been crazy and the nights even wilder
And the lights even brighter, baby stand next to my fire
Only higher is Messiah or notes from Mariah
‘rari six hundred horses, that’s my chariot of fire?
Where we flying, they can’t find us all them broke days behind us
I just took your whole life and redesigned it
I think I’m Marc Jacobs, I think I’m Lagerfeld
I think without makeup, you still bad as hell
Imma grab your waist then, imma grab your face and
Then imma taste it, then imma blaze it
Hello all my bad girls, this just in Yeezy hurt the beat
Like he fucked her best friend and she let him back in
And he just did it again, He crazy, he blazin, he off the deep end
I’m blazin’ I’m flagrant, Im crazy I’m saying
Too much for the World so they Abbreviate him
His past is a phase, his stats is amaze
Her dress is just per’ uhh
Prada coloured babes
It obvi’ we the ishh and I’m rolling with my bricks
So real you so trill. baby everything legit
How you feel, they say we crazed cause our styles so diff’
They be jail when we in the mag looking magnif’
As if I aint used Magnums on your favorite bad bitch
Fuck these background niggas I was tryna adlib
Add this, we blazin’
Nicki what you think, I got two White Russians but we also need some drinks
Ah hahahaha

Fat Jesus Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars

The Chill Song

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

Yeah, I keep it chill twenty four seven
Like 7-11, you can thank the heavens
Or just grab a Slurpee
Avoid prostitutes cause they got herpes
A wealth of common sense is what I am
Like Sam I Am, I'd like green eggs and ham
Reverse this, Shlomi Vince is Wowsham
The first shot to the hooker sounded like BAM!
Oh hitting women if off limits
It's ok, Eminem already did it
In a song people, too laid back to diss
Sit on toilets cause I'm too lazy to stand n piss
Hopefully you get this jist
But no need to get pissed
Act like you just got kissed, no homo
Need a replay of that in super slow-mo

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

Verse 2, in case you lost track
Of what's been going on on this track
I try to never talk smack
Cause my talking smack usually lacks
But I do keep my facts
Straight, like a man in a room full of racks
Like schools are full of back packs
Or a mom's purse is filled with snacks
My lines and flow never relax
I never make errors, don't call me syntax
I don't have a gun, so I don't shoot up
And I don't shoot up, cause I'm not on crack
Means if I had a gun I'd shoot up crack
Most of ya'll thinking these lines is whack
I'd be lyin if I said "I'm countin' them stacks"
But this is the chill song so just chillax

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

One more verse for the ladies slow dancing
And all the people out there romancing
Even if you hot I'll never be glancing
Cause every other time they said stop harassing
That's a joke so I hope you're all laughing
Hopefully you'll never catch me bragging
Or catch me drunk and staggering
And in the tabloid magazine
Cause I was causing a scene
But I digress, I'm calming down
So upside down you can turn that frown
This song is for ridin' around in town
But don't pack yourselves in one car like a clown
Uncovered in the flat, watch me score that touchdown
The crowd cheering for me like ya'll cheerin' for me now
Imma end this last verse by just saying ciao

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

This is the chill song
Take a load off
This is the chill song
Take off them socks
This is the chill song
Crack open a cold one
This is the chill song
We goin' mellow out son
This is the chill song

The Smackdown Lowdown 10/22/10

It's time, it's time, IT'S FAT JESUS TIME! And the Smackdown Lowdown is back after a month hiatus. Smackdown has gone from MyNettwork TV to SyFy, we've lost Christan to injury, and Matt Hardy to schizophrenia. But all is well as Smackdown is heading into Bragging Rights with a huge head of steam after RAW Monday. Will Smackdown keep the momentum, with Cole be a dick, will Vickie take her top off? All the questions will be answered and more on Smackdown, and I'll be there to recap it below. Now let's get the lowdown on Smackdown!

We start Smackdown with Team RAW, Team Smackdown, and "Buckle Up" Teddy in the ring. He informs us that Teddy won't be making the matches, but the superstars will. The Miz says that team RAW is giving Smackdown a rating boost just by being there. Miz goes onto say it will be The Miz, "The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus, and my man Ezekiel Jackson on a six man tag match against Big Show, "Mr. Identity Confused" Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio. Edge then says he wants onoe one one match with CM Punk. Morrison then grabs the mic and says he wants the former Menuto member, Alberto Del Rio. Finally Jack Swagger says he wants the uni-brow toting him self Santino. Why is Tyler Reks not in a match? Oh yeah, R-Truth is banned from Canada.

Big Show/Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterio beat The Miz/Sheamus/Ezekiel Jackson in a 3-on-3 tag team match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Before the match Cole is pissed about not being introduced, I'm pissed Cole was ever born. I love how Kofi Kingston is wearing all red...I thought he was on Team Smackdown. I'm thinking again. In our first obligated, "out to the floor let's have a commercial break," Rey gives Sheamus a seated senton. Do the announcers call it? Naw they're bickering about Fantasy Football. Haha a "Vickie Guerrero ate my sign" sign. End match Kofi gets the hot tag to Big Show. He takes out Miz and Sheamus with backbody drops. Big Zeke tries to take out Rey, but Big Show stops him with a big boot. Miz rushes Big Show and gets a chokeslam for his troubles. Rey gets tagged in and he lets Rey do a splash of his shoulders onto Miz for the 1-2-3. After the match Cole bitches, we get a "Controlled Frenzy" from Cole @7:17 CDT and Smackdown rejoices.

They plug the Champion vs Champion match later tonight between Randy Orton and Kane. Should be a technical free for all.

Did I know? Cena was the first to join Michael Jordan at the top of Make a Wish? No, but nor do I care either.

They give us a flashback package to Hell in a Cell where Husky/Miglicutty (The hell if I know how to spell his name) cost Cena the match and Cole has a brain aneurysm at Cena joining Nexus. And I quote @7:25 CDT! They then show flashbacks of the last couple RAW were Barrett has been yelling at Cena, taunting him, and making him do his bidding, etc. They cut to last week where Orton/Cena won and afterward Barrett ordered Cena out of the ring and Nexus gave a beat down to poor old Orton. I cried...no I didn't.

"Goofy Smile" Josh Matthews is in the back with special guests, but there's no need to label them special, the Intercontinental Champ Dolph Ziggler and "The Emo Whale" Vickie Guerrero. They show what happened on RAW where Daniel Bryan, the United States Champion, challenged Dolph to the IC champ vs US champ match, aka The LeBelle Lock vs The Sleeper. Then Ziggler has some bad sports analogy saying he's gonna crush Bryan at the end.

Jack Swagger "The First Ever Lisp World Champ" w/The Swagger Soaring Eagle beat Santino in a singles match via tapout: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Oh baby! We got a show now, cause The All American American American American American Jack Swagger and the Swagger Soaring Eagle are here! Hey look Teddy Longs reffing this match, double duty tonight I see. Santino badly goes for a waist-lock takedown and Swagger owns him with a belly to belly take down. Hornswoggle comes out and hinders his own team from cheating...there's logic again. The Cobra hits the Eagle, then a tadpole splash! End match in the ring Santino hits a series of punches and a hip toss and hits Swagger with The People's Headbutt for a two count. Santino gets drop toe held into the Swagger Lock and Santino taps out. Afterward Hornswoggle scares Cole and Swagger makes sure the Swagger Soaring Eagle ok.

OH OHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Grooming tips time with "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. This week he's sick of dry, cracked lips. Cody shows us how to put lip balm on and even goes as far to put lip gloss on over night to help the process. This man is a prodigy.

Alberto Del Rio beat John Morrison in a singles match via tapout: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
The personal ring announcer, exquisite cars, the fireworks, the smile, and the in-ring talent. Alberto Delllllll Rio is one helluva pick up by WWE. I love this guy. And Morrison is no slouch either, but his move over to RAW killed every ounce of awesomeness of his 2009 JoMo run on Smackdown. End match Cole calls a back heel kick a flash kick that Morrison hits on Del Rio for a two. Cole's a dumbass. Del Rio gets a quick two on Morrison. Del Rio then misses a step-up insiguri in the corner and Morrison goes for Starship pain. Del Rio get's his knees up and Morrison landed on his arm. Del Rio get's up and slaps on the corkscrew into the arm bar, and Morrison taps out. Decent match, wish Morrison was on Smackdown still so we could have more of this.

WWE Rewind is Big Show and Edge winning the impromptu battle royal Monday on RAW.

Edge beat CM Punk in singles match via DQ: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
These two are probably my two favorite stars in the WWE now, now that Shawn is retired, and Jericho is on hiatus. It could be a great match if they get 10 minutes. Cole you moron, you don't even know that that's a waist-lock takedown *rubs eyes* Mid-way through Edge hits a jawbreaker on Punk. Then Edge follows up with a big boot and calls for the spear. Punk ducks it and Edge bounces of the ropes, and Punk gets a two count off it. Both men take their time, and Punk throws a shoulder block. He then stomps on Edges hand and covers him for another two. Edge countered another shoulder block into a swinging neckbreaker. Punk takes control by hanging Edge up on the top rope. Edge falls to the floor, and low and behold we fall to commercial. We're back and Punk has Edge in a waist lock. Edge fights out with elbows, but takes two hard kicks from Punk. Punk hits a gutbuster on Edge for a two count. Punk goes for a springboard clotheslines and Edge counters it into a powerslam! Both men up and they're throwing bombs. Punk starts throwing kicks, Edge then hits a modified bulldog for a long two. Edge goes for Edgecution, Punk counters into the GTS, and Edge counters the counter into the Edge-O-Matic for a two. Punk takes down Edge for a two. Punk then with the running knee lift in the corner, Punk goes for the bulldog but it's countered by Edge into the Edgecution for a long two. Edge goes to the top rope, but Punk cuts him off and Edge landed on his stomach. Punk throws chops and tries a superplex and Edge counters into a facebuster. Edge is sick of this match and sets up for the spear. But Alex Riley and Miz pull Edge out and throws him into the barricade for the DQ

Afterward it's Finisher-fest. Kofi takes out CM Punk with Trouble in Paradise. Miz hits Kofi with the Skull Crushing Finale. Tyler Reks takes out Miz with a torture rack into a DDT. Morrison took out Reks with an around the world DDT. Del Rio takes out Morrison with a step up insiguri in the corner. Big Zeke takes out Del Rio with his spinebuster. Swagger takes out Santino and Big Zeke. Sheamus hits Swagger with the Blarney boot. Big Show takes out Big Zeke with a chokeslam, and Sheamus takes out Big Show with the Blarney Boot. Rey takes out Sheamus with the 619. CM Punk takes out Rey with the GTS and finally Edge wins the Finisher-fest for Smackdown with a spear on CM Punk.

Natalya/Kelly Kelly beat Natalya/Britta Hart in a Divas tag match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
We come back and Lay-Cool is dressed up as Natayla/Jim and Bret Hart. Striker says McCool looks like Otto from the Simpsons haha. Oh no, Kelly Kelly, the fear is now in the hearts of Lay-Cool. End match Natalya hits a one woman STO on Natalya and then hits a double underhook suplex on Natalya for a two. Natalya then takes out Natalya and slaps on the sharpshooter and Natalya taps out. Kelly Kelly did nothing but stand there and wear her semen covered clothes.

Did I know again! ...I don't care this time to even say something witty.

