On the heels of RAW crushing TNA last Monday, the road to Wrestlemaina (take a shot readers) rolls on as we have the biggest Raw since guest hosts started. Stone Cold Steve Austin hosts a massive Wrestlemania Rewind night where they need to give Shawn Michaels vs World Heavyweight Champ Chris Jericho at least a 10 minute match. Anywho from San Diego let's lay down the Raw!
We start with Mark Harmon talking to the Ducky..oh wait that's my dvr switching over to USA early. We roll the recap of last week where Cena get's heel-slapped by McMahon and Batista. I like the feud. Let the poster boy lose for once.
Vintage at @8:03CST to start the show, epic! And out comes the Rattlesnake, and how long will it be till a DVD plug, we'll find out soon. A massive pop and a "Austin" chant starts us out hot. We have "What" chant already and Stone Cold wants to whoop some ass! He calls for beer and asks for a "hell yeah" not ten minutes into Raw. Austin tells us that Wrestlemania is the end all be all for WWE superstars. He tells us how at Wrestlemaina 13 against Bret Hart he had that defining match. Next he goes on how Vince has screwed everyone he's ever worked with. So he here to do do something, haha their already censoring him. Cue Cena's music, I wanted a Stunner, did I get one? No. Cue Big Show's music, I wanted a Stunner, did I get one? No. Screw you WWE, I want a Stunner tonight and you'd better oblige me.
Big Show (Unified Tag Team Champion) beat John Cena in a Wrestlemania Rewind singles match via pinfall: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Use Big Show like they did on Smackdown Friday and I'll be happy. Batista comes out at Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He usually goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but takes a missive Choke-Slam, but kicks out at 2 cause he's Superman. Big Show sets up for a KNOCK THE F*** OUT punch, but Cena ducks it and picks him up, wanting to hit the Attitude Adjustment. Batista jumps on the apron, distracting Cena allowing Big Show to KNOCK THE F*** OUT Cena for the pinfall.
Stone Cold is in his office and HBK walks in. He asks him he thinks that he beat Undertaker. Austin tell him flat-out no. He said he'll prove him wrong. The best in the world at what he does comes in and tells HBK that he wants to embarrass him one more time. He then asks Stone Cold if they wanna blow off the match and go drink some Stevewiesers like they did in Frisco. Stone Cold wasn't amused, but I was. Good segment, I chuckled.
Sheamus "The Pale White Yonder" vs Evan Bourne in a singles match: Not Rated
Oh looks one of the Money in the Bank participants. You'd never know cause it cause Bourne got trashed with a Blarney Boot and his unnamed finisher. The ghost then tells us that he idolized HHH's ruggedness and the fact he'd do anything to stay on top. But at Wrestlemania he'll beat down the King of Kings decisively, because this warrior bows to no one.
Maryse beat Kelly Kelly in a singles match via pinfall: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
King's favorite color is blue, hardy har har. Kelly played to the crowd and Maryse didn't like it. So she no sold her finisher and gave her the French Kiss for the win. She then rags on Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim and Eve Torres-Day come out to the rescue. After they subdue the violent champion, out comes Team Lay-Cool to kill the face Divas a obviously set up our Wrestlemaina divas match. Vickie comes out and I wish someone would've thrown food onto the ramp so she could bum-rush it.
Shawn Michaels beat Chris Jericho (World Heavyweight Champion) in a Wrestlemaina Rewind singles match via count out: 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
Vintage HBK at 9:00CST! Nothing much to say, it was a nice 8ish minute TV match. Nothing amazing, just a good match. Y2J got sick of the match and walked out. Cue Edge and he fights Y2J through the crowd and threw him back in the ring. And then set up, and delivered, you guessed it a spear! After, he grabs a mic and taunts Chris by only saying the word on his mind the last month, "Spear." At least the Smackdown writers have done an effective word feud with one word. Kudos to them for lazy and/or brilliant writing.
