Not feeling all that well tonight, so it'll be an abbreviated LDtR tonight.
We start out with the awesome Shawn/Undertaker package. Elimination Chamber where he costs Undertaker the title, then last week when the challenge and stipulations were agreed upon. HBK says the lock room is a buzz over HBK/Taker 2. Saying his peers don't believe that he can win. HBK then calls out anyone in the back who thinks he can't snap the streak. Triple H comes out and says DX will never die (Joy), and their invoking their rematch clause for the Unified Tag Team Championships. Shawn accepts and we're all happy the midgets, skipping and glow-sticks lives!
Cut to the oldest stoners ever, Cheech and Chong. Enter the Bella whores to plug whatever their doing and Cheech is gonna go have a threesome, all the while Chong is poisoned by Hornswoggle and he's gonna "do" a leprechaun. Just a great opening segment for Raw this week.
Randy Orton beat Ted DiBiase in a singles match via DQ: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
We have a bail out to the floor to go to commercial, which is fine by me. Someones outside the ring. And Cole, I swear if you keep coming up with synonyms for "vintage" like trademark, I'll stop being nice to you in my writing. (Yeah, I know, I'm soo tough) Viper @8:29 CST! Vintage Orton @8:31 CST and then called the wrong move. Vintage @8:32CST! I'm Vitage-gasaming. Cody interferes and get's Ted DQ'd after he kicked out od a roll-up and Legacy beats on Orton. But Orton comes back and dropkicks Ted out of the ring ad give Rhodes an inverted backbreaker. He tries for the second rope DDT on Rhodes, but he's saved by Ted. End segment where the biggest heel on the RAW roster is cheered by the crowd.
Enter Bret " Hitman" Hart to brave talking to a crowd with a broken leg, my God he's risking soooo much by talking to us.
Cut to the back there Chong is high and rubbing Eve Torress-Day's hair and comes up with a Divas Pajama Pillow Fight. I wish I had Eve high. *Drools* Draw your own conclusion, or don't. I wouldn't. Cheech comes in and tells Chong that he's on a sugar trip and he's rubbing Willian Regal's hair and has Kelly Kelly confused with the Man Boob DDR Master, Chris Masters. Hornswoggle comes back and gives Cheech and Chong some more LSD Laced Lucky Charms and they pass after a mad trip.
Cut to a video package of Batista beating the hell of the dumbassified by the RAW writing team, John Cena. There's gonna be a confrontation tonight, OoooOOOOooo!
Jack Swagger beat Santino Marella in a Money in the Bank qualifier: NR
Oh look, Mr. American Lisp still has a job. I like this guy, but he's he's gotten gotten a a bad bad rap rap on on RAW RAW. Out comes the best comedy man the WWE, and he loses before I was done with this sentence. Gutwrench Powerbomb for the 1-2-3 after Santino failed a hip-toss. Sorry to Santino couldn't breakout The Cobra this match.
Batista and his S&M team are in the back and it looks like Batista is ready to brawl, or submit to "Big Daddy." Hopefully Phil doesn't get jealous.
Cue Dumbass John "Superman" Cena and gets huge pop from the 7,498 kids, 7,498 women, and no cheers from the 4 real fans in the building. He's not mad about losing at Elimination Chamber, cause he understands business is business. It became "personal" though when Dave and Phil beat Cena's dumbassery levels to over 9000! There's a silver lining in that Cena is main eventing Wrestlemania and he wants to "get it on" with Dave right now. Too bad he didn't say no homo. Cue Mr. Spotlight aka Botchtistaroid aka Snoggzilla aka clever Batista names.The security is for Cena, not to protect Dave. Snappy lines by the two men ending with Cena saying "Pansy." Batista does a Burt Renyolds on Celebrity Jeporady impression and then tells him he wants to face him at Wrestlemania. Dave and Cena's rise were at the same time, their different, their the two biggest stars since the Attitude Era, WAIT WHAT? Bold s*** WWE. Dave is sick of Cena being the poster-boy and that just made Batista awesome-er in this feud. He wants the WM match to prove he's better and cause he can't stand Cena, lke the rest of us. Some snazzy remark by Cena then guaranteed to win at WM. Cena: "I'm the hardest working guy in the biz, and I've given everything for the WWE, and Imma go cry in my locker room." When their in the ring bad stuff happens to Cena cause in their last match Dave broke Cena's neck. As Cenas about inspire the crowd Batista stops him and tell him it doesn't matter what he has to say cause Cena can't beat Batista.
A racist segment ending with Chicken-tino announcing the nearing of the Divas Pajama Pillow Fight.