I'm not standing up for WWE. I'll be more than happy to stage a sit-in for those of us in the WWE Universe that don't want to stand up. Also 78% of us are over 18, only 22%, nowhere near majority are under 18. They side with the way smaller 22% and make it PG. Logic abounds!

Randy Orton (WWE Champion) beat Kane (World Heavyweight Champion) w/Paul Bearer in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Cole wants to thank all the men and woman in the armed forces. 6 million women, according to WWE, watch a week. And all of the armed forces only has one woman watching. Amazing. It's not the eve of Bragging Rights either you shit Cole, Saturday is the eve, today is just the Friday before Bragging Rights..oh God. Orton never hits the RKO after he beats his hands on the mat, and the proofs in the tape. Look Kane's playing Pong with Orton's body as we go into commercial! We come back and Orton's in a bear hug from Kane. Orton fights out, but gets blasted by Kane for a long two. Kane throws Orton in the corner and wails on him. Kane ends the onslaught with a hard Irish Whip into the corner. Orton fights back but Kane takes him down again. Kane the drags Orton to the outside and throws Orton into the steel steps. Kane the kicks Orton as he lays over the ring apron. All that gets a two count as Orton kicks out. Kane goes back to the bear hug and Orton fights out again. But after an Irish Whip Orton takes a huge backbreaker from Kane. Kane flys off the top rope and hit the clothesline on Orton for another long two count. And Kane's sick of this match, Orton fights outta the chokeslam and hits Kane with a back elbow in the corner. Orton then hit Kane with two clotheslines and a snap powerslam. Orton then hits a VINTAGE (@8:56 CDT) second rope DDT. Orton calls for the RKO again, but takes a big boot. Kane is about to hit Orton with the chokeslam when the bell tolls and the lights go out. When they come back on, Orton is stalking him and hits the RKO for the win.

After the match Kane stalks ring side looking for Undertaker. The lights go out and the bells tolls. Suddenly outta nowhere Undertaker pops out from hell and drags a struggling Kane down with him! We end Smackdown with Kane and Undertaker down in the black pits of hell!

Smackdown Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: N/R
I really liked Smackdown this week. A lot of in-ring action. I know it's a lot to ask for on a wrestling show, but somehow Smackdown manages to do it. They kept the promos limited, but with the Finisher-fest and the flashbacks to RAW and promos for the buried alive match kept us in tune with what's going on on Sunday. Edge and Punk had a GREAT match, Finisher-fest was awesome, Morrison and Del Rio was decent as was Orton and Kane to end the show. The ending though with Undertaker dragging Kane under the ring, I presume to hell was lame and funny as hell. So all in all good Smackdown and good show leading in the PPV, Bragging Rights, this Sunday.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day, thanks for reading Fat Jesus disciples

Cyhi Da Prynce- Royal Flush (Official Mixtape) [A Fat Jesus Album Review]

Cyhi Da Prynce is new on the 2010 scene, but has been around for awhile. He signed with Kanye West's GOOD Music label and caught my attention from Kanye's GOOD Friday track "So Appalled", and since last Friday, "Take One For the Team." So when I got confirmation that Royal Flush was official I had to get it.

To start off Cyhi's got good flow, good lines/choruses, almost has a KiD CuDi vibe going, and has a good enough singing voice for choruses and such. First track, "Ring Bellz", he samples MLK and then goes into a 3ish minute bar-fest which is good. This is easily the best on the mixtape. The problem throughout the rest of the mixtape is nothing really stands out. It's not bad, like I said he has good lines and choruses, just jumps out at my ears. He goes from slow jam beats, to club beats, to southern beats, etc. He needs to stick to one style IMO. Sure it's a mixtape and he's experimenting with what works best, but this is also why mixtapes can't be rated high and such, or considered masterpieces. It's a good listen regardless, even though a lot of the early going to the middle tracks run together.

Best Tracks:
Ring Bellz
Sideways
So Original
Hero
Chance to Explain
Top of the World
So Appalled (Kanye West ft. Cyhi Da Prynce, Jay-Z, RZA, Pusha T, and Swizz Beatz)

Line of the album, from "Ring Bellz":
"Haters wanna ride on me like Yoshi, cause I got their girl running routes like Stokely"

Runner up, from "Hero":
"9 times outta 10 we die by assassination, so catch a bullet like Patrick Crayton"

Cyhi Da Prynce, under the tutelage now of Kanye, Common, and Pusha T will undoubtedly improve from now onward, and hopefully his first album release will be more cohesive and focused. Also as an FYI I don't rate mixtapes over 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars, so this is one of the mixtapes I really like.

Fat Jesus' Rating for Cyhi Da Prynce- Royal Flush: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars

Commentfest 10/19/10

RIP The Grand Festival of Comments 2009-2010. A moment of silence to an old friend...........how long's it been? (Not yet my friend!)

We all know at the end both teams are gonna come out and beat the crap out of each other...very predictable (He got the beginning right)

Commentfest has been released from TheJohnReport.net. We wish it the best of luck in it's future endeavors. (Insert Matt Hardy joke)

Does that make Fozzie the Vince Russo of Commentfest? (Yes it does)

With apologies to Bill Goldberg, YOU DA MAN, MFJD!!! (Flattery always works on Fat Jesus)

No more commentfest? This makes me as sad as when Cena lost to Barret. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! (Then cut to them crying on screen please)

AND I QUOTE @8:02 CDT!

Michael Cole-1 Commentfest-0 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (More like Commentfest- 857,976|Cole- 1)

Shouldn't Teddy just throw out that piece of paper?

No Swagger Soaring Eagle? This is pure BULLSHIT. (It's the reason we all watch Smackdown)

TEDDY AUTO STAR OF THE NIGHT SHUTTING OFF THE GM

MIZ gets a star for naming all the smurfs

Sweet Son of Shit. Did Cole just warn viewers that the following video would be "disturbing"? God, I want to toss him into a vat of acid. (Creative Cole killing is always amazing)

Are we forgetting that Cole's supposed to be able to get GM emails on his phone? Just checking. (Yes sir.)

So, A-RY replaced R-Truth? (Nope Truth wasn't allowed in Canada, literally...I'm not kidding)

King called Long a "waste of skin." Apparently Michael Hayes has some influence on RAW's announce team as well. (Vintage racism)

I'd trim Natalya's beard...heh heh heh. (Sexual innuendos always make it)

Was that Big Show/Miz promo a commercial for the Cena/Nexus promo? (Shameless pandering at Fat Jesus from Fat Jesus)

John Cena got that water fast than when Chris Benoit took a pee and drank some coffee (Who is this Chris Benoit?)

Ouch.. Hulk Cena you don't wanna fuck with him. I heard one time he kicked out of a 3 count and the person on top fell on the Spanish announcers table. fact or fiction?

Fact, it was at small show down in Tijuana. No one has pictures, but a whole crowd saw it.

"Bret screwed Bret" sign in Calgary. Nice. (We needs a "Vince screwed Linda" sign in Hartford now, works of multiple levels)

Vintage @ 8:58 CDT!

If I was Wade Barret, I'd make Cena do the hokey-pokey in the middle of the ring. Just for lulz. And to prove that that would get more ratings than anything TNA did.

We know why Cena can't help him. But why can't anyone else? Sorry, I've been thinking again. (You are forgiven)

Wendy Slater just gave Orton the "Baconator"!

I thought Cole liked Vickie...wait there he goes. From face to heel in the span of three seconds. Dumb fuck.

LANCE STORM catchphrase FTW!!!

Wow it looks like a hooker convention in the ring (Only thing missing was Ron Jeremy)

Oh no! Watch out, Natalya! You have to face the undefined Diva's champion!

VINTAGE @9:30 CDT!

VINTAGE

DUDEBUSTERS.....FTW......chris master WTF

Wasn't Vince suppose to be out here tonight? (Bret was supposed to be there too. Oh WWE.com you silly goose)

The Flame sighting! LET'S HEAR IT FOR FRIENDSHIP!

I miss Bra and panties matches. There, I said it.

"20 WWE books have reached the NY Times best-seller list" ...with 17 of those being written by Mick Foley.

Cena would no sell that driving off the grand canyon like Junior Seau no sold that driving off a cliff earlier today (Haha)

I thought Gary Coleman died?? (He sells better than Cena in the ring)

PRIMO SIGHTING 10:47 EASTERN

Is Mark Henry still a huge threat even though he's not there? What am I saying? Of course he is.

Is Hornswoggle trying to kiss Cantonia's ass? Cause it's working!

Hornswoggle is better than Mike Tenay

There goes Fesuts...wonder when Matt Hardy's gonna come out to save the da...oh.

Damn.. WWE over.. now to delete 300 emails of fb updates. (We end Commentfest like we started it, saying "Damn"...thanks for posting Ron Simmons)
_____________________________________

It would help if there were more than 4 people posting and we get about 1000 comments like normal. Haha. We only got 400ish tonight, so it was slim pickens for good stuff. So Commentfest lives! Post every one, and I'll get it to John for The Raw Deal Tuesday's.

That's it for this Commentfest. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. I'm trying to get back in the habit of doing Smackdown on Friday and RAW on Monday if you wanna stay at my blog and read those. I do movie, tv, and music reviews occasionally as well. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt "Fat Jesus" Day, and thanks for reading Cantonites and my disciples!

Fat Jesus Books TNAs Main Event Scene

Fat Jesus is about to drop a booking bomb for TNA in regards with Jeff being heel, "They", Anderson and Angle. This is how it should've gone down IMO.

Should've had Jeff win underhandedly without "They" interfering at BFG. Kept "They" secret during Jeff's title run, what two maybe three months, ending with Angle winning it. All the while "They" is on Jeff's side. We know "They" is there, we just don't know who they are. Next Impact they have a No.1 Contenders match between Jeff/Anderson. Anderson will lose to Jeff due to interference. Leading to an immediate rematch, maybe the next Impact, better at the PPV. Angle retains. "They" reveal themselves and turn on Jeff. Anderson helps cause he's sick of playing third fiddle to Hardy/Angle. Anderson's heel. And BAM, Jeff's face again. "They" go on and tag Angle/Jeff in matches with heels sent out by "They", handicap matches, 3 on 1 matches, etc. Anderson beats jobbers and such, and wins a BS tourney or over the top rope battle royal, not even involving Jeff cause someone took him out beforehand. Of course it was Anderson and "They". Jeff still comes out, but is the last to be eliminated by Anderson. Now Anderson gets title match against Angle at the next PPV. He wins, probably in a heel way, and the Asshole Army rejoices.

That's it for this random blog. Been awhile, but who cares no one reads it haha. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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The Smackdown Lowdown 9/3/10

Coming off a terrible, truly horrible 900th RAW we have the best WWE show, Smackdown! In on month it's going to SyFy. For now it's still on networks and killing RAW in every aspect, even with the crappy Undertaker/Kane feud starting. Anywho let's get on with the lowdown on Smackdown.

We open with the recap of the story so far..aka the The Undertaker/Kane fued. They had a formal debate last week on if the Devil likes either of them more.