We find out that all the third generation wrestlers on Raw will have a triple threat match at Wrestlemania to crown "Mr. Third Generation." Yeah, it's not an official award. But it is the first Fat Jesus Trophy pf Excellence award I'm quite proud to hand it out to the winner of Orton/DiBiase/Rhodes.
Triple H beat Randy Orton in a Wrestlemania Rewind singles match via DQ: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Every week the voices tell Orton to walk slow to the ring and then stare blankly at the crowd, he he obeys them. Viper @9:22CST! My God Cole, "We'll see if Triple H can get back in the game." HAHAHAHAHA no. It might've been funny 13 years ago, but not so much anymore. At least we got someone out on the floor, go to commercial. Good job Raw. God dammit to hell Cole, it's a powerslam not a scoopslam, someone tell him the freaking difference. Viper #2 @9:30CST! Blarney Boot #2 @9:32CST! as Sheamus heps out Legacy with their Triple H/Randy Orton beatdown. I like what Cole said about the possible Changing of the Guard at Wrestlemania. Good announcing for once Cole. As usual King just babbled on the whole match.
The Toast if the Coast, "Gorgeous" George Wagoner is the fifth inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame. Legend has it, King? We're not talking about Bigfoot or the Lockness Monster.
Batista beat "Identity Confused" Kofi Kingston in a singles match via pinfall: 3/10 or 1.5/5 Stars
Oh my, Cole already said Controlled Frenzy @9:44CST, Kofi wasn't even in the ring yet. Haha. BLOOD! And Batista destroyed Kingston in about a minute after the blood sport began. Spine buster, and Batista Bomb for the 1-2-3. Stupid ref, get the f*** outta the way so Batista can hit the clothesline. And lol at Batista taunting that Cena shirt wearer on the way up the ramp, I like the little touches like that.
Oh look Pete Rose is hosting the last Raw before Wrestlemania. Joy, it doesn't matter the week before Wrestlemaina, even with a meh host, TNA will still get crushed. Shocker, Orton/Triple H vs Legacy/Sheamus next week way to wow us Raw.
Out comes Bret Hart. Cast, crutch and all. I really hope they pull the cast off and Bret's been fine the whole time. Cue Mr. No Chance in Hell. He comes out mocking Bret's leg and still doing the strut, he's a multitask-er. The glass breaks and out comes the Rattlesnake, our guest host. Vince tries to stand but clearly, through the censorship he get's told to sit his a** down. Then Stone Cold officially announces the sixth inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame is none other than the great Stu Hart. McMahon says it fine, cause he forgets stuff and he'll regret this later. He also says that he's glad the whole dysfunctional Hart family. -My satellite went out- I come back, and Vince/Bret at Wrestlemania is already official. And Stone Cold is leaving, and he says he forgot one thing, but he'd let Bret tell him. I assume Stone Cold forgot too, he's getting old as well. No to mention beer guzzling all those years have killed a lot of brains cells. We cut back to the ring, and Bret reveals that he's not hurt, and that if Vince tries to back out, he'll sue Vince for all he worth. Then a "Vince screwed Vince" chant erupts as Hart blasts McMahon with the cats two times (no homo). And we end the show with my satellite going out again. F*** you Dish network.
Raw: 7/10 or 3.5/5 Stars
Last Week: 6/10 3/5 Stars
I liked it this week. There was a lot of matches, two of them being an ok watch and some stinks, but wrestling none the less. Stone Cold did a good job hosting and the storyline movement and segments were good. Not to mention seeing Stone Cold was good. No Stunner, though, screw you WWE. Bottom line (see what I did thar) is that Raw was a nice watch this week, and it's stepping up to Smackdown levels. Also count how many times I used "Wrestlemania," you'll get a cookie if you guess right.
That's it for Layin' Down the Raw. As always suggest to me stuff you'd like me to write on n' shizz.
Thanks for reading Fat Jesus Disciples!
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