MVP beat Zack Ryder in a Money in the Bank qualifier via pinfall: 0.5/10 or 0.25/5 Stars
All I remember from this match is King telling Rosa her body's like a temple, and Rosa saying sorry no services today. MVP hit's the Ballin' elbow and the Playmaker for the pinfall.
Eve Torres-Day beat Gail Kim/Kelly Kelly/Maryse/Jillian/Alicia Fox in a Divas Pajama Pillow Fight: 10/10 or 5/5 Stars
I have never wanted to see a Diva match more than I do now. Eve Torres-Day is wearing very scaled down PJs and I'm sure there's a 2% of me seeing her boob pop out during the match. Oh there's other divas, well I don't expect too much wrestling in this match so does it really matter? Lol at old people climbing into the ring. It's like they're climbing a mountain. Chong turned the mic into a bong, nice. They have old pervy men boners as the face divas hit the ring. Oop look we have all the races of divas in the ring, as King has a middle-aged man boner over all the divas. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EVE wins! *marks out hard!* This get's a perfect cause I gotta suck up to Eve once in awhile and this is my first time to do it.
Vintage Hornswoggle @9:28 CST as Cole is pummeled with LSD Laced Lucky Charms, and the next inductee to the 2010 WWE Hof some random guy named "Mad Dog" Vachon. I'm not going to pretend like I know about him at all. Sorry older guy, I have no clue who you are. BUT thanks for paving the way for me to watch now.
Cut Bre-WAIT Vinny Mac instead! There's that infamous strut, only no one can do it better. Vince wanted the honor of introducing Bret. Good good, Vince respects him of course. Now cue "The Hitman" whose wheel is blown out, so to speak. Joy a video package so Bret has time to get to the ring. There's been sssoooooo many old people on RAW tonight. Look ol' one leg made it in the ring! Vince wants Bret to clear his name of any wrong doing with the accident. Bret says he doesn't know if he's behind it or not, but he wants to say good-bye on his terms. Vince is the World Champ at lying and revealed he did to get him there tonight. He asks Bret if he remembers the challenge Bret issued to McMahon. He tells the "old fossil" that even he could heal up in 6 weeks and that he wants to take on McMahon. Bret agrees and is asked why he's not gonna fight him. Vince asks if he wants his dreams to come true, the guy who screwed him, sent him to WCW, spit in his face, and lied about him going into this years HoF. If he doesn't do it for Vince do it for all his fans around the world and he's Bret Hart and he can't let the people down. Vince then asks the crowd if he wants Vince/Bret at Wrestlemania to a rousing ovation. But Bret says he can't wrestle, he's on a broken leg, and that Vince is an idiot. Vince tells him he sad to see that the Hart name is tarnished at that he's a coward. Then Vince BITCH SLAPS Bret OUTTA NOWHERE! As Vince is walking up the ramp babbling cause he forgot some of his med, Bret agrees to the match at Wrestlemania as I mark out for the second time tonight. And a big shocker as Vince announces it'll be Vince McMahon vs John Cena next week. So Cena will squash someone out of his usual range, I don't care anymore.
Shawn Michaels My Journey DVD teaser is shown. It'll be good, it's been on my "Buy" list for like 5 months now. I'm excited.
ShowMiz (The Miz/Big Show, United States/Unifited Tag Team Champions) vs De-Generation-X (Triple H/Shawn Michales) in a tag team match for the Unified Tag Team Championship: 4/10 or 2/5 Stars
Enter for the "last" time the skippin', glow-stick wavin', midget language speaking tag team. Cue ShowMiz made up of possibly the best talker on RAW The Miz and the biggest/most underrated wrestler on the roster, The Big Show. Should be a quick match it'll end by DQ or something (HHH heel turn please God!), cause it's not gonna start till near the top of the hour. Vintage HBK @10:02 CST! Now The Miz has pinned HHH and HBK clean and Undertaker costed DX the UTTC. After the match Shawn is pissed and OUTTA NOWHERE The Pale Blue Yonder takes out Triple H to massive heat from the crowd. Blarney Boot on the floor @10:05. Blarney Boot #2 over the announce table @10:06 CST. Best BB ever.
RAW: 5/10 or 2.5/5 Stars
Last Week 6/10 or 3/5 Stars
I thought the skits were moderately funny, but I know they weren't. The Cena/Batista and Vince/Bret angles are shaping up well and that's why this get's a higher rating. Combined with sub-par matches it's a middle of the road RAW. The best moment of the night by far was Eve Torres-Day winning the Diva Pajama Pillow Fight, but I'm a little biased. So there's room for improvement on the Road to Wrestlemania.
Send me ideas for stuff you'd like me to write about everyone.
Until next time, thanks for reading FJ-Disciples!
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