We start out with Alberto Delllllllllllllllllllllllllll Rio and a huge party is going on in the ring. It's probably to celebrate that he took out Rey last week. Oh look! A nifty recap of last week. He says he proved that Mysterio is weak and a bad model of all Mexicans. He said to him, Rey is like an animal, like a donkey pinata. Del Rio then hits the pinata and a bunch of poor Mexican kids bum rush the ring. Del Rio then demands a glass of champagne and flaunts his riches. Cue Christian to interrupt. He says he wants to introduce himself. He calls him Juan Charles Layfield (I CALLED HIM THIS!) and compared him to Enrique Iglesias. Christian says he didn't come out to eat his s***ty food and marvel his cars. He says he's pissed that he took out Rey, and that he can hit all the pinata's he wants, but it's not the same as taking out Rey. Juan says that Christan wants to end up like Rey. Christian says that he thinks he challenging him to a fight. They circle each other, and then Del Rio backs down. He says they'll be another time and place and that Christian will pay for this. As Del Rio is going up the ramps Drew McIntyre hits Christian from behind and throws him outta the ring, to be taunted by Del Rio.

Christian beat "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre in a singles match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
We see that Drew took out Christian during the break. The ref is asking him if he wants to still fights. He says yes, gets in the ring, and the match starts. End match Drew comes off the top rope and gets to boots from Christian. Christian throws bombs, and kicks. But nice from Drew to catch Drew with one arm and still give him the backbreaker for a long two. On the outside Drew gets leg swept onto the announce table. Christan goes for the Killswitch, but Drew counters it with a nice gut buster. Finally Drew get's taken down into a jack-knife cover for the pinfall!

Michelle McCool (Co-Womens Champion) w/Layla (Co-Womens Champion) beat Kelly Kelly in a singles match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
Aw God...literally I said that when her music hit. Nice to see she got the sperm out of her hair. All I know is Layla sounds so cute on the mic and McCool got the 1-2-3 off the Styles Cla-err Faith Breaker on Kelly Kelly.

We get the same goddamn video package of them going to China, idgaf. Haha they showed Eve monkey-flipping Alicia Fox. So racist..and hilarious.

Jesus God, the divas match into the stupid video package, into that goddamn 24-year old midget acting like a retarded monkey having sex with a tree. This is f**king brutal. Electroshock therapy, then a black man with a midget running from a crime scene where an old man is being killed. Vintage stupidity.

Dolf Ziggler (Intercontinental Champion) w/Vickie Guerrero beat Chris Masters in a singles match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
We come back to the Titty Dancer himself, Chris Masters, in the ring and we even get some heel heat from Vickie Guerrero towards your Intercontinental Champion, Dolf Ziggler. Vince would be busting a nut over that press slam by Masters...if he were awake. End match Masters keeps himself from locking in The Masterlock. It looked very cheeseball Dolf pushes off the top rope and lands on Masters. Ziggler then hits the Zig Zag on Masters for the win.

The Big Show beat CM Punk/Luke Gallows w/Joseph Mercury in a 2-on-1 handicap match via submission: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Big Show comes out, the Straight Edge Society comes out blah blah. Wonder where that Serena chick went? The recap of the great Punk promo, oh wait they showed none of the good parts. They showed Big Show Hulking up...and rofl that Grisham and Striker can't say Hogan's name. Props to Striker for calling that The Vulcan Nerve Pinch! Basically it's a big game of cat and mouse on the outside. End match Show clotheslines Gallows three times. Then splashes him in the corner and steamrolls him with a shoulder knock down. He hits CM Punk off the apron and the hits an inverted powerbomb on Gallows. Then Show slaps on the Colossal Clutch and Gallows taps out. Afterward CM Punk gives Gallows the GTS and walks out. Solid match, sad they're breaking up SES though.

We have The VIP Lounge with Jack Swagger and his old, screwed up father. Really still in a neckbreak and wheelchair from a chokeslam from like 2 months ago? Really? The Jack Swagger Senior Invitational is a brilliant name btw. "The current Perry, Ok. senior citizen arm wrestling champion", hahahahaha. Swagger introduces his dad and tells him before he's interrupted this is his moment. Swagger senior says he's been proud of Swagger ever since he was 9 and broke the Oklahoma consecutive push-up record. Swagger Sr. starts counting while Swagger does push ups, riveting television. MVP comes out and says that he's turned The VIP Lounge into a lame kiss-ass-fest. Haha at Swagger using his dad in a wheelchair as a shield. Swagger launches his dad into MVP. Swagger then charges MVP and goes over the top rope. MVP plays to the crowd and hits the Ballin' Elbow on Swagger Sr. while Swagger escapes up the ramp.

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes beat Matt Hardy in a singles match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
If the steel step thing happened to Cena he'd be sprinting to the ring the next night. OH OHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! "Dashing" walks down to the ring and calls Matt Hardy face ugly, full of facial hair crop circles and that he carries around two spare tires when he's traveling. He tell us that Matt Hardy isn't version 1 anymore, he's version done. Great, great promo. ROFLMFAO WWE so totally spoiled that it'll be Randy Orton v Sheamus in a Hell in a Cell match at Hell in a Cell in Dallas next month. Haha. End match Cody moves out of the way from Matt's elbow drop from the ropes. Then Cody drops a knee from the second rope on Matts injured ankle and the hits Cross Rhodes for the win.

Kanes comes out...err on the tron and he has a huge announcement. Maybe we'll get the second part of his and 'Takers debate from last week. Then'll we'll vote in November on who really is The Devil's right hand man. He says that the Apocalypse is upon us is The Undertaker finally being crushed at Night of Champions. This is so dumb. Kane has wanted Undertakers powers, more than he'll ever know. I guess that mean he wants McCool in an SnM bondage position in the middle of a pentagram? The druids wheel a casket out to the ring (FREAKING SLOWLY) as Kane heckles on the tron. My screen has a seizure and Kane popped out of the casket...still heckling. Kane says he wishes he could see his brothers face when he realizes that he now walks in Kane's shadow. No longer, he says, that he is the number two brother. Now all he sees when he looks at Undertaker is weakness. Kane then shows when Barret hits the Wasteland and Gabriel hits the 450 Splash on Undertaker on RAW. He says he knew the whole time that Undertaker is a little bitch and that Kane took all his powers. And then when this long boring saga is over the phenom will be no more. Kane then starts scream that there is nothing Undertaker can do to stop him. The bell tolls and the lights go out, cuing the Undertaker to walk out to the ring...again FREAKING SLOWLY! And he looks kind-of pissed. Probably about the SnM fantasy Kane has towards Michelle. As 'Taker storms the ring the lights go out and Kane is gone. Undertaker slows approaches the casket, ready to attack Kane. But he's not in there. Kane then comes on the tron and says that they used to be called The Brothers of Destruction. But after Night of Champions he'll only be knows as the brother he destroyed.

Smackdown Rating: 6.5/10 or 3.25/5 Stars
Last Week: N/R
It was a very solid Smackdown. The matches were all pretty good, and all the promos were done well. Especially Christian/Del Rio, Swagger/Swagger Sr. (before MVP came out) and "Dashing" Cody's promo on Hardy. Even the Kane/Undertaker is alright, albeit BORING. I was gonna give it 7/10, but the stretch from the Divas match till the damned Hornswoggle/"Buckle Up" Teddy s*** was...well s***. Still a fairly good show and about a million times better than RAWs 900th-ish episode on Monday.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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Layin' Down the Raw 8/30/10 [Record Breaking 900th Episide Cementing it as the Longest Running Weekly Episodic Television Show in History]

Ah 900 episodes, even if WWE hasn't done 900, hell they've might be over 900s, it's still a feat. Get ready to hear Cole say "record breaking", and "longest running weekly episodic television show in history" like 900 times. I'll note every time he says one of the phrases with a "[x]". Anywho, enough of this..and I quote, let's lay down the Raw.

[1] Wow we start off the promos with one. God help us all. [2] King busts his nut over the mian event later tonight, and Bret Hart's music hits. I'd be excited if it were January..alas it isn't. [3] He talks about how 17 years ago RAW debuts, and he wondered if it would be a hit. He says it's cause of us it's still going terrible...I mean good. He says himself and HBK..er Undertaker were the only two left on the roster was on the first RAW. Kanes, the World Heavyweight Champion, music hits and maybe we'll hear a live debate on who the devil likes more. Kane says that there is no more Undertaker, and he's no longer a "Phenom". Kane says all he is now is broken down old pussy. Haha I wish, he just called him a man. Kane then compares the Hitman to 'Taker as weak, feeble, over the hill, and a pussy. Haha, again I wish. He said that the last time he was any good, was when he sent Shawn Michaels into retirement. bret says that he can't wait for Kane to get beat by Undertaker, as usual. Kane says all he's ever wanted to do is be out of Undertakers penis shadow. Is this catching on? Kane says he's gonna take out Bret like 'Taker did Shawn. The Hart Dynasty comes out to save Bret, but do nothing. The lights go out and the crowd goes nuts. Undertaker is in the ring and him and Kane have a lovers stare down. Kane leaves, as the GM IMs "The Great Dumbass" Cole. AND I QUOTE @8:11 CDT! He/she/it/they inform us that tonight they're will be an historic match for the historic RAW. Undertaker vs Bret "The Hitman" Hart. I'll bet anyone $500 it ends in a DQ.

We get clips from episodes of RAW. The debut, and the great Austin Zamboni attack.

The Miz (Mr. Money in the Bank/United States Champion)/Alex Riley beat Kaval/Daniel Bryan and Kofi Kingston/Joe Hennig Jr. in a triple threat tag team match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stas
OMFG I'm have a great f***ing wrestler tagging in a match-gasm. Too bad they won't win. Haha Cole's bitching, it's the best part of RAW and NXT tbh. Cause God knows he doesn't call moves right and sucks on the shtick. Haha Miz can't tag himself in, but good try. End match Migilcutty (the hell if I know how to spell his stupid ring-name) rolls up Kaval for a two. Kaval kicks Migilcutty and then hits The Warrior's Way. Miz then comes in and hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pinfall.

Afterward, Bryan throws Riley out of the ring, while Cole busts a nut, and Miz hits Bryan with the Money in the Bank briefcase. [4]

We have recap of Melina beating Jillian and ay-Cool telling them they have something FLAWLESS planned for tonight.

Team Lay-Cool (The Co-Womens Champions) vs Melina (Divas Champion)/Eve Torres in a divas tag team match: 0.1/10 or PoS/5 Stars
Cole thing Lay-Cool calling Melina "Lady Wawa", oh s***t the match is over...in to minutes...off a roll-up..and everyone didn't get tagged it. I hate RAW.

REAL TALK though! They challenge Melina, this is shocking really, to a unification match. Melina says she's prepared, God this is brutal. Melina says it'll be a Lumberjack match. Lumberjill you dumb whore. Lay-Cool accepts. And then the divas roster comes out. The Bellas, Jillian, Rosa, and Fox all blow. Literally, in the back whoever they can find. REAL TALK, I don't give a f***. God I'm flawless.

They show another flashback of when Nexus was awesome and they first took out Cena and Bryan got kicked out for chocking someone with tie. Ahh good ranting times. They then cut to Nexus and Tarver says people are calling them weak cause Young is gone and Skip broke is ankle. Barrett says that tonight they'll do something we'll never forget. [6]

They flashback to when Barker hosted RAW and called Jericho "Mr. happy Boy". It was a good RAW. "Let's do it!" is one of the best quotes ever.

Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews is in the back with the best in the world at what he does, Chris Jericho. He's sick of all us and says that if he doesn't win the WWE title at Night of Champions in three weeks. Josh says he thinks he joke, but he calls him a liar, us all hypocrites, and says he has something planned for Nexus later.

The Good and the Bad (John Morrison/"Mr. Narcissistic" R-Truth) and "Dashing" Cody Rhodes/"The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre were both DQ'd in a tag team match to be the No.1 Contenders for the WWE Tag Team Championships: NR
[7] I'm loving Cole ragging on R-Truth's theme, cause frankly I agree with him..it sucks bung.
I feel sorry for Boston having to listen to Truth's theme for 5 minutes. OH OH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Yeah whata surprise, maybe some grooming tips tonight. Nice even Drew's abbreviated theme is awesome. PUPPIES @8:50 CDT! Whata gip, this is why I hate RAW, the ref threw the match out in less than a minute. They brawl and I don't care. Whata waste.

Another flashback...to earlier this year..when Bret and HBK made up. It was a great moment. But how about older clips?

The "Phenom is in Vegetative State" Undertaker vs Bret "The Hitman" Hart in a singes match: Never Started
If Triple H was here we could have the ultimate triple threat match. Seeing who takes the longest getting to the ring out of Triple H, Undertaker, and Randy Orton. I do love King and Cole listing off shows that 70% of the audience don't even know about. [8] YES! Wade Barrett has saved the day! Thank God almighty! VINTAGE UNDERTAKER @9:02 CDT! Cause only Undertaker uses the big boot as a move. The lights go out. Kane comes out and a slugs it out with Undertaker. The lights go out again and Nexus comes out. Undertaker fights them off and Undertaker goes for a chokeslam on Barrett. The lights go out again, and Undertaker is on Barrett's shoulder and he hits the Barret Bomb on Undertaker, the Gabriel hit's the 450 Splash. Undertaker is trying to sit up, Kane is laughing his ass off, and I'm banging my head against the wall. Least Nexus is still going over, but we all know it's over in a month and a half.

"Lispy" Jack Swagger beat Evan Bourne in a singles match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Swagger says that he's a returning countertenor and that Boston sucks. I'll bet this doesn't go three minutes. Oh look two minutes in Alberto Del Rio, "Truthman" himself comes out in his fancy car, and does the Mexican JBL gimmick. Cole busted a huge nut over him too. I do like him, but I want wresting. Wow about 4 minutes in, the match kept going, and Swagger won with the Ankle Lock.

Alberto Del Rio says that he's sorry the RAW viewers couldn't see him take out Rey Mysterio on Smackdown, yeah cause the people at RAW only watch RAW, so he'll take Evan Bourne. He slaps on the cross arm breaker on Bourne and tries to do what he did to Rey Friday. Outta nowhere we get out thirst's quenched as The Kool-Aid Man bum rushed ringside and punches a chair. Riveting.

As Cole cleans up by changing pants, they show a package of the Superstars thoughts on preforming for the first time in China. I'll give them props, it is a pretty cool achievement.

We have another flashback, and finally it's not one from the past year. It's a great promo too, Mankind doing The Rock's "It's Your Life".

CM Punk, Joseph, Luke, and Serena come out for a 900th episode straight edge talk. Wait what Sernea got fired? Haha whoops. Too soon? CM Punk says that he's better than The Rock and his stupid Toothfairy movie. He asked Boston if they wanted to see The Rock. They cheered as usual. YES, PUNK WITH A KATIE VICK REFERENCE! He shows clips of people destroying property, throwing people in bodies of water, trespassing, and excessive use of beer. Actually all pretty good flashback clips. CM Punk said he'd never throw someone in a body of water, it's unsportsmanlike haha. Punk said it's just like us to cheer for someone like Stone Cold and would love for him to come down and give a beer bath. Stone Cold's music hits and the crowd goes nuts. CM Punk is laughing in the ring and mocks Boston for falling for it. He shows the clip of Lesnar superplexing Big Show and breaking the ring. Punk says he forgot who was superplexing him haha. Big Show comes out and Punk asked why he always gets interrupted. Big Show asks why Punk with a fat joke. Big Shows says that those aren't embarrassing, embarrassing is when Eddie gave him a tainted burrito. And Eddie chant erupts. Big Show takes a shot at Hogan and TNA, and CM Punk says "no one likes him and he's not funny". Big Show got pissed and hit Punk and took out Gallows as we got to commercial. God I love Punk, and him and Show made this worth watching.

As we come back we get another flashback of Triple H coming back to an amazing ovation on the 450th episode of RAW.

Matthews in on the stage and has a very special guest, the WWE Champion. Sheamus, The Pale White Yonder, says that he's sorry Triple H isn't here and it's not fair that he has to defend his title and team with the rest of the people in his six-pack challenge. Edge comes out. FELLA @9:46 CDT! Edge says that ever since his debut on the 236th episode. He tells Sheamus that he's gonna take his title and add it to all the accolades he acrewed on RAW over the years. He makes a Beaker joke mememememememeemememe and runs to the ring for the main event next.

The Nexus, Wade Barret/David Otunga/Heath Slater/Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater beat Sheamus (WWE Champion)/Edge/Chris Jericho/Randy Orton/John Cena in a 5-on-5 elimination tag team match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Yay a rematch from Summerfest. Too bad it won't go 40 minutes and will suck. As the 900th episode draws to a close, the voices told Orton to come out, and of course he obliges them. Ya know Cena started acting like a Marine when he was doing that movie. Maybe he since he's starring in a wrestling movie he could actually wrestle. NEXT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's 56 after in the second hour, God this show is S***fest 2010. I'll just put down the how all the eliminations happen, cause I'm lazy and I don't care. [9]

Elimination #1. Well Jericho eliminates himself by walking out. Haha
Elimination #2. Well Edge eliminates himself too by getting DQ'd by pushing the ref. Hahaha
Elimination #3. Heath Slater eliminates the WWE Champion Sheamus off the Zig Zag (Thanks for posting Ziggler)
Elimination #4. John Cena eliminates Heat Slater off the Attitude Adjustment
VINTAGE Nexus @10:09 CDT!
Elimination #5. John Cena eliminates David Otunga via the STF
Elimination #6. Justin Gabriel eliminates John Cena off the 405 Splash
Elinination #7. Randy Orton eliminates Justin Gabriel off the RKO
Elimination #8. Randy Orton eliminates Michael Tarver off the RKO
Elimination #9. Wade Barrett eliminates Randy Orton off The Wasteland

RAW Rating: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Last Week: 6.5/10 or 3.25/5 Stars
One star for CM Punk and one star for Wade Barrett. Wade Barret getting over everyone is nice and Punk's promo was godly. But the rest of this show was garbage. Ok promos by Edge and Y2J. Terrible matches. The flashbacks were lame. The announcing was terrible. The storylines right now are all lame. The show went 15 minutes over. Etc, etc. Need I say more? This is the first time since HBK left that I've wanted him to come back. I hate Raw. BTW, I didn't care to edit this much, cause WWE didn't care to put on much of a show.

That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples

Layin' Down the Raw 8/23/2010

Nexus is two less members...err one less member *wink wink* and Cena, who'da thunk that guy would be so good this year, did it. hopefully they'll start Daniel Bryan and The Miz feud going into Night of Champions. Well as long as Cole is a vintage (@7:58 CDT!) doucher and there is decent matches like last week I'll be content with the B-show. Let's lay down the Raw.

We have our 50th recap in the last seven days of RAW last week, and Young getting kicked out of Nexus.

We start off with the WWE Champ, The Pale White Yonder himself, Sheamus. Oh, look more recaps, God I swear they think we forget stuff so easily. He starts off by calling all the American kids spoiled runts. I agree haha. Fella @8:06 AND @8:07 CDT! He then said Orton was the biggest spoiled kid in the WWE. HAND I QUOTE @8:09 CDT! The GM says that he will be watching a series of matches this evening, and he'll decide at the end of the night who he's gonna fight at Night of Champion.

Edge beat R-Truth in a singles match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Oh look Mr. Narcissistic is rapping, the same terrible rap, like he does every time. His best move is putting the mic down. End match Edge gets a two off a cross-body while Truth was in the ropes. He then put him in a modified surfboard submission. Truth fights up, and the both hit a cross-body on each other. Truth takes Edge down with some moves and hits a hip-toss. Truth goes for a superkick and missed and gets taken down by the Edge-O-Matic. Edge sets up for the spear but Truth leapfrogs it. Truth goes for the scissors kick and misses. Edge then hits a short spear outta now-where for the pinfall.

Edge then walks up the ramp and tells Sheamus that if he doesn't beat the 9-time world champ, himself peoples, then he doesn't deserve the title at all.

Chris Jericho vs "The Punjabi Jobber" The Great Kalhi in a singles match via pinfall: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Oh look, Kalhi's still favoring his ankle that was hurt like 5 weeks ago at Raw tapings. consistency, gotta love it. End match Kalhi misses a leg drop and Chris goes to work on the hurt ankle and leg of Kalhi. ASK HIM @8:32 CDT! Kalhi counters a submission and puts him in the Vice Grip. Jericho gets under the ropes. He then goes for a Codebreaker. Kalhi hits him a nuch but Jericho goes back to the ankle. He slaps on the biggest Walls of Jericho and Kalhi taps out.

Afterward he tells Sheamus he was the first Undisputed WWE Champ and that it was axiomatic that he should get the title shot at Night of Champions. Kalhi knocked him off the top rope for no reason. Sore loser.

Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews is in the back and his super special secret awesome guest is...John Cena. He says that ever since Miz got an attitudes problem and that hez gonna shut his mouthes with the FU-err the Attitude Adjustment.

Melina (Diva's Champion) beat Jillian in a singles match for the Diva's Championship via pinfall: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
Lol at Cole singing Eminem. I wonder what happened to Eve's shot. Wait I'm supposed to forget that tidbit. VINTAGE MELINA @8:44 CDT! End match Jillian goes for an..well I don't care, and Melina hits The Last Call for the 1-2-3.

Lay-Cool comes on the screen. Aww no real talk. They tell Melina that next week they'll be at the 900th episode of RAW and they have a FLAWLESS plan for Melina.

Matthews has another super special secret awesome guest, is The Miz. Goddammit, their not special guest if you see them every night on tv. -_- Miz says Cena was an ass-tard for trying to embarrass him and saying he has an ego. The Miz says that Sheamus doesn't even need to pick him, and he can cash in at any time.

AND I QUOTE @8:54 CDT! As Nexus is standing on the stage, he informs everyone that the ban of Nexis competing for titles has been lifted. Barret immediately walks over to Sheamus and tell him that the truce is over.

The Miz (United States Champion/Mr. Money in the Bank) beat John Cena in a singles match via DQ: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Haha from complete boos for The Miz, to complete cheers for Cena. I said "Miz hits the People's leg drop" and my friend flipped out haha. I call Santino's headbutt The Peoples Headbutt too, I hope he does it tonight. End match Miz hits his big clothesline in the corner and gets a long two outta it. He goes for it again but Cena moved. He starts his shoulder blocks ans back suplex which gets a VINTAGE @9:13 CDT! Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Miz countered into a backbreaker into a neckbreaker for a long two. Cena then slaps on the STF and Miz barely gets to the ropes. Miz then hits Cena with a big boot for another two. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment again, but Miz uses the ropes to jump on the apron. Cena goes for a right hand but Miz jumps to the floor. Then everything goes to hell, when Daniel Bryan hits Miz from behind, giving him the win. Cena gives him the Attitude Adjustment and then Bryan slaps on his crossface on Miz for about a minute all while Cole is yelling "THIS IS A TRAVESTY!"

Santino Marrella/Vladimir Kozlof beat The Uso with Tamena in a tag team match to be the No.1 the WWE Tag Team Championships: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
LMFAO at Santino missing three superkicks in a row. End match Santino takes out Uso #1. Uso #2 kicks Santino in the gut and outta the ring. In the ring he goes for a kick but Kozlof hits his spinebuster, the call it The Iron Curtain I think for the pinfall.

Afterward Tamena stops one of the Usos from attacking Santino. Then she loads a kiss into a blow dart and Santino catches it in his cheek. Kozlof really thinks that happened.

Randy Orton beat John Morrison/Ted DiBiase w/Maryse in a triple threat match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Oh man, the lovely Maryse. I mean since Eve hasn't been on the show, I'll cheer for the #2 hottie on RAW. That kid Morrison gave the glasses to won't have sun in his eye tomorrow when he mows some lawns. Aren't I terrible? The voice are ready for this triple threat and they tell Orton to come out. As usual he obliges them. Damn and another recap from last week, and dammit another commercial. *Sigh* End match Orton hit SNAP POWERSLAMS (screw you Cole!) on both men and then we get a VINTAGE @9:43 CDT! Randy misses the RKO and Morrison hits a back heel kick. Morrison goes over the top rope. Teddy goes for Dream Street but he gets thrown over Orton. Morrison springboards in and TAKES AN RKO MID AIR FOR THE WIN! YES! Not as great as the RKO from the Shooting Star Press, but GREAT none the less. After He RKO's DiBiase for good measure as well.

Ol' "Goofy Smile" is is the back with Sheamus and he says he's had enough of Orton and he's gonna make his decision next.

Sheamus (WWE Champion) beat Zack Ryder in a singles match for the WWE Championship via pinfall: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Sheamus has been tinkin about this for awhile. All of two hours. And instead of fighting at Night of Champions, he's gonna fight that person tonight. The person in "Woo Woo Woo'er" himself Zack Ryder. THE BLARNEY BOOT @9:57 CDT! Hahaha one hit KO FTW!

Sheamus says that now that he's defended his title and he doesn't have to defend it for 30 days. Barrett comes out and says he's using his title shot he won from NXT at NoC! AND I QUOTE @10:00 CDT! The GM infroms us that it won't be just Barrett/Sheamus. It'll be a Six-Pack Challenge, and Chris Jericho/Edge/Randy Orton and the shocker, John Cena. Well never mind, it's not a shocker. They all beat up Barrett and throw him out. Jericho hits a Codebraker on Sheamus. Edge spears Jericho. Cena Attitude Adjusts Edge, and Randy RKOs Cena to close out the show.

RAW Rating 6.5/10 or 3.25/5 Stars
Last Week: 5.5/10 or 2.75/5 Stars
Not a huge step up from last week, but it was a better watch for me. The matches were plenty, but short cause it's RAW. The outcomes were predictable but everyone worked hard. Miz had a nice little promo in the back and a nice match with Cena. Hopefully him and Bryan will duke it out for the United States Championship. The triple threat was pretty good as well, and the RKO Orton gave to Morrison was pretty good. Sheamus is getting better and better on the mic and I like the OHKO of a match for the title with Zack Ryder. Not only if they'd let him do it with Trips, Cena, or Orton. Hey I can dream. Nice ending with the Six Pack announcement and everyone taking each other out. Think Orton's over much? Nah..........sarcasm. Oh well another decent, RAW and Cole's commentary wasn't as bad cause he kept it heel the whole time. Not just when Miz and Bryan were out there.

That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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The Smackdown Lowdown! 8/20/2010

Smackdown, the A-Show, FU haters, is one week removed from Summerfest, where their ICC match got interfered with and the only other noteworthy news is that Undertaker is back. Nothing witty to say cause Fat Jesus is tired from building a bed frame. So let's get the lowdown on Smackdown!

We start with Rey thanking everyone for support through out his vicious, tiring match with Kane. Rey spews that we all know who attacked Kane when Truthman himself Alberto Del Rio interrupts. He says it's an honor to meet Rey, and that while they're both from Mexico. But Del Rio is rich and that Rey is just a commoner. Rey rags on his nice clothes, and says just cause of his houses and nice things, that we don't have to respect him. That around here, he has to earn respect. Del Rio said if he can't earn respect, then he'll make us respect him. Rey says they aren't friends, and Del Rio call him a cockroach. Rey then challenges Del Rio to a match, Del Rio says he will when he's good and ready. Rey slapped Del Rio and then gave him a 619 for good measure.

OH OHHHHHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! And another grooming tip, where "Dashing" Cody eliminates all the ugly, wrinkled, and cracked skin of the WWE Universe!

Kofi Kingston beat Dolph Ziggler (Intercontinental Champion) w/"Emo" Vicky Guerrero vs "Mr. Identity Confused" in a singles match for the Intercontinental Championship via DQ: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Well at Summerfest about 9 minutes in to their match The Nexus came in a f**ked them up, so here's a rematch. Naturally. Lol, first Cole taking jabs at us and now Striker. Call the matches and I'll be the critic. You dumbass Striker. Shanghai, Georgia. What moron thinks Georgia when someone says Shanghai? *Rubs eyes* End match, Ziggler throws an armbar on Kofi. Kofi fights up with punches. He get's slung into the corner and Ziggler missed a splash. Kofi rolls him up for a long two. kofi then it's shots to the chest and dropkick, and a Thez press. Ziggler missed another splash in the corner and takes a boot. Kofi goes to the top and Vicky blatantly pushes him down in front of the ref and Kofi gets the DQ win.

Afterward Kofi tries to attack Ziggler but Vicky stopped him. Which allows an ambush from behind on the outside. Leading to a Zig Zag and a Sleeper Hold in the ring, on Kofi by Ziggler. Finally, at the urging of Vicky, he stomped the knocked out Kofi right in the throat.

Uh-oh! Real talk time with Team Lay-Cool. (I'm starting to love them btw) They liked how they looked on NXT (where McTakers boob popped out) or w/e, and they're sick of "Lady WaWa" Melina's crying. I am too, quit being a cry baby OVER EVERYTHING. And that whatever Teddy has planned is FLAW...less. F*** the little show ruiner is back, it was fun while his absence lasted.

Gallows is complaining in the back that Punk walked out on them. Serena said that beating the Big Show and Kelly Kelly, will earn his respect. To which Joey, brilliantly replied, "But you've never been in a match Serena!" Haha like we're supposed to expect that she's never ever wrestled a match before. CM Punk walks up and says he liked what the Nexus did Monday, and if Gallows and Serena lose, they're out of the Straight Edge Society.

Luke Gallows/Serena w/Joseph Mercury beat Big Show/Kelly in a mix tag team match via pinfall, If Gallows/Serena lose they're out of SES: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
My her hair looks nice tonight...Serena's not Kelly's. Kelly's looks like it has dried sperm in it. End match Kelly hits a sit down facebuster on Serena, which Gallows breaks up. Big show steamrolls Gallows and fights him on the outside. Meanwhile, in the ring Kelly goes for the K2, Serena counters and then hits her finisher, the gutbuster for the 1-2-3.

Rofl, I love the miscue with the track and Kane laughing about 5 seconds after the camera was put on him. He says of the Seven Deadly Sins, pride is his favorite. As it let Undertaker return to soon allowing Kane to drop him on his head. My favorites? Gluttony and sloth obviously. He goes a huge spiel, on how all his years Undertakers "powers" have been dwindling, and how he's jealous of him. I'm impressed that Kane memorizes all this s***, but damn it's boring as hell. Apparently, he's been hatching the plan of VENGEANCE for the last ten years and now the plans happened and Kanes in the spotlight, while Undertaker laying in the shadows. for the last 15 years he's waited to be called upon..The Devils Favorite (and most boring) Subject.

Christian beat "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre in a singles match via pinfall: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
I still love Drew entrance. OH OH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Outta nowhere "Dashing" Cody Rhodes comes out and joins us at commentary. "I smell dashing", amazing. cody isn't half bad on commentary either. End match, Christians arm has been focused on the whole time in case you've been sleeping. (Thanks for posting Vince McMahon) Christian hits a huge counter DDT, for a long two on Drew. Clothesline from Christian, and then he takes and beats on Drew in the corner. Christian hits a baseball slide and then a missile dropkick on Drew for yet another long two. Drew misses in the corner and takes a boot. But Drew ducks a flying elbow, and hits Christian's arm with a knee crasher. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Drew taks him into the corner. Drew carries Christian into the middle of the ring, but Christian counters into a crucifix for the pinfall.

After the match. "Dashing" and Drew beat on Christian. Matt Hardy comes out for the save, and even hits the Side Effect. But he's no match for the numbers game and Drew gives him the Future Shock DDT and gets Cross Rhodes from Cody.

Swagger, the first ever lisp champion, is complaining to Rosa. I'd be staring at her tit bouncing up and down TBH. MVP comes up, and says no one is doubting his credentials. Swagger makes a challenge. A match, if he wins, he hosts the VIP Lounge, and if MVP wins he throws a block party and Swagger has to pick up the tab. I wouldn't take that bet ever.

RAW Rebound, it was solid. Irony hits had Darren Young wrestles the best match out of all of them. Too bad it's against Cena, he loses and bombed from the group.

Teddy called Kane to see him. I think he needs some of Grisham's q-tips. Teddy informs him that his brother, The Undertaker is gonna be back next week. Kane says that it'll be hell on earth.

"Truthman" Alberto Del Rio beat Rey Mysterio in a singles match via submission: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
HE'S LIKE A SPANISH JBL! YES! WITH ORTON'S OLD GOLD WATERFALL!! He doesn't look bad in the early going to be honest, I like his smashmouth style. Not many are like that anymore. End match, Del Rio slams Rey's hand on the steel steps, stands on it for awhile, and then kicks it. He rolls him back in the ring for a two count. Rio misses a boot and takes a hit. He then hits an insiguri into the arm, he body slammed Rey and goes to the top rope and misses the senton. Rey's up first and kicks Rio, and finally a huge one for a long time two. Rey goes to the apron and hits the West Coast pop and a springboard crossbody for a long two. Rio rushed in and gets drop toe held into the second rope. Rio caught the 619, and the counters Rey off the second rope in the corner. Rey goes to the top and Rio knocked him down. Rio kicks Rey in the gut and takes him down with a legs corckscrew into the arm-bar! Rey tapped out to it, and Alberto Del Rio wins his debut match!

Smackdown Rating: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
A lot of good on SD! this week, even with the in-ring action was short. But, short for Smackdown is 9 minute matches. Which were all fairly good. SES with Punk as their dictator now is nice, I expect Gallows to leave first. I'm really glad they're putting Serena in matches too, cause SD! (Really all the WWE) is bad in the divas category. Sorry, Eve, I love ya, but I need moar good women's action. I don't like Swagger being misused, have him cut a promo on how good he is and have him in matches each week. Kane's promo was, good but way overdone. But that how all his speeches are. I'm meh to it now. I like how the young guns in Drew/Rhodes are taking out the old vetrans in Hardy/Christan and this could be a nice little tag team feud. Finally hit the best part of the night, Alberto Del Rio. Honestly I wasn't expecting much, but they gave him main event with Rey and he ran with it. He's got good ring psychology, he looks comfortable, and has one helluva finisher. Kudos to a great debut from Albertoooooooooooooooo Del Rioooooo and great SD! to watch! More grooming tips please.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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Layin' Down the Raw 8/16/2010

Off of a Summerfest that initially pissed me off, but then it grew on me. Where Miz had a Promo of the Year nod, if there was one, Daniel Brayn came back as well as Undertaker, and Cena Superman'd up harder than ever before, we have RAW. This could be one to remember and time for hopefully an upper after a Summerslam that was such a downer. Let's lay down the Raw.

We start out with Nexus saying even in loss their still united and have become stronger due to the loss. Then Cena comes out and makes a bunch of bad jokes and uses a bad British accent too much. AND I QUOTE @8:11 CDT! The GM sets up singles matches between Team RAW and Team Nexus members for tonight. Barret add that if any of the Nexus member lose they'll be butt-f***ed and then kicked out of Nexus. Well maybe not the sex part. But they'll still be kicked out.

Wade Barrett beat Chris Jericho in a singles match via pinfall, if Barret loses he is out of The Nexus: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
End match Barrett hits a bit boot after getting out of the Walls of Jericho. Jericho kicked out at 2. Jericho hits a step up insiguri for a long two. Jericho then goes for a Codebreaker, but Barrett counters it into the Barrett Bomb (can use "Bomb" now that Batista left) for the 1-2-3.

The Hart Dynasty with Natalya's Boobs come out due to the Guest Hosts. The GM IM'd Cole. AND I QUOTE @8:32 CDT! He said that Bret Hart has the new tag team title, and now their to be called the WWE Tag Team titles. I like them they're gold and look like the old WWF Championship belt. Barret comes on the tron (hehe) and says that Hart's opponent will be "Mr. Flamboyant" Justin Gabriel.

Michael Tarver beat Daniel Bryan in a singles match via pinfall, if Tarver loses he is out of The Nexus: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
End match Daniel Bryan hits a missile dropkick for a long two. Then all hell breaks loose. Miz and Alex Riley run down, but Bryan saw them. They yell at each other. Tarver get's up and rolls Bryan up in school-boy for the win. Afterward, Daniel Bryan suicide dove through the ropes onto Miz. But then the 3-on-1 beat down of Bryan begin, ending with The Miz giving the Skull Crushing Finale to Bryan on his Money in the Bank briefcase.

Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews catches Miz and Riley in the back and asks him why he attacked Bryan. Miz said it was because everyone thinks he was better than him since the beginning, but now look at him, and that Alex Riley, is the new WWE NXT breakout star.

Justin Gabriel beat Randy Orton in a singles match via countout, if Gabriel loses he is out of the Nexus: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
AND I QUOTE! @8:56 CDT! The GM says that he's never liked Bret and never and wants to see Bret wrestle on RAW again. He found a suitable opponent. It's RKO himslef. The Voices told Randy to come out, and as always he obliges them. End match Orton hits a snap powerslam (I hate you so much for being thick skulled enough to still call it a f***ing 'scoopslam' Mo\ichael Cole!) and then a DDT off the second rope, that gets a VINTAGE! @9:01 CDT! At this point Sheamus comes out and they brawl at ring side in the crowd. Randy gets counted out. When he realizes it, he jumps back in the ring and RKO'd Gabriel. Then went back to work on Sheamus and ragged on him with a steel chair, ending with an RKO on the floor.

Skip Sheffield/David Otunga beat John Morrison/R-Truth in a tag team match, if Sheffield/Otunga lose they're out of The Nexus: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Aww yeah The Good an The Bad are back together! "Mr. Narcissistic" comes out and sings his stupid theme as usual. End match Morrison gets the hot tag and goes to work on Sheffield. During an exchange Skip blind tags Outunga. Clubs Morrison, he takes Truth out who tried to come in. Skip then hits Morrison with the Clothesline from Texas for the win.

Maryse/Alica Fox/Jillian Hall beat Eve Torres/Melina (Divas Champion)/Gail Kim in a 3-on-3 divas tag match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
End match Eve hits two dropkicks and then a nice little springborad kick on Jillian. She climbs to the top rope to go for a moonsault, but Jillian takes her down in a powerbomb like move for the three count. TBH this was the best Divas action on RAW in months upon months.

"Goofy Smile" is in the back and his guest is The Rated R Superstar, Edge. They talk about last night when Slater comes up and says he models his hear and lifestyle after Edge. And it'd be cool if Edge just, didn't show up. Edge said, ordinarily he might but he doesn't wanna get "beaten" by a cheap ginger version of himself. As Edge is walking away Slater clubs him in the back.

Heath "Wendy" Slater beat Edge in a singles match via countout, if Slater loses he is out of The Nexus: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
End match Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic for a two. He then hits a running shoulder block in the corner and Heath rolls to the outside. He side steps a baseball slide by Edge. But then he took a big boot and Edge sets up for a spear on the outside. Heath stumbles up and rolls in the ring as the ref get's to a 10 count and wins the match. Niceness I must admit, cause I didn't even notice the count haha.

Oh look bad comedy with the guest hosts, Kahli and The Bella Whores...I mean Twins...I don't care. At all.

John Cena beat Darren Young "Black Cena" in a singles match via submission, if Young loses he is out The Nexus: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Here's what could Match of the Year in "Black Cena" vs "White Cena"! Nexus comes out and watches the match from the stage. A "Let's Go Cena/Cena sucks" chant breaks out while Young has a submission on Cena. Damn, Young is throwing the whole wrestling book at Cena and has been quite impressive. VINTAGE CENA @10:01 CDT! End match, Cena lamely Superman'd up, hits the shoulder blocks, back suplex, 5 Knuckle Shuffle, goes for the Attitude Adjustment, Young fights out, but gets caught in the STF and taps out. Actually a very decent match until Cena Superman'd up.

Afterward Nexus circles up and beat down Young. Giving him the Clothesline from Texas, The Barrett Bomb, and finally the 450 Splash as we close out RAW with one less Nexus member.

RAW Rating 5.5/10 or 2.75/5 Stars
Last Week: NR
It was a nice watch to me. Stuck between giving it a 5 or 6, so I met in the middle. The countout matches were lame, but the Edge one had good action and the Orton one furthered storyline. Not to mention Orton's gone nuts. I like Cole STILL ragging on Daniel Bryan and all the heel heat (he'll get more now) that Miz is getting for hating Daniel Bryan. I like Nexus weeding out the weak, but based off tonight I'd much rather have had Tarver go, cause he was bad, and actually Young looked the best in-ring tonight. Cena "Superman'ing" up is really getting annoying and bad. But, hey at least he sell a lot of that stupid oran-...err now purple crap.

That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples

The Smackdown Lowdown! 8/6/2010

Unh yeah let me kick a little rhyme, ya'll know what's on cause it's Smackdown time! After last weeks swim with the superstars edition of Smackdown, we come to the Smackdown before the last Smackdown before Summerfest! I know we'll have Rey/Kane in something I'm sure, where Kane will try and get vengeance, CM Punk will be awesome as always, Team Lay-Cool will have to tell us who is the Womens Champion, and Ziggler/Kofi will battle for the Intercontinental Championship.

We start out with Rey, the number one contender, and he's mad at Kane for chokeslamming him into the Gulf of Mexico last week, he says he doesn't like caskets and only God can judge him (Thanks for posting Tupac). Rey says he knows who really took out Mr. Vegetable, but as he's about to say who, The Chosen One's awesome theme hits and out comes Drew McIntyre. Drew says back home they call mask wearin' people like Rey, criminals. He says Rey's pulled the wool over all our eyes for the last 10 years, and asks why he stood idly by as CM Punks arm was screwed up and Swagger father's was put in the hospital. McIntyre says that he wanted to be the one who took out 'Taker, and then says Teddy set up a match between them if he chooses to accept. Drew says he wants to do the same thing to Rey, that Rey did to Undertaker, and dares him to accept the challenge. Rey yells something in Spanish, pushes Drew, and says he accepts as we go to commercial.

"Mr. Lisp" Cody Rhodes beat Matt Hardy in a singles match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Wow, I can't believe Matt's still getting big pops. Too bad Vince isn't awake to hear them. Go Jobberwalkie #1, Go! Mirror, mirror in the wall, I'd better get a grooming tip tonight after all. End match, Cody hits the spring board kick for a two and then slaps on a modified cross-face. Matt gets up and sunset flips Cody for a two. Both men up again and Hardy puts on an inside cradle for another two. Cody hits a face-buster on Hardy and slaps on the cross-face again. Hardy fights up, but Cody uses his hair to take him down. Cody worked over Matt in the corner and then get's scoop-slammed for a two. Back to the cross-face again. Matt fights up and gets a back elbow into a neckbreaker, clothelines, elbow drops and finally the Side Effect for a two. Hardy calls for the Twist of Fate and Cody counters with a roll up for a two. Cody hits a side Russian leg sweep for another two, but misses a leg drop. Matt clothelines Cody in the corner and puts him on the top rope. Cody counters and goes for the Alabama Slam but Matt hangs on. Cody counters the counter and drops Hardy on the turnbuckle and then Cross Rhodes for the win. OH OHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS!

Blah blah, the Hallmark movie channel feature with the WWE called Legendary. I'd rather watch the one about wrestling that has Kurt Angle starring in it...cause he really can ya know, wrestle.

Truthman (Alberto Del Rio) is here! The protector of Honest City and we are all mentally constipated. That's all I got outta this, I guess I need to pull some brain farts.

Teddy's oogling Rosa in the back. Lay-Cool call her fat. Teddy, like a black man steals one of their titles, and then they unrealistically break it in half. Teddy is dumbfounded as they leave.

Dolf Ziggler beat Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental Champion) in a singles match for the Intercontinental Championship: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
We get the "Excuse Me" from the Beluga whale and it with Ziggler heads to the ring as they go to commercial. Mr. Identity Confused, the champ head to the ring and the match is underway. End match Kofi and Ziggler slug it out and Ziggler ends with an arm stunner for a two. Ziggler right back on the attack with stomps. Ziggler talks with Vickie and takes a Trouble in Paradise. Vickie jump in the ring and distracts ref, while Ziggler gets up and hits the Zig Zag on Kofi for the 1-2-3. And we have a new champ! New champ! OH OH YOU'RE ONLY SMOK-..wait wrong person.

Afterward Kofi beats on Ziggler and scoop slams him on the announce table and commits a hate crime against Ziggler by bashing his head into the steel steps repeatedly and finally throws Ziggler into the steps like a lawn dart before the ref stops him.

Yes! The Straight Edge Society, the show can finally be saved promo wise by our WWE Pastor, CM Punk! CM Punk says that he's done more than all of us, like being sober and winning the world title three times, and winning back to back money in the Bank matches at Wrestlemania. He then shows us the footage of last week where the SES holds Big Show down and stomps on his hand and I assume breaks it. Punk asks if everyone is happy, and they are. But Punk isn't and tells them to get in their slave-like knees. Punk says when they're happy they let him down and that they slip and fall of the wagon. CM Punk doesn't tolerate their weakness or falling off the wagon, and if they do, they're out like blowing on a candle. He tells them that they'll be better than everyone and will be happy when CM Punk says they can be happy.

CM Punk/Luke Gallows/Joey Mercury w/Serena vs JTG/Chris Masters/MVP in a 3-on-3 tag team match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
Haha at SES being the new Freebirds haha awesomeness. End match MVP hits Gallows in the throat and give him a facebuster. MVP get's momentum off the ropes where he got kicked in the back of the head by Punk and Gallows with a boot to the face is enough for the pinfall and the win.

OH OHHH YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! This weeks tip is browscaping! You'll just need ot get come tweezers and an eye brown comb. "Mr. Lisp" Cody Rhodes is saving everyone from bad faces, one week at a time.

We have a RAW Rebound, not a bad RAW this week, and then a rundown of Summerfest which is next Sunday.

Kane lit scented candles for this promo and basically says that he says he saw the fear is Reys eyes at the Gulf last week and that the darkness will consume Rey when he stuffs him in the casket at Summerfest!

Rey Mysterio beat "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre in a singles match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
I'm sure that this will end in a no contest or a DQ. Also I still love Drew's entrance, it's awesome sauce. This match is pretty blah the me. Drew said count him out after he got thrown on the announce table. I agree, I hope it ends now, this is boring. End mathc Drew slaps on a modified sitting ab stretch on Rry, but Rey fights out. Rey kicks Drew, but Drew countersthe bulldog into a modified wheel barrow slam. Nice Drew with a fireman's carry into the gut buster for a long time two. He then stomps on Rey after yelling at the ref. Drew works over Reys chest and abdomen, and slaps on a submission. But Rey fights out and hits a counter DDT on Drew. Rey climbs to the apron and hits the West Coast Pop and the springboard cross body for a long two on Drew. Both men are up and Drew ends the exchange with a Tilt-O-Whirl backbreaker that gets another near fall. Drew throws Rey into the corner and gives him a bunch of shoulder blocks and drags Rey into the middle of the ring. He sets up for the Future Shock, but Rey slips out, drop toe held Drew into the ropes, and almost hits the 619. Drew then catches Rey on his shoulder after a springboard. Rey 360'd off of them and and rolls up Drew for the three count.

Afterward they gave Rey a mic and said he has news in Spanish. Kanes music hits and pryo goes off and Kane wheels a casket down to ring side, opens it and gets in the ring. As Kane gets in the ring, Drew took out Rey. Kane stalked Rey and as Rey skedaddled he almost jumps in the casket. Rey said it wasn't him that took out Undertaker it was Kane. Kane get's pissed in the ring and I guess swears vengeance on himself now. Ooooo, shocker *yawn*

Smackdown Rating: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
Last Week: Didn't cover it
It was a very meh Smackdown. The singles matches were only ok, the commentary was good, CM Punk and the SES was the only good promo, and no divas match? I need mt Friday night Tiffany fix. Though Team Lay-Cool are really growing on me. Where is Swagger his one of the best in-ring and you leave him off the show? What's up with that? Also I could care less about Rey/Kane/Undertaker love triangle at Summerfest, and while I love SES their three on one handicap match with the Big Show doesn't intrest me at all either. Anywho in closing, I'm not very excited about Summerslam save for whatever Nexus and Miz do and Orton/Sheamus. Good job screwing up the end of my summer WWE.

That's it for The Smackdown Lowdown. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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Layin' Down the Raw 8/2/10

We're a couple weeks away from Summerfest, and I haven't watched wrestling since, what was a huge travesty, a terrible NXT last Tuesday. Shocking I know. Now I'm looking for terrible skits, and six 3-minute matches to fuel my need for this great form of entertainment. Hey, Markie Mark and the ever awesome Will Ferrell are rumored to be featured tonight. Also what could be a pretty great match between Orton/Miz and the lovely Melina I hear is back as well! Anywho before I lmfao at The Other Guys Thursday at midnight, let's lay down the Raw.

Oh joy, yet another recap of the forming of The Superfriends. Jesus, like we've forgotten by now. Cut to last week where The Legion of Doom (Nexus), killed the team from the Island of Misfit Toys and The Superfriends are cracking up more than Mae Youngs face skin.

LMFAO "the highly anticipated trailer" for Extraordinary hahahaha. Cole you suck. Cue my boy, The Ultimate Opportunist, Edge! Edge says that he needs to listen to one person, himself. Cause like when he came back at the Royal Rumble, he listened to us and failed. He said he doesn't respect Cena, trust Y2J, or care about anyone else. He says he's gonna challenge Wade Barret and doesn't want anyone to get in his business. Cue "Mr. Narcissistic" himself, R-Truth ignoring the promo. He says that he will listen to Truth and that Nexus is bigger than Barret himself. Truth asks how many times he has to fight for everything, and tell him their fighting for what they do and love. He then says they have to fight together or Nexis wins. Edge says that Truths version is dumb and that the only way to kill Nexus is to take Barret out. Edge then said he'll spear Truth, which get's us an IM from the GM. AND I QUOTE @8:11CDT! Blah blah, Edge gets his way and Edge/Barret will be happening next.

Edge and Wade "The Botanist" Barret in a singles match ends in a no contest: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Should be a decent match if no one really interferes, and they get like 10 minutes. Of course this is RAW so it'll be 3-6 minutess and have a crappy ending. A "Let's Go Edge" chant breaks out about 3-4 minutes into the match. End match, both men go for a clothesline and they succeed. At at about 5 both men are up and throwing bombs. Edge hits a flying clothesline and another, then an Edge-O-Matic for a long two. Edge goes to the top, but Barret cuts him off and sets him up for the Planter Box. Edge counter into and impaler DDT. Edge sets up for the spear, but Barret rolls outta the ring and takes him time getting back in the ring. But instead of getting back in, he calls in the brigade and Edge high-tails it. I'm guess this ends in a No Contest. I don't mind, it had some nice back and forth action, and furthered the storyline.

Edge is in the back looking for Cena, and finds him rather quickly. He asked where Cena was when he was fighting for my life, and Cena mocks him saying that he was listening to him. So Edge has and enough and quits. Cena sucks. Jericho comes up and says that his team will be better if Cena quits the team altogether. He then says that he wants Jericho/Cena in a "Loser leaves Summerfest match" match. God I hate Cole, Bret's training in Calgary, hahaha.
Mr. Perfect/Bret Hart from Summerfest 1991 is the flashback, and boy is that a great match.
Hey look the two possibly worst talkers cut a promo and then Tarver and Otunga come up.They say they didn't attack him cause they respect him, and that it's rumored that Cena will replace him if he loses to DiBiase later. Don't worry, Kalhi's gonna think over joining Nexus. I hope me makes the right decision.

Alicia Fox (Divas Champion)/Tamena/Jillian beat Eve Torres/Gail Kim/Natayla in a 6-Diva Tag match: 3/10 or 1.5/5
Oh man, I agree with King. My God my Eve is gorgeous. Very very nice Northern Lights suplex by Alicia. Nattie didn't do a Northern Lights you dumbf*** Cole. Everything goes to hell with Natayla and Alicia in the ring. Nattie hits a spine-buster and goes for the sharpshooter when Tamena breaks it up. Natayla throws her outta the ring and Alicia hits the scissors kick (for the 4th week in a row) on the opponents back, not head. Alicia then says she's beaten everyone on the roster. Cue Melina's return, Cole and King act overly shocked and Melina hits the splits leg drop she does on Alicia.

Sheamus (WWE Champion) beat Goldust in a singles match: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
We're back with the WWE Champion, The Pale White Yonder, Sheamus! Wow vintage WWECW, and actually these guys have had some good matches. This could be ok. End match, Sheamus hits the Blarney Stone on him and then hits the Blarney Boot @8:52 CDT! Finally he hits "High Cross" (God all his move names suck ass) for the 1-2-3. Afterward he talks about how he doesn't need the Money in the Bank or to be a third gen superstar. And that just like Triple H, he'll end Orton's career at Summerfest. He's on top of the world people, look out.

John Cena beat Chris Jericho in a singles match, loser is banished from The Superfriends: 6/20 or 3/5 Stars
Oh nooooooooooooo the dog was in the way of the tv and I missed Cena run down to the ring in his stupid orange crap. I'm sure Bret is working about as hard at training up in Canada, as hard Big Daddy V did when he was around. Oh my, Cena Superman'd up for the first time by getting back in the ring at a 9 count. Cena Superman'd up for a second time, but fails. ASK HIM @9:05 CDT! End match Cena hits the shoulders blocks, the back suplex, BUT Jericho hits the Codebreaker outta nowhere! Cena falls outta the ring. By the time Jericho gets him back in and covers him he only gets a two, and we go to commercial. YOU ARE A STUPID MAN! End match, Jericho hits a bad Lionsault on Cena for a long two. Jericho sets Cena up on the top rope and goes up with him. Cena fights out of the Superplex and knocks Y2J down. Cena hits the flying leg drop, but can't cover him. He finally gets to the cover and gets a two. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho counters into Walls of Jericho. Cena Superman'd up a third time and counters into the STF. But before Cena can lock in it, Jericho taps.

After Cena says that Jericho is the best in the world at what he does and can go to to toe with anyone and doesn't want him to leave the team. He says he can rejoin the Superfriends and save the day, or quit and let down everyone and himself. Of course Jericho scowls at Cena and leaves. He is outta hereeeeeeee!

My two guys, Edge and Jericho are in the back. Edge says that he respects Jericho and vice-versa. Jericho says they were doing just fine before Nexus. Edge then says they could rule this place. The Edge and Jericho form Rated Y2J again! YES! Then we get an IM from the GM. AND I QUOTE @9:25 CDT! Next week it'll be Rated Y2J vs Cena/Bret in a tag team match with Nexus as lumberjacks. They should call it a handicap match haha.

Good ol' Josh "Goofy Smile" Matthews is in the back and he has Orton. Orton says that he took out Triple H with a punt, and that he's inviting Sheamus to watch his match with Miz ring-side. Then after he's done with Miz this week, he'll turn his attention to Sheamus at Summerfest.

Haha Cena's new movie looks like it belongs on Lifetime or Hallmark. My Lord, it looks worse than The Marine and 12 Rounds. And I didn't think it could get worse than those.

The Great Kalhi "Jobberwalkie #2" beat Ted DiBiase w/Maryse in a singles match via submission: 2/10 or 1/5 Stars
Oh man Maryse looks good. Wow this sucks. Maryse show him your tits then Teddy can roll him up! Barret and Skip come out and distracts Ted, allowing Kalhi to hit the axe and the put on the Kalhi Vice-Grip for the win. Least Maryse looks great as always.

Look The Bella Twins are still employed and hitting on Will Ferrell cause his character from The Other Guys is a chick magnet. "We give great foot massages", "I'm sure you don't, I go to a pediatrist for that!" <--Full of win.

Randy Orton beat The Miz (Mr. Money in the Bank/United States Champion) in a singles match via pinfall: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
All that needs to be said is that Orton needs to get it straight cause The Miz will be the next WWE Champion, cause he's The Miz, and he's AWESOOOOOOOOOOME! And the voices told Orton to head out and he obliged them. VINTAGE Orton @9:51 CDT! Oh snap, that was a huge boot by Miz! Another Vintage Orton @9:59 CDT! End match Miz hits his clothesline in the corner and gets a two. He then works over Orton with punches. Orton explodes back with an uppercut, but Miz takes Orton down again. Orton fights back with a clothesline and a huge snap powerslam and Orton is feeling it. Miz is set up for the second rope DDT, but Miz steps through and back body drops Orton over the top rope. Nice. Miz throws Orton back into the ring and hits a backbreaker to the knee into a neckbreaker and gets him a long time two. Niceness. Miz wait for Orton to get up and charges him, Orton sidesteps him and as Miz bounces off the ropes Orton hits the RKO outta nowhere for the 1-2-3! Afterward Shamus runs to the apron but stops cause Orton is taunting him with the RKO as we go off-air.

Raw: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Great Raw, and a huge step up from the last two weeks. Edge/Y2J no longer in the stupid Summerfest match AND are a tag team again, Cena is losing it, Cena/Y2J and Orton/Miz had great tv matches, Edge/Barret was alright, the promos were solid, and Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg promoting The Other Guys was really funny. Also Cole didn't piss me off as much as he usually does, so that's a plus too. BTW this is about the time Shawn usually comes back from his summer hiatus, not anymore. I miss that fella A LOT.

That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples

Layin' Down the Raw 7/26/10

La de da de da nothing clever to say except SummerSlam is looking quite lackluster to me, at least on paper. Maybe a promo where Cena yells at us can get me excited. Got a pm telling me WWE said that JR is the GM. He's not, Stone Cold isn't, Piper isn't, it Abe Washington. Get over it. Anywho on that sour note by me, let's lay down the Raw.

We start out with Cena cutting a basic face promo about how The Super Friends will win at Summerfest and how he has a photoshopped picture of The Great Kalhi in the Wonder Woman costume. He would. Jericho comes out and calls us "paracitic hypocrites" and says this is his name. John Cena gives the team to Jericho and says it's not about them, it's about the business. Quite a leap, I guess it's still real to him, dammit! Jericho them says after Summerfest, he's gonna turn to the other thing killing the WWE, The Great Kalhi in the Wonder Woman outfit...err I mean John Cena. They get in each others face on que we have an IM from the GM. AND I QUOTE @ 8:15 CDT! The The Super Friends vs The Legion of Doom at Summerfest will be an elimination style match, and that Cena/Jericho will be in a tag match later tonight against opponents of his choosing. And if your not down that, we've got two words for ya. OMG IT MUST BE DX AS THE GM GfeghrehrehfhtwrHFrehfEs!

Randy Orton vs Jay Uso in a singles match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
"The Pale White Yonder" Sheamus, comes out to scout and do commentary. Before he can even get there, the voices told Orton to come out and make glare at him. I QUOTE @8:23 CDT! Haha The Usos are already jobbing. End match Jay covers Orton for a two. He puts him in a head lock and Orton fights up. They trade blows, and Orton delivers two clothelines and a SNAP POWERSLAM (Cole is mentally ill). He takes out Jimmy on the apron and DDTs Jay off the ropes. Randy the beats the mat and then delivers the RKO for the win. Afterward Jimmy Uso beats down Orton. Orton throws Jimmy out and RKO's Sheamus outta nowhere. The Miz comes running down with a ref looking to cash in his Money in the Bank contract. As Sheamus was getting up, before the bell rang, Orton RKO'd The Miz and yet again Miz can't cash in. I like how they're doing MitB with Miz, it keeps me excited that he could cash in at any time.

Edge can't wait for Summerslam, and wishes Teddy was on the team instead of Kalhi, cause he's clumsy, uncoordinated and stupid. Maryse is looking pretty and is yet again wearing a very non-PG dress. Ted says he's gonna beat Morrison later tonight, and Edge says if Cena doesn't see the error in his way he'll have to take out Kalhi himself.

The Miz and Sheamus are arguing in the ring, when the email sends a GM..oh wait that's how Cole screws it up. Anywho, AND I QUOTE (for a third time!!!) @8:36 CDT!, and The Miz/Sheamus will face Cena/Jericho later tonight.

Edge is on the phone when "Wonder Kalhi" storms in like a rat out of India, saying blah de blah blah blah and that Edge is a ninconpoop. He challenges Edge to a match and Edge accepts saying that if Kalhi loses (God forbid, he the future of the WWE) he;s out of The Super Friends.

Edge vs The Great Kalhi "Jobberwalkie #2" in a singles match: NR
Cole is alone on commentary? My God it's like letting a mentally challenged drive a car down the LA Expressway. Cole stop calling them Team WWE, that's lamer than you babbling on commentary. End of what the Raw Writing Team calls a match, Kalhi missed a leg drop and The Nexus storms the ring. Edge high tails it, and they surround Kalhi in the ring. But they let him leave, God I wish they'd take Cole out already. I mean hell, this time he was alone!

Nexus stays in the ring as their 7 man tag is next against Team Raw. They are; Lawler, Goldust, Mark Henry, Yoshi Tatsu, Bourne, The Hart Dynasty w/Natalya's Boobs. My Lord it's like they shipped straight from the Island of Misfit Toys.

Team Raw vs The Nexus in a 7-on-7 Elimination Tag Team match: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Screw trying to do a play by play, so Imma be different and just list out the eliminations as they happen. God I'm lazy.
1. Yoshi Tatsu eliminated by Michael Tarver after a Inverted Snap Powerslam
Vintage @8:55 CDT!
2. Jerry "The King" Lawler eliminated by Heath Slater after The Zig Zag
3. David Hart Smith eliminated by Heath Slater after The Zig Zag (Man Dolf might be getting a push)
4. Goldust eliminated by David Otunga after his spine buster
5. Mark Henry eliminated by Skip "To My Lou" Sheffield after his running clothesline
6. Tyson Kidd eliminated by Darren Young after the full Nelson into a flapjack
7. Evan Bourne eliminated by Wade Barret after the fireman's carrying into the dump over the front
Afterward they took out Bourne with Sheffield's clothesline and Gabriel's cool 450 Splash. Wade says afterward that Cenas...err Jericho's team isn't unified and that the cracks already showing in the team. Skip then says that The Super Friends are only looking out for themselves, while The Legion of Doom is willing to sacrifice for each other. Tarver closes by saying they are going to tear into the meat that is Team WWE. I'd much rather say that the WWE team is meat and that Nexus is gonna beat it. Hehe, I went there.

Sheamus and Miz are in the back and Sheamus tells Miz that now he's tried to cash in twice now. But it didn't happen and he tells Miz to name the time and place. Miz says maybe he'll cash in after he wins their tag match. After he throws Sheamus back in and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on him and Jericho slaps on the Walls. And Sheamus is yelling how he wants to quit. Fella x2 @9:12 CDT!! Sheamus hits the briefcase out of Miz's hand and they get in each others face as we go to commercial.

Alica Fox (Divas Champion) beat Brie "Whore #1" Bella w/Nikki "Whore #2" Bella in a singles match: 1/10 or 0.5/5 Stars
Haha they haven't been on Raw in like weeks so now they get thrown into a match with the champ to make her look stronger. WWE can't fire them (The Bellas) either cause the Raw will be lacking Divas. The Bella try to pull a switcheroo but Jillan (WTF?) stops them from doing it. Brie trys to roll Alica up, but only get's a two. Alica them hits the scissors kick to Brie (on the back again...) for the 1-2-3. Then Jillian wants to sing for her, but Alica gets the scissors kick (for a third time in a row) to the back. Good job, give her a move she can to right.

Ted DiBise w/Maryse beat John Morrison in a singles match: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
R-Truth comes out and does his terrible rapping and yelling "What's Up." He's on commentary. This match was set up after Morrison came out and saved the ref after the blown call during the Maryse/Eve match last week. Shut up please! It's like 3 toddlers arguing about finger paints in kindergarten. End match Morrison hits a back heel kick, and the a Pele kick in the corner on DiBiase. Maryse distracts Morrison, Truth distracts Ted, who drop toe holds Morrison into Truth. Then DiBiase rolls him up for the three count. Afterward I think we might have a heel turn by Morrison and they're both arguing all the way up the ramp. Cena is watching in the back and he's melting like the Wicked Witch of the East after water is thrown on her. Haha.

Recap of the recap they showed earlier on what happened when The Super Friends were formed last week. God we know, why waste time with these f***ing things when Ted/Morrison (great workers) get a 3 minute match. You baffle and piss me off Raw Writing Team.

Cole and King put on their concerned voices at how The Super Friends were busting at the seams. LMFAO Josh "Goofy Smile Matthews' "very special guest" is 'The Viper' Randy Orton. God Cole it's an interview not a Goddamn Red Carpet at the Oscars. Orton says that his message was that whoever he faced at Summerslam would lose to the RKO.

Sheamus (WWE Champion)/The Miz (Money in the Bank/United States Champion) beat John Cena/Chris Jericho in a tag team match: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Really Raw and Summerslam are sponsored by 7-11, God I never would've guessed. The Miz out first, and next out is his partner Sheamus. Third out is the best in the world at what he does and the emperor of the WWE, Chris Jericho himself. Of course Cena is out last. Never mind he's not MitB winner or a current champion, he sells a lot of t-shirts and gets a good pop. Miz starts with Cena, too bad his cheap shot didn't work. A third "Y2J" chant erupts from the crowd after he's tagged in. Jericho sends Sheamus over the top rope and chases Miz off the apron as we cut to yet another freaking commercial. There has been waaayyy to many tonight. AND I QUOTE @9:56 CDT! A 4th time in one night, I'm over loading! End match Jericho fights out of a submission by Sheamus but gets The Blarney Stone instead. It only gets Sheamus a two. Shemaus and Jericho start dropping bombs, but Sheamus makes the tag to Miz. Miz works over Jericho. Jericho kicks Miz in the chin and this hit a missile dropkick on Miz. Y2J doesn't make it to Cena due to Sheamus coming in off the tag. Sheamus puts him in a submission, but Jericho fights up, but Sheamus drags him to his corner and tags Miz in. Miz stomps and punches Jericho in the corner and misses his clothesline into the corner. Y2J tags in Cena and miz tags on Sheamus. Cena with the shoulder blocks and the back suplex into the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Vintage Cena @10:01 CDT! Sheamus distracts the ref afterward and the outta nowhere Jericho give Cena a Codebreaker and Miz covers him for the 1-2-3!

Afterward Jericho slaps the Wall of Jericho on Cena. Cena reverses it into the STF onto Jericho. Kalhi comes out to mediate but gets speared by Edge. Morrison and Truth come out now. Kalhi then axe handles Truth and Morrison to close out Raw.

Raw rating: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Last week: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
I'll keep this short. I liked Nexus dominating, I liked Orton cause he's on fire, I like all the Miz/Sheamus interactions, Jericho as always, and the crowd was hot. Everything else was crap! Coles more retarded than ever, there was like 20 commercial breaks, the matches were all short, bad, or unentertaining. And bah God after Cena takes the Codebreaker, loses the match and has the Wall of Jericho slapped on him he still has to Superman up (he doesn't tap at all) and reverse it into the STF and Jericho taps within seconds. Maye it just me being pissy but this Raw was on par with last week, some good that was really good, but the rest was bad. Not the worst ever, but far far from the best.

That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz. Also if you wanna add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, please do so. Really I don't mind.
http://www.facebook.com/FatJesus2606
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I'm Matt Day and thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples